Smack King's blog: "13"

The past few days have been absolutely unreal to me. At times I manage to convince myself that you faked the whole thing. That you won the lotto or something and your sitting back on a beach in Mexico with a beer in one hand a Mexican stripper in another. You were a really good guy and an even better buddy and I am going to miss the fuck out of you. If I could ask you one more question I would ask you if it really is better to burn out than fade away. I still tell people that story of when we were coming home from work and I told to whip out your cock and slap it against the rear window at some blond behind us. That bitch followed us all the way to my house. I’ve worked beside you I’ve played beside you I’ve passed the fuck out beside you. We went through all that apprentice bullshit and now your just not going be there. I’ve crashed trucks!! I’ve went through block walls. HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU GONA HIT A TREE AND BLOW UP DUDE. How you going to die all hard core like out of an action movie and leave all these people who love you behind. Is it better to burn out than fade away? For you it is. But what’s best for you don’t really matter anymore now does it. You had many friends dude. I don’t so I’m a little pissed off at you right now. FUCKING POSER and I still can’t really cry about you what the fuck is that shit about. Take it easy Ed boy slow down a lil bit next time.

Sometimes to change something simple in your life, you have to change something complex about your life. Now I don't associate with people that I care for if I don't feel that their actions back their words or if the quality of respect they have for me isn't quality at all. Nothing personal, nothing vengeful I'm just simply looking out for the well being of my mind. I'm not looking for explanations or accusations I'm simply not looking. I realized that have been delaying my life. I didn't know why but I believe I was waiting for someone to share the next stage of my life with and I got caught up in a few peoples lives that I thought had potential of being that person. Now that I realized this I'm not waiting anymore. I may not find that person in fact maybe I don't want to. My plans always been the same my life's always what I expected it to be. All I got to do is live it alone or with someone else. It doesn't matter it's just time to move on both mentally and physically. I'm not waiting around to see who wants to go with me or stopping and picking up hitch hikers anymore. It's Me Myself and I and were flying down the interstate of life at 110 miles an hour. You should be so lucky if I happen to rest in your area of life but keep in mind as someone else told me before "I'm just passing through dawg" thats some of the best advice I have ever heard. Now I'm going to put some action behind those words. I hope for nothing but the best for those I leave behind, we could of went together but unfortunately there isn't an actual midnight train going any where, but if there was hmmmmmmm what a trip we would have.

A friend once asked me if she thought our friendship was for the rest of our lives, for a season, or for a reason. This question has been running trough my head lately. As I have come to a point in my life where it is just so hard to keep in touch and talk to anyone on a personal level. I can feel my loneliness becoming more permanent and definite and sadly it’s more comforting than depressing. Sometimes I feel like an alien among my own family and friends, total isolation looks more and more appealing each day that goes by. The human body is really out of our control on so many levels. Even when everything you have, you’re mind, your heart, your body; your soul has been beaten down and left without the want to survive. The will kicks in, the uncontrollable will the body has to collectively pull itself together and move the fuck on. Some people are stronger than others but I have come to realize that even the weakest link must make their own journey to find their own chain. Some of us are for life and some only a season but no matter what we all have reason. At least thats what I keep telling myself. So many people around me seem to live by that "I like who I am because thats who I am" theory and they have fancy little ways of saying they have issues like "I'm a work in progress". To me these points of view are adolescent and niave. I'm fuckin tired of getting knocked down after I pick someone up. I'm fuckin tired of hearing I'm sensitive in a way that is demeaning to me, when that sensitivity shields the ones I choose with genuine empathy. I'm fuckin tired of hearing that I come up with crazy scenarios. I'll be the first to admit that I can make a mountain out of a molehill but it can all be put to rest by simply acknowledging that there is infact a "mole". WOW.... All of the sudden those scenarios are only as crazy as the reality of your life. Hey I dont talk about being vague and letting people fill in the blanks I be about telling them who I am and what I want. I Dont talk about trying to be about something I'm not. Just to win a game and see how much I can get, because all I'll end up getting is caught up in my circle of insecure feelings and self loathing lies. I may have tendacy to let stronger personalities step on me. I adapt by always trying to keep moving towards a higher ground. A place where most of those stronger personalities want to be but mock it anyway and call it names like a "sexual pedistool". FUCK IT maybe I do want to be the shining star in someones universe, but I dont shine for what isn't mine.

When I was young and Iaid in bed at night alone listening to parents fight. I didnt realize at the time how easy it is to live with someone and love them but still be totall strangers. I felt completely alone because I was. Somedays my heart would ache so bad, I didnt realize how self destructive I would become. How untrusting, how secluded I would let my heart become. I never knew how happy my happy times were. Never thought I would be stuck, caught between my own sadness and the only two people I love enough to not give up on.Those people who are strangers to me. I never that who I am would wind up being this fucked up. I never thought I would have to live this long or love as much as I did. I never thought that the bottle that I poured myself into as a punk kid would end up being broken over my head. Never thought that I would love my freinds enough to push them away before I collaspe.I never knew how happy it would make me to see them maintain and become the men they are. I tried to be happy with a few fellow lost souls, but I think now that unhappy people feel such a close connection because they fall in love bringing eachother down. I used to be strong, strong enough to carry any and everyone, strong enough to let myself be weak, strong enough to beat the evil of this world. How ironic that the root of my strength was my own despair. There are no more girls to save or homies to back. I surround myself with people who treat and think of me the same way as I do.I Laugh at their cruelness and their cowardly sarcasim. Their just lost souls like me except they are to weak to accept their worthlessness and to stupid to use their selfishness to help themselves. I could of been alot to you if I was more to myself. With your love you could of made me the kind of man who is strong enough to support you in becoming the woman your capable of and striving to be. Should of, could of, would of then. In a year we'll say the same thing about now. Some people say they are a work in progress, but their not progressing. Free will is funny like that it could be 3 minutes or 3 years but their only going to choose to be who they are. I accept peoples words for words and actions for actions, whether they match up is not a concern of mine any more my lack of guilt stems only from my lack of weakness. I feel sorry for those who dont like who they are and have to find new ways to deal and cope with the reality of who they are. Those who choose not to take control of their life, allow themselves to excuse themselves from taking control of their actions. Then in a very typical way they critisize others for for reacting. But that only last so long and the person hurt the most is often innocent. Playing with other peoples emotions because your too sick to handle feeling your own just might end up in a more painfull situation than you can bare. When excuses run out and there are no more ways to cope your left only with the reality that you have let yourself become something that you cant even control and the only way to survive is letting someone like you tell you who you are.

Let me begin by telling you that my cocky asshole persona that I have not only on this site but in everyday life, started out as a simple shell. Yes like a turtle, this shell is my home to protect my soft tender side from the elements of not only man but WOMAN as well. Through the years like all homes they need to be repaired and adjusted and upgraded. I mean would you want to live in a shit hole. Now this shell is so thick and strong it's easy to forget its just a shell. My heart and soul (LOL like I got those) still have the final say. Why am I saying all this on my stupid space? Some might say I'm letting my guard down by doing so. In all honesty there is no guard and there is no door. I don't care who knows because no one will ever know that side of me. Even those of you that think you do, don't. My heart and soul don't need a friend. They don't need support. They don't need a so called "rock". If you know me consider it a privilege, not because I'm that awesome but because I make you feel that awesome and if I make you feel like shit then you must of pissed off the shell. WTF it's there for a reason. To all the women out there you truly are beautiful creatures. So why do you try so hard to be ugly? If you only realized the level of love that men have for you. You were a gift of love and compassion. When a man falls in love it's just in his nature to be a servant to your heart and soul. So do yourself a favor, when that guy finally comes around don't exploit or take advantage of that love. If you want to be treated like a gift don't act like a chore, or another word that happens to rhyme with chore. The passion I can have for another human being runs so deep that it has no bounds, it is that unconditional love that binds every part of me to the one that I could have but never will let in. I am the unicorn of men who has learned to be content in life, simply dressed like a donkey and getting some ass.

Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within. James A. Baldwin Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. Napoleon Bonaparte The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. Henry David Thoreau All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. Anatole France We live in a moment of history where change is so speeded up that we begin to see the present only when it is already disappearing. R. D. Laing You must be the change you wish to see in the world. Mohandas Gandhi Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. Martin Luther King, Jr. In the end we're all Jerry Springer Show guests, really, we just haven't been on the show. Marilyn Manson Forgive many things in others; nothing in yourself. Ausonius To understand is to forgive, even oneself. Alexander Chase Friendship needs no words - it is solitude delivered from the anguish of loneliness. Dag Hammarskjold Without wearing any mask we are conscious of, we have a special face for each friend. Oliver Wendell Holmes Silences make the real conversations between friends. Not the saying but the never needing to say is what counts. Margaret Lee Runbeck The language of friendship is not words but meanings. Henry David Thoreau An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind. Buddha

1. Peace of mind is hard to find untill you stop looking for it. 2.Broken homes contribute greatly to the breakdown of society. 3.The ability to adapt is a trait of survival. To conform is giving in and following a trend that is breed on fear. 4.The need for man to have a answear for all creation and an explanation for all actions is just his insecurity that quite possibly we really are alone in this world. 5.I have found that as you become older the amount of time that you have been friends with someone begins to have great value to you, more than ever before. No matter what past or present circumstances the friendship has had. 6.Karma isn't without a sense of humor. Becarefull what you ask for. 7.Racism is a waste of hate. When it comes right down to it the only color people care about is green. 8.To truely be yourself there must be a point in your young adult life when you challenge everything you have been taught by your parents and form your own belief system with no bias. You can look at your parents mistakes all you want and swear you'll never be that way but the pattern of repetition isn't broken unless you change the pattern in which you think. 9.What doesn't kill you gives you fuckin issues. Get to the point, dealing with those issues makes you stronger. 10.With love there will be hate, both make you weak. 11.Love, trust, faith, and honesty are things you need to have in yourself before you can have them in someone else. For most people it takes a lifetime to have those four things in themselves. 12.Love and Monogomy are niether ideal or very fucking successfull. Communication and Acceptance are not only ideal there pretty fuckin basic. You talk, you listen, then you accept what your hearing or you dont thats it. 13.Dennis Leary hit the nail on the head when he said happiness comes in small dosees. Peolpe expect it to be much more for them. Like it's going to enrich their whole life and every aspect of it forever. When all happiness is, is a random trip to the beach with a friend, having some ketschup on every bite of your burger, a ten minute conversation with a mother fucker who's comin at you straight, that quick expression someone gets on their face when there happy to see you, a smoke after a good meal, great sex with no trips, those moments when your all by yourself not doing a dam thing and still feel completely satissfied. Happiness does come in small doses and often are few and far between. I've learned to accept it when it comes and to let it go when it fades. Try and do good by the person I shared it with and wait for the next dose.