Captain Sarageneva the Pirate Princess's blog: "I swear it sucks"

Friday, July 06, 2007 Who needs men if they are all liers Current mood: irate Category: Romance and Relationships Let's a Big Breath Out...Where do I start. My chest tightens just at the thought of writting this. First of all I know people are getting mad at me because I am not commenting or paying enough attention to them, I wish I had all the time in the world to do so. I can say I'm just about as sick as I was in January when I went in the hospital. How is a single parent suspose to get help when they have no one to watch their child. I didn't mean to start this blog so harshly but its true. Everything is falling apart and I can't keep it together....people are just making it worse. Friends want me to go places with them, I really need to be at home resting and cleaning house. I get online and I get bombarded with IM's Sarah..sarah...are you there hello Hello...If I wanted to talk to you I would say HELLO. I really didn't mean this to be so harsh. I love all my friends, but people need to realize. I am having a breakdown right now. I have found out that 98% of men are the most unbelievable Liers. I have comptemplated telling people I was gay or I had lied and I am really married. I like the internet...I like the internet friend scene and I have no plans to meet unless some Great person comes along and then they are my everything. I had that person and lost him and I'll never get him back...and it breaks my heart. All I've wanted to do was heal the hurt, and what are people doing but playing MIND GAMES....DRAMA...LIES. I am 31 years old with a daughter and I DON'T have time for that. It amazes me the rackets these people run. Sometimes I pretend not to notice or catch on...but it's unbelieveable. There is no integrity anymore. I'm so dissappointed. I had Faith that things would work great....and no I am trying to find a way to live without a man for the rest of my life because I don't ever want that shit pulled on me again. I'm just so sick of all this i just cant worry about whats best for anyone but hannah and me. I'm tired I'm sick...I'm emotionally...Physically ....Spiritually DRAINED. I have no more to give. NOTHING NADA...ZIP ...ZILCH...I just wish I could crawl in bed for a LONG Time...sleep...be alone. I wish I could get my head on straight. I wish i could fix things at work. I wish i could get my bills caught up I need a roomate so bad. I use to be such a good person... but as much as I have been lied to i guess they burned the good out. I use to still be sweet after all the bad stuff happened to me...I had a good attitude. I use to believe in Chivalry...I use to believe in Happy Endings ..I use to believe my prince would come save me...but None of these things will ever happen.

This is my City Pictures Of The Park I take My daughter to play in. The Metal Arch that Says Herrell Park Was Made By Grandfather Many years ago for the CampFire Camp.

Check it out.

This blog is not about any one man but all men. There isn't a man on this earth that wont let you down. Who won't break your heart and not even realize they are doing it. The words were all in my heard in the car and i'm here now and they evade me. This blog is about dying and about escape. Shoot me with an aarow cut me with a knife. Your all trying to kill me with one little slice. My heart was precious my intentions were true. I would walked a million miles for you just to show you I would. I loved you beyond your anger, I loved you beyond your faults. Your friends all loved me, some of your family did too. I am just the rebound girl of your dreams, just somone to kill some time with. I am everything she is not, but still not good enough because I'm me. It best be time for me to stop fooling myself, and decided where I needin to be drawing the line. Do I live alone with the world passing by me or do I pass the world by and go on to the next. I have to be nice to those around me, I must love and be loved. I have nothing to offer anyone that someone else can not give them. They never fight for me, they only walk away and hide. What did I do to anger karma? Will you be bitten with Karam's ugly sting. Will you upon your death bed realize what you have done. I release you from all this evil you have shared with me. How do I release myself. Oh foolish little girl you loved and you gave and they took your hopes for everything good away. Now you are nothing ...you don't even want to sail the seas.Time to throw your hands up on the air.maybe if the lack of nutriens doesn't get you the weather will.

It's been too long since I blogged. I enjoy bloggin on myspace because the people I generally want to read it are on myspace. But Since my boyfriend and all his friends are on my Myspace I really don't want them reading all this. I mean if they do its not the end of the world its just I would rather them not. I need to blog to get all this toxic waste thats in my brain out. Right now I'm in pain and and this blog is for me so it's going to be kinda dark. My life has not been very happy. I've had alot of pain such as everyone else. 3 months ago today I checked myself into a rehab. I wasn't on hard drugs and I was hardly on RX's. I did it because I saw my life becoming unmanageable and I wanted to salvage my life before it was too late. I have a Beautiful daughter who will be four in two weeks. She is my priorty. While in rehab they talked me out of drinking anymore, not that I was much of a drinker. The crazy thing is I struggle with missing things to numb myself. Getting off the pills even though I was only taking 3 or 4 a day was extremely hard. I had a worse time than the people who were on street drugs. So I start getting my life together and a friend talks me into using CherryTap because I had already had it for months but didn't care for it. Well I got hooked on CT. After about a month of being on it I meet Paul. We fall head over heels in love. He was the Kindest Funniest, and the biggest Gentleman I had ever known. I decided to get off the short term disability I was on and go back to work. Going back to work after six months of hard depression and playing on the internet for countless hours was EXTREMELY HARD. I just didn't want to be the girl who sat at home depressed. Well paul said he couldn't be my everything and to learn how to have fun without him. He pushed me and pushed me to go out and do stuff. For those of you who don't know he lives two hours from me. Well I got my tax refund nad I started blowing mass amounts to go see him. Everything was wonderful except that I missed him SOOOOOOOO BAD. He treated me better than any guy on this earth ever has. He took me places and bought me little gifts not that stuff is important but since no one ever had it meant so much. OH and the greatest gift was all his friends on myspace started messaging me saying MAN PAUL ADORES YOU!!! Your all he talks about!!! Then he took me to meet all of them. It was so awesome. Then he would walk over and give me a hug in front of them. I felt so loved. Everything he did he did it right. Then one day everything changed. He got very dark and distant. I thought it was me. I was so hurt. His friends sat me down and explained that its just the way he is. He told me that he didn't feel any different. Its been like that for a month now. I tried to break up with him because i thought maybe he just didn't want to hurt me. He refused to break up. So I ran out of money, and I ran out of time off work. I changed my shedule to his days off. So what happens his days off change. He has no car so he can't come to me. A bus ride is 8 hours for a 2 hour trip!!! I have a Renn Faire coming up in two weeks and instead of trying to find a way to meet me there he just act like he doesn't care. We were suspose to go see pirates 3 and it didn't work out. He got made when I asked him to please wait and see it with me. He acts like he doesn't care about going to see it with me...and this was like planned before we even met. He said that even if we met in person and he didn't like me that he PROMISED he would go see it with me. Everyone who knows him says its just how he is. he is very loyal...he is not a cheater. He believes in working through the rough times. He was suspose to move here in August, but i'm sure he has changed his mind. I know I have not known him very long but there are things i'm leaving out about the situation. He loves his Video Games and Toys more than ANYTHING!!! He doesnt care for marriage. He says he is miserable, and unhappy with himself. He says sarah I know you want in life but I don't know. Look peeps I know what I want in life. I really want a long term relationship. I want to be accepted unconditionally as long as i'm a good person. I want the person to accept my daughter and love her as their own. I want to get married in a resonable amount of time. I want to have more children. He knew all this when he hooked up with me. I just want to be a good Mom and one day a good wife. I know that life is tough and I'll probably have to work the rest of my life but I have an ok job with decent benefits ...its enough to support hannah. I'm not taking on any stragglers so don't get any wild ideas. I'm learning how to have a good time. I'm learning to say F' the people who think i'm strange and move on. I just don't know why guys from my town think its so terrible to be seen with a big girl. I dont' get why i can't find a decent guy to settle down with. OH well. I enjoy being sexy, even though I realize i'm not sexy to everyone. There is more to me than a pair of big breasts. I'm very compassionate...very loyal. I still love my paul very much, but he has to figure out what he wants.

It doesn't matter how many people I talk to my heart still hurts. I miss adam like I can't even put into words. I hurt so bad. I got so use to having his sweet voice being there for me. Tonight is the first night I have to go to sleep without having him on the phone. Part of me just wants to run and hide and forget how much I love him, but he asked me not to forget him not to push him out of my heart. I worry about him, his first night away from his family. I wonder where he is sleeping. I don't know if I'm going to be able to stand this pain. This hurts like losing a family member to death. I need him in Texas so bad. I don't want things to go bad for him, but I do hope that he decides that he doesn't want to live with out me. I don't expect anyone to understand unless they have recently been in love and were seperated from them. Long distance realationships are some of the most beautiful but painful experiences of my life. I hate to admit what I really feel like. I am thankful for my friends who are keeping me alive. Those who help put a smile on my face. You don't talk to someone 18 hours a day and then not miss them when they don't have a phone or computer anymore. Why did I have to fall in love its so painful. The only slight comfort I have is the possiblity of one day being with him, and him never letting me go again. He teased me and said when he comes to Texas he will show up on my doorstep. Well tonight about 11:30 there was a knock on the door, and I got up and I thought Oh my could it be him surprizing me?! But it wasn't it was the cat locked up trying to get out. I cried it hurt so bad. The only thing that would of made me feel better was to have him on the steps smiling at me. I swear I'm not going to make it. I really feel like I would rather die then endure the pain of a life without him. I'm a strong person I've endured things most have not at my age, I just feel so weak now.

I sit here and I wondered how long it would be before the depression would truley hit. It's my first birthday to not either one of my parents. Daddy died last year on March 6th. I had to borrow 17 bucks today from a friend and 10 of that went to getting a RX for imflammation in my joints. I have 7 dollars to try and celebrate my stupid ass birthday. I am going to try and do something with hannah because this is the first year she is old enough to care. She is all I have. I am so alone in the world. My sister is so busy. Even my dear friend from work forgot it was my birthday until i told her today. It's been over a week since I've had my mood stabilizer I just couldn't afford to buy it. I've never had a birthday that I didnt' set aside money to do something with. My stupid fucking myspace friends forgot it was my birthday. I have no boyfriend. I have nothing but hannah. I wanted to take her to chuck e cheese and do fun stuff with her and buy a cake but I can't. I don't even have fucking icing to make her a cake. My little girl deserves more in life. I was so spoiled as a child...I was a good kid but i had everything I needed and most of what I wanted. She doesn't even have a dad that cares about her. Stupid fucking ass jerk signed his rights away then turned around got his nasty ass ho of a girl friend pregnant. God how am I going to stay calm. I hit my 30 day sobriety date this week, and whoopideedoo I don't even care anymore. Its going to take alot not to be destructive in the next day. and One of my myspace friends i was so close to who i even called on the phone deleted me for some stupid ass reason. What did i do to her.