hard to breath Blog by FutureEmt
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FutureEmt's blog: "hard to breath"

created on 09/18/2006  |  http://fubar.com/hard-to-breath/b3758
Some things are better left unsaid, even if they mean ur gona feel alone the rest of your life, although u may have someone in it. Things are said, people are upset, and no longer wish to be with that person because of some unresoleved issues within themselves. they no longer want to hurt inside, and no longer want to hurt others, so they keep whatevers holding them back, inside, thinking it wil be ok, thinking that if nothing is said about a problem your facing, that it wil al go away, and things will get beter.---truth is-they wont. Unfortuntly, to many people suffer from this..its called life.. and if the only one true person in your life cant stay true and help trhoughout your problems, then it was never really love. and that in turn only brings more hurt. This is what i go through everyday of my life..day after day i wake up wishin i was someone else, wishing i was beautiful, although others tell me i am... i will never belive it unitl i see it. Everyday i wake up hoping that the same night ill go to sleep and wake up to a better life, one filled with hopes and dreams, and happieness, and love. I dont feel that, no matter how hard i try. No matter who says what , or how much they love me...honestly, that doesnt matter, i still feel the same, i still face the same inner pain, and struggles that many others face also. No matter how much someone says they love me, i dont beleive it, mayb becasue of what i have ben through, changed my beliefs in life, or maybe im jus different. Am i numb to feelings, or simply just not wanting it>? ill never kno And sometimes that is the one thing that hurts me soo much-what if that someone really does love me? and im throwing it away with my doubts, and anger, along with the tears i shed. someotimes i think ill never kno, never kno anything about my life, my future, or who i am. Im still looking, and its takin forever, but hopefully i can hang on long enough to find myself. but facing this much pain and hurt, makes it soo tough, that most days i wish i wasnt even alive. Life works out kinda funny...---never the way u want it too. why is that? If it did i think the world wuld be alot happier. The guilt, pain and hurt, causes so many tears, tearing my heart in two, its liek inside theres a neverending burning, like your cursed for life, and for that, u jus wanna give up. Im sure im not the only one who feels this way, but i feel alone in the situation. How can i be holdin on to something i never had??? How can u miss what u never had? Ill never know....
words to live by*** ~WORDS TO LIVE BY~> ONLY YOU HAVE THE POWER TO MAKE YOUR SELF HAPPY. NO ONE CAN DO IT FOR YOU. YOU HAVE THE OPPERTUNITY TO LIVE LIFE AND SEE WHAT LIES AHEAD. YOU ONLY HAVE ONE LIFE TO LIVE, AND IF YOU SPEND IT JUDGING OTHERS, OR HURTING PEOPLE, YOU WILL GO NOWHERE< MAKE THE MOST OF LIFE, BECAUSE IT COULD END AT ANT GIVEN MOMENT STAY STRONG AND DONT GIVE UP. WHEN TIMES ARE HARD, HOLD ON, AND BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. ITS NOT EASY BUT YOU NEED TO TRY. KEEP ON DREAMING. DONT SPEND LIFE DWELLING ON THE PAST OR>NEGATIVES THINGS BECAUSE IT ONLY BRINGS YOU DOWN, AND EVENTUALLY, YOU LOSE ALL POWER TO MOVE ON. ITS NEVER TOO LATE TO CHANGE YOURSELF OR YOUR LIFE FOR THE BETTER SOMETIMES WE MUST GET HURT IN ORDER TO GROW, WE MUST FAIL IN ORDER TO KNOW< AND SOMETIMES OUR VISIONS ONLY CLEAR AFTER THEY ARE WASHED AWAY BY TEARS. LIFE COMES PRETTY QUICK, BUT COMES TO AN END EVEN QUICKER DONT MAKE THE WRONG CHOICES, MAKE THE WISER DECISIONS, AND IF YOU DONT KNOW WHATS WISE, LISTEN TO YOUR HEART IT WILL TELL YOU WHATS RIGHT. DONT GAIN ANY MORE ENIMEIES> THAN YOU MIGHT ALREADY HAVE, AND DONT VOID OUT PEOPLE WHEN THEY WALK AWAY. GIVE THEM A SEXOND CHANCE IF THEIR SECOND CHANCE HAS ENDED, SAY TO THEM WHAT YOUVE WANTED TO SAY BEFORE ITS TOO LATE. TELL THEM HOW YOU FEEL BECAUSE ONCE THEY ARE GONE-THEY CANT COME BACK< AND YOU CANT CHANGE WHAT HAS ALREADY BEEN DONE YOULL REGRET IT THE REST OF YOUR LIFE FOR NOT SAYING WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY LIVE YOUR LIFE TO ITS FULLEST, AND MAKE EVERYDAY COUNT. LIVE DAY BY DAY
Will You???(by me) Will he always hide? How can anyone mess up the mind of a little child? I was just 5 years old. I trusted him to take care of me and my family. instead, he hurt us with his hands, his lies, and hurtful games he made only us play. How can you live with what youve done? He never said sorry, hes too much of a coward to admit what hesdone, and how u hurt us. You ruined my life, until this day, and those games u made me play, will continue to haunt me for the future to come. Im haunted everyday- your liek a ghost-following me- tormenting me, but your not even here-thats how much it still hurts. He betrayed my trust, a little innocent gurl with ribbons in her hair, i was placed in his care. He robbed my innocence, and took the little happieness i had, that took me five years to gain- but thats all gone now, because he decieved me.. I feel rotten, dirty, from what hes done....i feel as if i have to shower five times a day just to get this inner hurt off of my soul. I sit here at night-im afriad of the dark-from all the times we were in it-jus me and him/ I cant ever trust anybody the same again..and for that i hate you- cuz i want to be happy, i wanna trust people, but its hard wehn he took all that away. All i can do is move on- but i cant. no matter how hard i try-those memeories stilll hurt today, and these memories still hurt me. I think about everynight-- everynight how he came home drunk-in rage, he hurt me when u threw things at me..how you dragged us by our hair, how he slapped her with his hands, followed by a few punches- i knew my turn was next-how you could yu lay a hand on us, literally every few days??? does that make you feel strong, liek a man? well your not-your a coward cuz u wont admit what youve done-or how uve hurt us. As i think about how he put us through the worst thing anyone can expierence, i cry, empty tears fall on my pillow- silent strands of hurt, anger, rage, no trust, heart pounding, thinkin of how badly i want to hurt him liek he hurt us- Too many times shes bailed him out of jail-money wasted on him that wwe didnt have-endless nights of a five year old gurl, left alone, with a sister jus three years older than me, cookin macoroni and cheese, barely knowing how to use a stove-but we did-we were alone, and weve learned how to survive and our young tender ages. You kno how many days of that game we played i faced?? 4-5 times a week, 52 weeks a year, 12 years---thats--over 3000 days i wish i never faced... Family parties??-he lied- didnt speak, but he lied..inside...knowing how he treated us.. acted liek he cared. like you were in love. truth is. u werent..he just liekd being around us so he can feel powerful-because we took this abuse. we took the hurt, and the drinking, Things no one could possibly ever imagine a child being treeated, ive expierenced, ive be through. People say when u die, u either go to heaven or hell- i ve already ben to hell-this man put us there. Everynight was hell- as soon as the drinkin started-we knew it was time for the devil to do his work-that devil----YOU. back then i rather wish i was in heaven. A five year old wishin she was dead- how could a five year old want to be dead? five years old, and all i wanted to do was die, becasue the hurt was so bad, id rather not live at all, than live with that pain he put us through. this is no joke-im not joking...this isnt funny..it hurts. its reeal, and you cant understand how "us people" feel, unless you ben through it..Its like he took his own two hands and ripped out our hearts from the inside...and stepped on them.but we could still feel them. Those nights of watching television by myself, alone in the dark, because she had to go to the jail to to bail him out. But he never said thank you to her-money we didnt have, our clothes were ripped, we had no food, nothin for ourselves.. cuaz she wasted it on bailing him out. You kno the thanks we got for that? two nights later, another drink, leads to another fight, something as little as a dumb little comment said, turns into someone getting hit, and things thrown across the room, phones bein ripped out of the walls so we couldnt call the police, and as we kno it, we think were to blame-two little gurls who just wanted so badly to be sisters who were happy living in a house with their mother, but we couldnt do that. we nver once expierenced that. INstead of her coming to my school plays, and missing some parent teacher confrences, she was at home, getting drunk, gettting hit, so when it weas time for school to be done, she was drunk..piked us up from shool, with too much alocohol in her. no matter how much we were hurt, how much we were beaten, or how many phones and dishes were thrown at us, we held on.. and not once did we fail or give in to his abuse. 12 years! weve held on...were still standing .that doesnt make you strong anymore becuase weve ben through hell, and were still alive today..I just wish more people would learn from this and how it hurts to be victim of a game many people call abuse. its not fun, and its nuthing liek playin a game of candyland or monopoly. To Top that off.. i had no friends, no one to cry to... becuase the only people i did have hurt me in ways that are unimaginable. No father to call me on my bday or send letters or never even bothered to pik up the fone...not once!~ a mother who was too busy falling into a trap some people like to call love. YOu see, people liek us never live a normal life, no matter how hard we try and try..instead of plyin with my friends, or falling off the jungle gyms, or splashin in the pools, i was being hit, shoved, pushed around, and being caled names liek fat, ugly, stupid, and more i care not to say..bein just a child, i didnt understand the world in which i was forced and had no choice but oto live in.. i started to watch tv and see how many families are happy, and have a dog and kids running freely in the yard, throwin a ball to their father-i wondered why it wasnt liek that at home.. why my mommmy and daddy werent together, and why we were bein hurt instead of living a life o a television set. Thats not how it works in my world...the world of a child who was betrayed, decieved, and lied to about being loved. This world i was trapped in, burns inside, sets my soul at a low, and my heart is constintly sinking lower as i feel like im being pushed into an early grave. One way i did not choose to live.. U see, we have no control over our lives, only our destiny, our will, the path that was choosen we have no say or control in. This is the way we have to live...our world is unkind, and unfortuntly, too many poeple like myself, to many little innocent children playing a game, but not kno why they are losing, and getin punished just for breathing the wrong way. This hapens every day, every second, a child is being hurt, molested, abused, hit, beaten or what u want to call it. I just 5 years old expierneced it for 12 years. 12 years of non stop pain. if it wasnt one thing it was another. Parents divorced, but i thought it would be ok..it wasnt. if it wasnt my parents arguing, it was her boyfriend throwin something at her face, claiming she fell, or bumped into the wall. We all hear that too many times-that excuse "i fell" "bumped into the doornob". Dont beleive it, dont let this control you. Dnt believe its ok, cuz its not. If you see yourself in any of these situations, get out, trust me, it might not end up liek u want it too. it may be too late for anyone living in this horrible life...If u think your ok, and he wont do it again, your wrong to think that-it will happen again, once he hits you, and you conitue to stay with him, he will think he can do it again, because the first time, you did nuthing about it. get yourself out b4 its too late..dnt let thsi world face another tradgedy, because its not fun, and no one should have to live this way. Ever!~not a child, not mother, no one. I eventually grew up but was never truely happy. I went to high school...still the fights and the game never really stopped playing us. I expierenced more things in high school, once i saw my life goin no where. I got involved wioth the wrong people, wrong crowd of kids, who more than likely, grew up just liek me. I put myself through fights, drugs, drinking, self mutilation, and the most recent, an eating disorder. No ones perfect-and by this story youi can most likely tell that i am not. Maybe i do those things to foget about the past, to forget the pain jus one man had caused. But no matter what, anyone in my givin situation, has to look ahead, and help themselves b4 its too late. look to the sky and pray because thats all i had during my childhood. Just when u feel like giving up.-dont...be true to yuorself, and if u find yourself falling deeper into your grave, crawl out before your literally in there for good. be what you wnt to be, chase your dreams, and be a good person of faith, hope and trust. In turn, your time for happieness will come as i have learned myself. I currently live with two roomates who are the two most awsome people ive ever met---have the most wonderful boyfriend who treats me like anyone deserves to be treated...work at walmart, and start college in spetmeber for paramedic training.bein through what i have ben through has made me a stronger person, and for that, i wil dedicate my life to helping others. Stay real, dont dont it for others, do it for yourself***
sometimes i ask myself where my life is really going, who do i turn too, or what options do i have left..all these are questions i am struggling to awnser, and think about day after day. some days, im happy, love where i am, and love being alive...few days later, one small thing goes wrong, or one big thing goes wrong, my life seems as if its crashing down, and i cant get it back together again. and i feel as if all i wanna do is die...sometimes i think its the best thing to happen to me and everyone who knows me...its like im lost, n confused, and cant seem to escape the harsh realities only i know im living...no one knows anything about me, they sit here and judge me, and think they can treat me however they want, even if it means hurting me. most people dont kno what i struggle day after day...something that seems to be taking over my life, and every morning i wake up, struggling just to breath and move on one more step...eating disorders--not sumthing to laugh about..i look in the mirror and relize i can never change who i truely am...and that is me..i can no longer go back, to who i once was..
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