LadyDove's blog: "Humor and Pagan Humor"

A religious man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted the Sabbath." The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" He goes to a minister... a married man, experienced, for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge: a rabbi. The rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!" The rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work . . . my wife would have the maid do it."

Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time", that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child." In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily". Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men". Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair. Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions. If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.

1. Your quarter calls involve the "F" word 2. Your spiral dance leaves bruises 3. You serve consecrated Pabst Blue Ribbon and cold pizza as "cakes and ale". 4. Your secret name for the Lord and Lady are "Sid and Nancy". 5. You use a "black handled switchblade of Art". 6. Your altar is set on a beaten old speaker cabinet held precariously together with duct tape. 7. Your altar candles are road flares. 8. Your ritual robe has liberty spikes. 9. You circle in a dank basement decorated with collapsing heating ducts and cockroach corpses. 10. The Great Rite involves whips, chains, and safety pins. 11. Your altar is held up by (or made out of) "free" milkcrates, and covered with an old Misfits shirt. 12. You have Botticellis' "Venus" painted on the back of your motorcycle jacket. 13. Your hair color changes eight times a year. 14. You'd never buy fancy magickal tools. D.I.Y. is a way of LIFE.

sung to the tune of Y-M-C-A Young witch, there's no need to feel sad. I say young witch, 'cause the preacher's your dad. I say young witch, there's good times to be had. You can choose your own religion Young witch, do you hear what I say. I said young witch. there's a new way to pray. I say young witch, you can mould your own clay. You can be who you want to be. Chorus It's fun to pray when you're W-I-C-C-A! It's fun to pray when you're W-I-C-C-A! You can revel all night, and then sleep until noon. You can stay up and howl at the moon. It's fun to pray when you're W-I-C-C-A! It's fun to pray when you're W-I-C-C-A! You can invoke air, fire, water and stone, Be the maiden, the mother, the crone. Young witch, there's a place you can go. I say young witch, where you can read the Tarot. I say young witch, and there's no hell below. You can be a Wiccan priestess. Young witch, if you're harming no one, I say young witch, then your will may be don.e I say young witch, you can even have fun. You can dance and laugh in circle. Chorus Young witch, I was once in a lurch. I was a young witch, my parents sent me to church. I knew this witch, had to go on a search. I had to find my path to spirit. That's when, a Pagan came up to me And said "Young witch, merry meet, blessed be!" He said "Young witch, there's a path you should see," And he turned me on to Wicca Chorus

But who are these Slacker Gods? Ah, sit at my feet, young grasshopper ... You would be referring to the Dude and the Chick. Obtain your first degree in slacker wicca through the sacred sound of Slackerus Male-us: "Duuuuuuuuuuuuude, Duuuuuuuuuude." You must achieve the catatonic harmonic. If you are familiar with some conventional wicca, you may recognize the following: "In this night, in this hour, I call upon the ancient powers." Slacker wicca has achieved the sublime advancement to distill these words to their purest and most powerful form: "We're here, man. Let's party!" If you work slackermagick, or the slackerwicca equivalent of "lettin' sh!t happen, man," nix the "So mote it be" and replace with the slackerwiccan purity of phrase, "Like, whatever, Chicks and Dudes." If your leanings are towards the philosophical, try the slackerwicca mythos, recited here in the sacred words of one of our First: "Once upon a time, we were, like, all part of this great big, uh, thing, man. And it was, like, really cool and cosmic. Then this cosmic pizza like, wanted to party, so it made more of itself. But after awhile, these cosmic cops showed up, and like, busted our groove with the burning times. It was, like, major bummer." And continued in the saga of our own dudes and dudettes: "But s'cool--we laid low for awhile, and now we're, like, back. The party never stopped, man. In fact, we're partying that same party our ancestors did, 'cause you see, Bonzo's gramma showed us her family secrets on how to party, and she learned how to party from her old lady. And, like, so on and stuff...Okay, I gotta go, man. I'm starvin'..." And thus spake the words of our elders in slackerwicca. Have I been making devotions to Them inadvertently? Or is that the kind of devotion They prefer? The laid-back but dire Loafer-foam-instep, ottoman of Cthulhu? It depends. Do you have a ritual couch? And a coffee table of sacrifice? Quoth here from the Back-of-an-envelope of Shadows: "Thy ritual couch must most definitely be plaid in nature, and saggy to the max, otherwise thy offering will be, like, mondo bogus. Thy coffee table must be hideous, and obtained by raiding thy city dump, or thy suburbs on Garbage Day, or thy nearest Yarde Sale. Liquid offerings must be placed in containers on thy coffee table (preferably nowhere near the coasters set out for their purpose), and offered unto the Dude and the Chick with a careless move of a sneakered foot, accompanied by the sacred chant of 'oh, shit, man, there goes my drink. Bummer!' to which other followers should reply 'Whatever' or 's'cool, there's more in the fridge.'"

10. Scorch marks on the furniture whenever Satan manifests. 9. Not even Lysol can mask the smell of brimstone. 8. Hard to keep flaming goat's skulls lit. 7. Decreased availability of blonde virgins. 6. Blood stains from the sacrifices are impossible to get out of the carpet. 5. Wailing of the damned souls in hell keeps the neighbors awake. 4. The cats keep attacking Satan's tail, which annoys him. 3. Repeated stooping motions for administering the Kiss of Shame is difficult on the older coven members. 2. Demons smell even worse than brimstone And The #1 Reason Why Witches Don't Worship Satan ... 1. It's impossible to worship something that doesn't exist!!

The following is an urban legend, but worth re-telling ... A question was given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, or course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expand and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate that they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. That gives us two possibilities: * If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose: exothermic . * Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over: endothermic. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.” and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze. This student received the only "A" given.

Many good folk have found themselves ensnared in a growing web of computer generated artifice and glamoury. While computers are sometimes a useful tool, one must take care to have a healthy relationship with them. If you have found that they seem to be draining your time and energy away, or slowly invading your soul, then this spell is for you. If you are seeing pixels, icons, and dialog boxes in your dreams, it may already be too late, but give this spell a try anyway. 1. Seat your self comfortably in front of your computer, turn it on, and start one of your favorite programs. Light a candle somewhere in plain view. Non photo blue is the best color for the candle, though any color will do. 2. Breathe deeply in sets of five breaths until you feel light headed and jumpy. (Actually other numbers than five will work. It is important that the number be greater than three and NOT a power of two (2,4,8,16... etc) since computers are ruled by powers of two. Prime numbers work best, since computers have the least power over prime numbers, a basic principle of computer cryptography.) Squirm in your seat and giggle if you feel the need to do so. 3. Visualize a vast web of connection flowing through the computer screen to all the others who are on line, especially your on line friends and relations. If appropriate, see if you can become erotically aware of any of them in this process. 4. You are now ready to employ the mantra for this working. The mantra comes from one of techno culture's wise elders and prophets, Marshall McLuhan. It is as follows: "The medium is the message." Breathe deeply five times again and begin to do things on the computer. Chant "The medium is the message.", click the mouse or type a word, and chant the mantra again, until you have repeated the mantra five times. Focus on the image of the screen independent of any assigned meaning it may have. It may be helpful to set text on the screen to a nonsense font such as Symbol or Dingbats, if possible. Lean back and let your hands fall away from the keyboard or mouse while scrying into the screen. Be open to whatever messages it has for you. 5. Breath in sets of five again, and focus your attention at the candle flame. When you are ready, chant the mantra "The medium is the message." five times at the flame, pausing to breathe three times between each repeat. Relax, and continue to focus on the flame. Be open to whatever messages it has for you. 6. If you had trouble focusing on the candle flame due to distraction from the computer screen, or if you feel that this excercise has been ridiculous and ineffectual so far, you may wish to attempt the following visualization. If you are feeling relaxed and empowered at this stage, you should skip to the next step. 7. The visualization: If the simpler part of this spell doesn't seem to be working, really do this visualization. Just reading it as a story will not have the same effect. If this doesn't shake your soul loose from the screen, you may wish to seek a friendly exorcist. * Close your eyes and breath deeply to enter a trance state * Imagine a vast musty space such as the interior of a warehouse. Feel the air currents, smell the slightly stale air, hear the faint reverberations. * You are flying through this vast space in the darkness on moth wings. Two glowing lights can be seen, and you fly toward one of them. The light is dazzling and flickering like the beating of your wings. It is colorful and dancing. You try to grow closer to this light, but a hard layer of glass holds you back. You beat against the glass desperately, seeking a way around it. Finally you fall back from it exhausted. * You then see the other light again, and it is warm, sensuous, and undulating. You fly toward its friendlier glow. This new glow envelops and welcomes you until suddenly in a hot flash, it has engulfed you, and all sign of the previous flickering light is overwhelmed in a pulsating wave of ecstasy. The glowing light is all, and the heat unbearable. * Then there is a sudden coolness and the light shatters into millions of stars in the blackness of space. Your ashes float through space until they start falling toward a beautiful blue green planet. You fall through its atmosphere and into the clouds. The clouds rain on the ground below and you are carried by the cool water into the rich welcoming earth where seeds sleep ready to burst forth in new growth. Realize that this earth is the same as the ground beneath you, and return to the room, opening your eyes if haven't already. 8. Turn the computer off. A complete power down, including the monitor. Come on, you can do it. If any internal voices are telling you not to bother with this step, examine where they are coming from and what motivates them. 9. Return to the candle. Visualize a vast web of connection flowing from the candle flame to others you know, spanning across the earth. If appropriate, see if you can become erotically aware of any of these others in this process. When you feel you have extended this visualization as far as is comfortable, pull slowly back to yourself and the room you are in. 10. Relax and meditate on what you have experienced so far for about five minutes. Even if all you have experienced is amusement or boredom, take note of this, and reflect upon it. 11. Get up and stretch thoroughly. Open a window or door to the outside, even if you have to walk a long way to do this, and offer a breath to the spirit of the wind. Look up to the sky, and down toward the earth. If any energy feels excessive, wound up, or nervous, let this flow down to the earth. 12. Cleansing afterward is recommended. A white sage smudge and/or a calming bath would help accomplish this, for example. 13. If you have experienced anything noteworthy, write about this, by hand, away from your computer. 14. Rinse, repeat as needed. All rites reversed, copy this rite anywhere. To obtain the author's blessing for this, spin three times clockwise and tap a nearby piece of wood.

1. Your goals for ritual include finishing without knocking over the fire element. 2. You need to time your rituals to last no more than 1 hour, in order to not be suffocated by the one incense stick in the east. 3. Your familiar entering the circle pushes you out of it. 4. And your familiar is a dragon fly. 5. Your cauldron is a coffee cup and your altar is a dinner plate. 6. You must dance while sitting, so you don’t trip over Freya. 7. You think your carpet has turned white, but then you realize it’s the salt you used to mark the circle. 8. The last time you invoked the Horned One, you had to patch the ceiling. 9. The water element sunlights a fishbowl, a drinking glass, and a sink, simultaneously. 10. Your coven is only three people, and you still have to leave your shoes in the hallway to make room. 11. You have to offer money to the Gods, because a steak or loaf of bread would take up too much space in the circle. 12. You have to fold the bed against the wall to fit the air element in. 13. Your rituals are all skyclad, after that nasty incident of an overanxious candle torching all the coven’s robes at once last Lammas. 14. You’re a Taurus, and you still think this situation must change. 15. You’re a Scorpio, but you’re developing a fear of candle fire. 16. You’re a Gemini, but you have no indecision about the need for more room. 17. You’re a Leo, and you’re growing shy because it’s your bedroom we’ve been practicing in. 18. You’re an Aries, but you’re now adept at dancing around numerous candles on the floor without burning yourself, for reasons of survival. 19. You’re a Cancer, but you don’t need to ask your mother if this is enough space. You know it’s not. 20. You’re a Virgo, and you can’t manage to engineer the space in order to fit everyone. 21. You’re a Libra, and you’re firmly with Gemini on this one. 22. You’re a Sagittarius, but the remains of the sea glass from the West at last Esbat which will still not leave your feet are starting to depress you. 23. You’re a Capricorn and you are starting to dream of grand forests with acres of space, and a mansion to practice in on rainy days. 24. You’re an Aquarius and the burning hair problem is starting to make you emotional. 25. You’re a Pisces but you know that something’s wrong. 26. You’re a Discordian, but when asked if the problem needs to be fixed, you reply, “Yes, immediately! How about my place?” 27. You’re a New Ager, but not even you believe another crystal will help. 28. You’re an Old Wiccan, but have started using the chalice and wand for the Great Rite anyway. 29. You’re a Neo Wiccan, but you’ve had to remove some of the rainbows and “Goddess loves us!” banners in order to make room for your name. 30. You’re Asatru, but you’re starting to consider putting some of your battle axes into storage. 31. Last time to walked to the West you flooded the place. 32. Casting a circle involves moving things out of the way. 33. Jumping over your bed is part of the spiral dance. 34. You are openly Pagan but still can say you're in the closet.

If casting the circle changes an (int) to a (float)... If drawing down a circle is a POST (power on self test)... If erecting the temple entails formatting more than 4 disks... If passing the cakes and ale entails using a /me command... If the address of your covenstead begins with http://... If you determine the phases of the moon from the US Naval Observatory If you call the Watch Towers on your cell-phone... If you cast a circle with your CAD program... If you attend ritual skyclad because it's too much trouble to get dressed for a computer... If you can download your Book of Shadows... If you cast a spell to improve your download speed... If you do cord magick with Ethernet... If you do most of your correspondence by email and sign off with Blessed Be ... If you have cast a circle in a chat room... If you don't call it a ritual, you call it a Macro... If you draw down the moon using a light-pen... If you end a circle with Ctrl-Alt-Del... If you have ever attached ribbons to a May Pole using a staple gun... If you invite the God and Goddess to come online... If you keep a Disk of Shadows (with encrypted backups)... If you participate in online rituals more than you do FTF... If you refer to deities using 3-letter acronyms (ODN, LKI, THR)... If you refer to eclectic ritual as cross-platforming... If you refer to solitary practice as a "stand alone"... If you ritually down your server for Samhain... If you tap into the collective unconscious using Netscape... If you use List servers to set the "Quarters"... If your altar cloth is a mouse pad... If your altar has a keyboard... If your athame has a SCSI interface... If your Beltane ritual includes more than one news group... If your Book of Shadows has a 6-digit version number... If your candles have batteries... If your cauldron is a crock-pot... If your chimes are electronic... If your computer has its own familiar... If your cone of power has a surge suppresser... If your coven is spread over a 12,000 sq. mi. area... If your crystal ball has a horizontal-hold control... If your daemons collect news for you... If your deities include Murphy and Gates... If your delete button burns the file... If your drumming is done on a CD player (pre-recorded)... If your familiar is a computer mouse... If your familiar is labeled "Intel Inside"... If your favorite deity has a homepage... If your herbs are always mail-ordered (express, overnight)... If your idea of a great retreat has a Computer City, electricity, and a TV nearby... If your incense is by Glade... If your wand is a light pen... If your magical name, email address, and online name are all the same... If your magical writing is done in binary code or C++... If your OBE's begin with a netsplit... If your pentacle is made of computer chips... If your ritual robes conceal a pocket protector... If your search for truth involves regular expressions... If your spell check program is Bullfinches' Mythology... If your Star Trek screen-saver signals when your meditation period is over... If your Tarot cards multi-task... If your tech hands you your amethyst crystal that is stored by your hard drive... If you coven has a Ritual Technician... If you have had to clean wax and incense ash off your motherboard... If your Yule ritual involves defragmentation... If, instead of asking what tradition someone comes from, you ask what operating system they run... If, when your quarter candles burn out, the UPS backup system kicks in... If you charge your ritual tools with a Visa card... If you have used a TV remote as an athame... And finally... If your circle is a token ring... ... well, you just might be a TechnoPagan!