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DaddyJAK's blog: "funny things...."

created on 11/17/2006  |  http://fubar.com/funny-things/b25682

memo

To the couple fucking on the third floor apt across the street from my office:

We at X Associates would like to thank you for your weekly Friday show. every Friday at 4 we can count on you to get it on and on and on.

I must admit my surprise in a city full of skyscrapers that someone in a third floor apt in midtown doesn't see the need for window coverings of any sort especially when there is a 17 floor office building across the street.

I only can assume you are feeling the need to keep up with the porn shop that opened up on the first floor of your building. though I question your intelligence I applaud your lusty lifestyle.

Last weeks super freaky positions sex was great fun. all the engineers here are still trying to work out the logistics on a couple of those positions, and we are fairly sure that one of them is physically impossible due to the stresses it would put on the female body.

This weeks theme seems to be speed fucking from behind...and was that a third person in the room we saw, we aren't sure but oh what randy fun. and once again we are amused, and titillated.

You have no idea what a welcome break you bring when the call comes from that side of our office that the fuckers are at it again.

The cubicles clear out and you have 20 some odd men, and one woman (me) pressed against the windows.

As much as we enjoy the current show we do have some ideas that could really bring it to the next level of enjoyment for your adoring viewers.

1. Invest in some kind of glare free glass for the window. the glare gets nasty on overcast days like today and we could barely make out who was slapping who on the ass.

2. Move a bit closer to the window...not too close, just say a foot. this give us the viewer the premium viewing situation.

3. Man...get rid of the chubby girl, from certain angles well she is just too much woman for us.

4. Sex against the window, just think about the fun that would be had for all, you then could see us we could see you, it would be a wonderous intimate act for the 25 of us.

5. Maybe add one more show a week, I know last week you did a bonus wednesday show and it went over great, it really warmed us up for friday.

I would really like once again to thank you on behalf of us all here at X Associates. you make what is the best day of the work week here even better, because nothing can beat seeing two young people as yourself fuck like monkeys right before we leave this hellhole for the weekend.

 

the twins

Little Johnny and Willy were twins, and for their 13th birthday, Willy got a bicycle while Little Johnny got a little portable radio.

Willy hopped up on his bike and went to town.

On the way he sees the Gerald's house on fire, firetrucks, the whole bit.

He spins around and peddles as fast as he could back home.

"Little Johnny! Little Johnny! Guess what? I saw a fire at old man Gerald's! There was fire engines! Firemen! and EVERYTHING!!!"

Little Johnny looks up and says, "Yeah, I know, I heard about it 10 minutes ago on the news on my radio."

Willy scowls and jealously mutters, "You and your fuckin' radio!" and storms off, to go riding again.

In town he sees just about the most exciting thing ever! Police, sirens, and all kinds of excitement, because the local bank had been robbed.

He races home as fast as he can, starts hollering before he's even completely in the door,

"Little Johnny! Little Johnny! Guess what?"

Little Johnny dryly interrupts with, "The bank was robbed?"

Willy scowls and storms off, muttering, "You and your fuckn' radio!"

Well, this time he pedals clear through town, and out into the countryside on the other side.

A few miles up the road he sees a poor little pig with its head stuck in a fence.

He grins, parks the bike, climbs down the bank, pulls his pants down and gives it to the porker.

Then he races as fast as he could all the way home... "Little Johnny!

Little Johnny! Guess what? I just had my first sexual experience!"

Little Johnny looks up, dismisses Willy with a wave, "Bah! In a pig's ass you did!"

"You and your fuckin' radio!" mutters Willy, as he cycles off.

You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
 
Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
 
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
 
At least one wing of your X-Wing fighters is primer colored.
 
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
 
You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
 
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
 
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
 
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't
have to wait for a commercial.
 
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
 
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark
side...it'll be a hoot."
 
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock
Thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
 
You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
 
You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
 
You have the doors of your X-wing fighter welded shut and you have to
get in through the window.
 
Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had
a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
 
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
 
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood
deck.
 
You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina
scene.
 
If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father ... and your uncle ..."

is there any??

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day.
  
 Sid asks Abe, "Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico?"
  
 Abe replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
 
When the waiter arrives, Abe asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
  
 The waiter says, "I don't know senor, I ask the cooks."
  
 He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No senor, the cooks say no Mexican Jews."
Abe isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"
 
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies, "I check once again, senor," and goes back into the kitchen.
While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews."
 
"Are you certain?" Abe asks again. "I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!" 
 
Ready for this ?.......
"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter. "All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews, and Apple Jews, but no Mexican Jews."

 


She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.
 
She's been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.
 
She's done more screwing than Black and Decker.
 
She's responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.
 
She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.
 
She's been boarded more times than Amtrak.
 
She's been mounted more often than Trigger.
 
She's been involved with more animals than Marlin Perkins.
 
She's entertained more troops than Bob Hope.
 
She's been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare.
 
She's been turned more ways than Rubik's Cube.
 
She's seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.
 
She's had more turnovers than the International House of Pancakes.
 
She's been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.
 
She's had more marines land on her than on Iwo Jima.

Her body has been declared a national recreation area.
 
Her diaphragms come with a service contract.
 
She has an IUD with a beeper.
 
She uses industrial strength douche.
 
Her gynecologist entered her in the Grand Canyon look-alike contest.

best laugh of the year!!!

scroll down to the bottom to read the COMMENTS left by buyer:

 

 

http://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Gummy-Candy-Sugarless-5-Pound/dp/B000EVQWKC/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1387286458&sr=8-1&keywords=haribo+sugar+free+gummi+bears 

 

they should have WARNING!!! in big letters on the bag

Places

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I live close so it's a short drive. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not. People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before! I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there. I actually kind of enjoy it there. So far, I haven't been in Continent, but my travel agent says I'll be going soon………….

http://www.appeal-democrat.com/news/ronald_53288___article.html/cook_gridley.html What happened to Ronald? Statue of beloved fast-food icon stolen from Gridley restaurant By Robert LaHue/Appeal-Democrat August 28, 2007 - 11:10PM It’s not every day Gridley-Biggs police announce an arrest warrant for the Hamburglar. But in a particularly quarter-pounder-with-cheesy crime, the Ronald McDonald statue inside the play area of the Gridley McDonald’s was pilfered, leaving Happy Meals a little less happy. “I don’t know what anyone would do with Ronald,” Assistant Chief Brian Cook said Tuesday. Cook said the department was having a little fun with the incident, issuing a press release noting Ronald was last seen in large red shoes, bright red hair and red nose. But Cook also noted there was a crime and significant monetary damages. The value of the Ronald statue is reported to be $1,800, well over the $400 limit for the incident to be considered grand theft, Cook said. Police hope the media attention for such an unusual crime may assist the department in locating Ronald. The statue was taken Saturday after McDonald’s employees left at 2 a.m. The theft was reported later that morning. “The officer was surprised when he was dispatched to the call,” Cook said. In order to get to Ronald, the suspects had to jump a fence into the play area and unbolt Ronald from the bench he was sitting on, he said. Cook figures such a crime would take multiple people to pull off, since he figures the statue would be fairly heavy. “It wasn’t Styrofoam,” he said. Most Internet information available says the statues are usually made of fiberglass or PVC. “This was an unfortunate incident, and we are cooperating fully with the Gridley-Biggs Police Department in its investigation,” said Gridley restaurant franchisee Mark Burrington. Grimace, Mayor McCheese and the Fry Kids could not be reached for comment. Ronald McDonald made his debut in 1963 and was portrayed by Willard Scott, better known as the long-time weatherman on NBC’s “Today” show. Anyone with information on the whereabouts of Ronald is asked to contact Gridley-Biggs police at 846-5678.
1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea ... I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em. 6) If you in I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in yer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room. 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. and.... the best for last! 13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
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