It's a new year, and so you'd think, a new begining. I'd thought so too. I'd thought, FINALLY! I was wrong of course. I think we usually are about those kinds of things.
For so long I haven't felt...anything really. I've been numb for 6 yrs. Only my children have been able to spark any kind of feeling in me. Then, out of the blue, something came along and unleashed the whole specutrum. Surprise, interest, joy, love, I felt like i was high (or losing my mind). And then hurt, confusion, and anger. I let it all out. I've worked so hard, for so long, not to feel. Not to let anything, or anyone, in. It crept up on me. I didn't want it to happen, certainly didn't expect it to. I couldn't control it. I dont' know what brought it on, at the time i didn't think anything could stop it. Like a damn had burst. It had been so long since i'd allowed myself to be anything other than indifferent. I had forgotten how good it felt, then i remebered how bad.
The sad part is, this time, it was automatic. I didn't have to THINK about it. Like a door blown by a strong wind slams shut. It happened so quickly, it actually took a couple of days to figure out what was wrong. What was suddenly different, yet so familiar. I didn't have to work to supress like before. I KNOW that there are things going on around me that I should care about, that should bother me or make me smile. Nothing does. I guess it's a defense mechanism, perhaps I should be grateful.
I think I should be happy, but I can't think of any reason why. Maybe I should be angry or annoyed or something... I just don't care enough, CAN'T make myself care anymore. I've gotten so good at plastering smiles on my face when necessary, frowning when I need to. I can laugh on cue and even though I think it sounds fake as hell (because it is) everyone else seems to believe.
Maybe it's better this way. From what i've seen, and recently felt, maybe i'm lucky. Maybe one day i'll start to feel again, and it won't be a bad thing. I guess only time will tell. But for now...
