A friend once asked me if she thought our friendship was for the rest of our lives, for a season, or for a reason. This question has been running trough my head lately. As I have come to a point in my life where it is just so hard to keep in touch and talk to anyone on a personal level. I can feel my loneliness becoming more permanent and definite and sadly it’s more comforting than depressing. Sometimes I feel like an alien among my own family and friends, total isolation looks more and more appealing each day that goes by. The human body is really out of our control on so many levels. Even when everything you have, you’re mind, your heart, your body; your soul has been beaten down and left without the want to survive. The will kicks in, the uncontrollable will the body has to collectively pull itself together and move the fuck on. Some people are stronger than others but I have come to realize that even the weakest link must make their own journey to find their own chain. Some of us are for life and some only a season but no matter what we all have reason. At least thats what I keep telling myself. So many people around me seem to live by that "I like who I am because thats who I am" theory and they have fancy little ways of saying they have issues like "I'm a work in progress". To me these points of view are adolescent and niave. I'm fuckin tired of getting knocked down after I pick someone up. I'm fuckin tired of hearing I'm sensitive in a way that is demeaning to me, when that sensitivity shields the ones I choose with genuine empathy. I'm fuckin tired of hearing that I come up with crazy scenarios. I'll be the first to admit that I can make a mountain out of a molehill but it can all be put to rest by simply acknowledging that there is infact a "mole". WOW.... All of the sudden those scenarios are only as crazy as the reality of your life. Hey I dont talk about being vague and letting people fill in the blanks I be about telling them who I am and what I want. I Dont talk about trying to be about something I'm not. Just to win a game and see how much I can get, because all I'll end up getting is caught up in my circle of insecure feelings and self loathing lies. I may have tendacy to let stronger personalities step on me. I adapt by always trying to keep moving towards a higher ground. A place where most of those stronger personalities want to be but mock it anyway and call it names like a "sexual pedistool". FUCK IT maybe I do want to be the shining star in someones universe, but I dont shine for what isn't mine.
