It's been too long since I blogged. I enjoy bloggin on myspace because the people I generally want to read it are on myspace. But Since my boyfriend and all his friends are on my Myspace I really don't want them reading all this. I mean if they do its not the end of the world its just I would rather them not. I need to blog to get all this toxic waste thats in my brain out. Right now I'm in pain and and this blog is for me so it's going to be kinda dark. My life has not been very happy. I've had alot of pain such as everyone else. 3 months ago today I checked myself into a rehab. I wasn't on hard drugs and I was hardly on RX's. I did it because I saw my life becoming unmanageable and I wanted to salvage my life before it was too late. I have a Beautiful daughter who will be four in two weeks. She is my priorty. While in rehab they talked me out of drinking anymore, not that I was much of a drinker. The crazy thing is I struggle with missing things to numb myself. Getting off the pills even though I was only taking 3 or 4 a day was extremely hard. I had a worse time than the people who were on street drugs. So I start getting my life together and a friend talks me into using CherryTap because I had already had it for months but didn't care for it. Well I got hooked on CT. After about a month of being on it I meet Paul. We fall head over heels in love. He was the Kindest Funniest, and the biggest Gentleman I had ever known. I decided to get off the short term disability I was on and go back to work. Going back to work after six months of hard depression and playing on the internet for countless hours was EXTREMELY HARD. I just didn't want to be the girl who sat at home depressed. Well paul said he couldn't be my everything and to learn how to have fun without him. He pushed me and pushed me to go out and do stuff. For those of you who don't know he lives two hours from me. Well I got my tax refund nad I started blowing mass amounts to go see him. Everything was wonderful except that I missed him SOOOOOOOO BAD. He treated me better than any guy on this earth ever has. He took me places and bought me little gifts not that stuff is important but since no one ever had it meant so much. OH and the greatest gift was all his friends on myspace started messaging me saying MAN PAUL ADORES YOU!!! Your all he talks about!!! Then he took me to meet all of them. It was so awesome. Then he would walk over and give me a hug in front of them. I felt so loved. Everything he did he did it right. Then one day everything changed. He got very dark and distant. I thought it was me. I was so hurt. His friends sat me down and explained that its just the way he is. He told me that he didn't feel any different. Its been like that for a month now. I tried to break up with him because i thought maybe he just didn't want to hurt me. He refused to break up. So I ran out of money, and I ran out of time off work. I changed my shedule to his days off. So what happens his days off change. He has no car so he can't come to me. A bus ride is 8 hours for a 2 hour trip!!! I have a Renn Faire coming up in two weeks and instead of trying to find a way to meet me there he just act like he doesn't care. We were suspose to go see pirates 3 and it didn't work out. He got made when I asked him to please wait and see it with me. He acts like he doesn't care about going to see it with me...and this was like planned before we even met. He said that even if we met in person and he didn't like me that he PROMISED he would go see it with me. Everyone who knows him says its just how he is. he is very loyal...he is not a cheater. He believes in working through the rough times. He was suspose to move here in August, but i'm sure he has changed his mind. I know I have not known him very long but there are things i'm leaving out about the situation. He loves his Video Games and Toys more than ANYTHING!!! He doesnt care for marriage. He says he is miserable, and unhappy with himself. He says sarah I know you want in life but I don't know. Look peeps I know what I want in life. I really want a long term relationship. I want to be accepted unconditionally as long as i'm a good person. I want the person to accept my daughter and love her as their own. I want to get married in a resonable amount of time. I want to have more children. He knew all this when he hooked up with me. I just want to be a good Mom and one day a good wife. I know that life is tough and I'll probably have to work the rest of my life but I have an ok job with decent benefits ...its enough to support hannah. I'm not taking on any stragglers so don't get any wild ideas. I'm learning how to have a good time. I'm learning to say F' the people who think i'm strange and move on. I just don't know why guys from my town think its so terrible to be seen with a big girl. I dont' get why i can't find a decent guy to settle down with. OH well. I enjoy being sexy, even though I realize i'm not sexy to everyone. There is more to me than a pair of big breasts. I'm very compassionate...very loyal. I still love my paul very much, but he has to figure out what he wants.
