death leads me into a sudden halt halfway through my words...i'm left panting and stale mouthed rotten. i wake up but keep my eyes firmly shut, not wanting to accept that the dream always ends the same way, leaving me with the same familiar feeling of helplessness mixed with guilt that i can't remember the precise feeling of the way her hair felt between my fingertips. the way her scent floated across bits of oxygen inhaled into my lungs. i believed time has stopped in this exact moment. time has never run out on me before, there's always been that extra second to relieve me from the last, but the clock is mocking me at the moment. i need a stop gap in the road to regenerate the will to keep moving. does that read and resound pathetic? i'm 21 and she's been gone for far too long yet i still feel the need for an intermission, but looking back always seems so pointless because change is never available. change cannot happen. i dream. i wake. i shake my head.
at the moment i feel trapped inside a euphoric web of what i’d describe as my own little crazy world which for a few months appears to be one of my greatest adventures. others would call it pulling sheets over eyes and ducking in the corner, but then again it's all perspective isn't it?
when i awake everything feels like it’s been a waste of time and i actually look in the mirror for the first time, realising that i’m like everyone else who’s ever been in this situation.. that is, a fool who kept telling themselves they were in control. it makes one wonder if you are ever in control. am i controlling what i'm telling you now or am i for once letting it spill, ease and drip out of the corners of my mouth. does my throat continue it's filter because i am not willing to admit to myself?..admit...admit...deny...that i can’t really put my finger on or describe fully in text what spews in my thought processes. i think i let my fingers do the work and i'm just along for the ride, well....i suppose you are to, that is if you've made it this far. and if you have made it this far i have to ask you why is this worth reading? will you lose sleep? be restless tonight twirling my illogical garbage trying to find some meaning? do i even mean anything? i don't feel as if you really understand what is going on here.
everything feels like it fades within a period of time. memories fade, friendships become muted, relationships less intense.
death of whatever we try to grab onto withers away into a pile of dust you kick around on a daily basis. i think that is when your mind gets dangerous. i think that is when my mind gets dangerous and i thought i had successfully stopped caring about the nagging ticks in my head. afterall how long can you ignore a timebomb behind your eyes?
i wonder what the meaning of lie is. i mean life, sorry. beginning to notice more and more how people waste a whole lot of time trying to “find themselves” and in turn all end up in the same place; wondering why they bothered looking. maybe i notice it more and more in myself. i feel like i picked myself up hitchhiking. what am i looking for and where am i going? would you pick me up?
i could entertain you with stylized verbs and adjectives. be quarky,clever.odd. i lie.
i lie.
lied.
filler talk is all this is.
but what's in a lie?
i'm secretly romanticizing about the future, being an artist. having someone sit there and listen to me for hours babble on about absolutly nothing. while i sit there and laugh at them(quitely of course i wouldn't want to hur ttheir feelings) because they don't realize just how unimportant my words are but they make like it is the world., but what is the point of saying that out loud. it loses the romance and i realize that i'm just a over blown and burnt out cliche of woman in her 20's with false high hopes and just plain ridiculous stoned fantasies.
but the world is a beautiful place, you know.
