There is a time where I wish I could escape and take the time to gaze into a river. A chance for me to have a moment of peace and look into what is to be and what is not to be. Gazing into that river means looking at every part of my life, the good and the ugly. Bad? Bad is nothing compare to the ugly stains in my life. Yes, I have survive some dark days but alot of times I wonder why I survive one ugly stain compared to others. Strange huh? Yet, I know why I survive and I am thankful for that gift. I wouldn't be who I am today, a spirit searching for her place in the world. Yes, I have helped many but at a cost.
This river shows so many things that I wonder my sanity in this world that has completly lost it. Sometimes when a memory shows up, there are days I wish I could put my finger into it to distort it, hoping it could erase the pain. It doesn't though, for I can't erase any of it. None.
I am at a point where I am retreating away to maybe gain some insight on where my spirit is and how to deal with some of the hurt. Yes, I am tired of games. Tired of the lies. Tired of fake images. Just tired of it all. I need a break to deal with what matters most. I need a break to be by myself.
I want to walk away from it all. Walk and sit by this river so I can focus on my spirit and hope to hell I can deal with the gray walls that are growing taller every minute.Creating my own prison...to keep the pain at bay.
The pain that has hurt more than needed. I wasn't planning on this pain but that is what I get for trusting again, for wanting to believe that love could exist for me. I know better now. Is there someone who is willing to show me the difference from what I know now? I really don't think so and that is why I have the walls created. To forget what was there and to walk away....never to come back. To gaze at this river and see the life as it was to be, walking in the shadows to observe life behind these gray walls.
