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ST. PATRICKS DAY JOKES
Social Welfare
A Irishman walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2009 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. The Irishman , just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullshittin' me!' The social worker said, ' Yeah, well . . You started it.
Texan Farmer
A Texan rancher comes to Ireland and meets a Kerry farmer. The Texan says : "Takes me a whole day to drive from one side of my ranch to the other."The Kerry farmer says: "Ah sure, I know, sir. We have tractors like that over here too."
A System
Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?' The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'
Job interview
While being interviewed for a job, the personnel manager said to the Maguire brothers:'We're going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we'll hire.' Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager collected and marked the papers. 'Well,' said he, 'you've both got nine out often, but I'm giving Mick the job.' 'Why's that?' asked Pat. 'Well,' said the manager, 'you both got the same question wrong but he had 'I don't know this' and you had 'Neither do I!'.
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MORE IRISH HUMOR
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were reading a newspaper article about which nationalities' brains were for sale for transplant purposes. An Irishman's or a Scotsman's brain could be bought for £500 but an Englishman's brain cost £10,000. That proves,' said The Englishman, 'that Englishmen are much cleverer than Irishmen or Scotsmen.' 'No it doesn't,' said The Irishman, 'it just means that an Englishman's brain has never been used.'
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Paddy says to Mick " Can you give me a hand with this jigsaw, its supposed to be a tiger."
Mick says " Put the frosties back in the box you thick git ! "
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Paddy goes to the vet carring his goldfish in a bowl, he tells the vet I think my goldfish has epilepsy, the vet looks at the goldfish and says he seems perfectly fine to me. Oh no says Paddy you haven't taken him out of the bowl yet.
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Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman all went to a hotel. 'Theres only one room left, and its on the top floor which is 90 floors up but the lift is broken so you'll have to take the stairs' said the secretary.
They took the room and went up the stairs.
When they got to the 30th floor Paddy Englishman told a really sad story!
A little while later when they got to the 60th floor Paddy Scotsman told an even sadder story!
And finally, when they reached the top floor, Paddy Irishman told the saddest stroy ever!... 'Ive left the keys on the front counter
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An Irish man, an English man, a Scots man and a Welsh man were all on an airplane together when one of the engines fails.The pilot explains the situation to the all of the passengers. He tells them if someone doesn't jump out they will all be dead. He asks who is prepared to die for the greater good, adding that they will be remembered as a hero forever.The brave Scots man says 'Ok then, i will do this for the glory of my country' and jumps out.The pilot turns around and tells the remaining passengers that the plane is still going down and someone else must do the right thing.The Welsh man tells every one that as he is the oldest out of all the passengers, he will take the plunge, so he jumps out .Again the pilot turns around and says, its helping but we need 1 more to jump for the rest of the passengers to survive. So the Irish man says 'well I hoped it wouldn't come to this, but I will do this for the greater good and for the glory of my country. So he grabs the English man and throws him out the door.
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Aman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face.Finally he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed.The next morning he awakens to see his wife standing over him, shouting: "So, you've been out drinking again!""Why do you say that?" he asks.
"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."
