IDK
Maybe it's still that I'm not ready for a relationship, regardless of holding onto my past memories.. or current living situation. The excuses I make. Maybe I'm fucked in the head. I should just admit it. When I've had the chance with great guys who worshipped me..I didn't see it. Mostly I just didn't want it.
Beause I then get myself in crazier sitatuations.
I happened to see my crush earlier tonight. Wasn't planned. I was just out. & It's all fucked up. He's like you never answer the phone or to want see me. I get tired of it and think it's me. Bitchin.
But then he kisses me.
& I forget all my excuses.
Mainly his GF, whom...I really like. She's like this great girl and I'd never wish her harm.
He distanced himself from her, moved out, alot of things happening. I was stupid, & scared and made myself less available then..& It's not like I can talk to anyone. Seems everyone knows him as it went along, so that made it harder.
He did work at the store by my house. So seeing him was contstant. Now he's quit and easier not to think of him. But I do.
It went frm just diggin him..I mean..his clothes, his jewelry, gods I loved it, his hair..it looked like a lion's mane..Beautiful dreads or braids with all of the front bleached..golden yellow against that beautiful skin. I loved the music & jokes he made..
*sigh*
Admiration. To a super crush. Flirtin. To ok. I give. I Gotta Fuck Him..I need to possess that vibe of his, at least for a night. I don't give a damn I want it. Just 1 night. Ha. Wasn't that easy. But I refuse to let it happens again.
And it's not like it would be that easy. For too many reasons to count.
So I'm purging the raw hunger he awakens. I'm not sure why. Maybe I can harnass the energy later..but my need is to bind with the flesh.
Denying myself no longer seems romantic only pretend piousness.
When did I forget how to Love?
