A Man Is No One's blog: "This & That"

Preface: This blog may come off as long winded, especially for the average Fubar attention span. I make no appologies for that, as this is more for myself and things I want to express rather than for anyone else. However, if you do find some inspiration or nuggets of wisdom, then yay J

So 2014 so far has been an up and down year to say the least. I guess we all start a new year with high hopes and expectations, only to have then dimmed or squashed. It’s been no different, not that I really expected it to. But its how we deal with adversity that defines us, shows us what we are truly made of. So for me, 2014 has become a year of introspection and personal growth. I suppose this introspection began long before now, but until recently it had been diffuse, always at the peripheral of my attention. It took recent events to really bring it into focus.

In January my mother suffered a mini stroke brought on by a kidney infection that spread into her blood stream. Talk about scary shit. Fortunately, she made a full recovery from that. But then we learned that she had three arteries in her heart that were completely blocked, even scarier. I am happy to say that, after a heart catheter and three stents, she is doing better than ever. Still, it really made me stop and think about things even more than I already had been. We all know on a rational level that life is an impermanent condition and that at any moment it can end, but on an emotional level we tend to deny it until faced with our own mortality or that of one we love. Needless to say, the whole experience brought into sharp focus the thoughts and debates that had remained at the edge of my consciousness. I began to take a hard look at myself.

It seems to me that when we look at ourselves most of the time it is like looking at a funhouse mirror image of ourselves. We magnify the good parts of ourselves and tend to diminish the things about ourselves that we don’t like. As a result, we often do nothing to change those parts of ourselves that hurt us and others.  It’s not fun to admit I haven’t always been a good person. There times I have been a downright asshole, sometimes unintentionally and others quite deliberately. Sometimes I even felt quite justified in behaving that way, even though deep down I knew I was wrong. This isn’t the person I want to be, though, so upon taking a hard look at myself I knew it was time to change.

I also found that I have a huge capacity for love, but it has at times led me to make poor choices or act poorly. I found myself seeking out relationships that were self-destructive, unattainable, or I would subconsciously sabotage them. It took a good friend to point out that while I do have a huge capacity for love, on some level I felt undeserving of receiving it. Perhaps it was a result of having been hurt so many times in the past, I don’t know. I could debate the why of it forever, but what was important right now was how do I change?

One of the first things I did was small, and yet big things are made of small things. I deleted my entire blocked list on here. You may laugh and say so what, but each person on there represented a wrong, whether actual or perceived, that had been done to me in the past. I was holding on to anger that served no purpose. “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” ~ Buddha.  It was a simple act, but I felt a lot better by letting go of that negativity. I also began to be more conscious of my interactions with people. I no longer wanted to unintentionally hurt anyone through my own thoughtlessness of word or deed. The sudden change in attitude probably had the result of hurting a few people again, and for that I am deeply sorry, but the alternative was likely worse in the long run. I could probably spend a lifetime apologizing to everyone I have hurt or wronged.

True change for me requires more than just a change in attitude though. I needed a change in perception and action. My voyage of self-reflection had shown me that I needed…something more. So I started reading tons of stuff. Everything from books about Buddhism, Taoism, Zen, Tai Chi, meditation, philosophy, you name it. I’ve always been resistant to religion because I find it divisive and self-righteous most of the time. But amongst that is wisdom, and I began picking out those things that were useful to me.  One such thing was the Noble Eightfold Path.

Right vision, or understanding: understanding that life always involves change and suffering; realizing that following the Noble Eightfold Path is the way to overcome suffering and be really happy.

Right emotion: committing oneself to wholeheartedly following the path.

Right speech: speaking in a positive and helpful way; speaking the truth.

Right action: living an ethical life according to the precepts.

Right livelihood: doing work that doesn’t harm others and is helpful to them.

Right effort: thinking in a kindly and positive way.

Right mindfulness: being fully aware of oneself, other people, and the world around you.

Right meditation, or concentration: training the mind to be calm and positive in order to develop Wisdom.

For those of you with a Kindle…. http://www.amazon.com/Noble-Eightfold-Path-Annie-Besant-ebook/dp/B001Q3M0BW/ref=sr_1_2?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1396637422&sr=1-2&keywords=noble+eightfold+path

As I said, I also started reading about meditation and Tai Chi. Stress and insomnia have been major issues of late, more so than usual. At one point it had even sparked sleep anxiety attacks when I did sleep, and then full blown anxiety attacks while I was awake. I’ve always used exercise as an outlet for stress release, and I still do. I love weight lifting, P90X, Insanity, and other such programs. But now I was finding it wasn’t enough. I don’t like that I can’t sleep without taking an Ambien, so finding a way to slow my mind was a must.

I am still new to meditation, and am still searching for one that works best for me. Secrets of Meditation by Davidji is an excellent book that explores many different meditation styles and I recommend it to anyone interested in learning about meditation. Another good read is Tai Chi: The Perfect Exercise by Arthur Rosenfeld. I don’t think a lot of people realize Tai Chi is a martial art. I plan to start trying it soon, just not the “old people in the park” version lol.

I’m not sure why I felt the need to write all this. Mainly, I suppose, it is a way to help clear my mind. I can hope to inspire people, I suppose. I freely admit that I am stubborn, willful, sometimes self-centered (who isn’t sometimes). But if I can change and try to grow, then maybe it’s not too late for any of us.