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During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked one of her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'"
The teacher fainted...
The Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service were
presenting an alternative to Alberta ranchers for controlling the
coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the
tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the
tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males
would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population
would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Alberta
Ranching Association and Farming Association by the Alberta
Government and the Alberta Forest Service.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of
minutes. Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference
room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Son, I don't think you
understand our problem.
Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep.....they're eatin' 'em!'
You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter!
# Government Worker
# Legally drunk
# Exact estimate
# Act naturally
# Found missing
# Resident alien
# Genuine imitation
# Airline Food
# Good grief
# Government organization
# Sanitary landfill
# Alone together
# Small crowd
# Business ethics
# Soft rock
# Butt Head
# Military Intelligence
# Sweet sorrow
# Rural Metro (ambulance service)
# "Now, then ..."
# Passive aggression
# Clearly misunderstood
# Peace force
# Extinct Life
# Plastic glasses
# Terribly pleased
# Computer security
# Political science
# Tight slacks
# Definite maybe
# Pretty ugly
# Rap music
# Working vacation
# Religious tolerance
# Microsoft Works
# Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.
# He actually *does* have your tongue.
# You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch.
# Cyanide pawprints all over the house.
# You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.
# As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.
# Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM."
# Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying, "Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?"
# Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on.
# You find blueprints for a Rube Goldgerg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.
# Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
# Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.
# Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.
# You find a piece of paper labelled "MY WIL" which says "LEEV AWL 2 KAT."
# Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess.
The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says "Do Not Disturb"!!
After a big fight with his blonde wife, a man walks into his bedroom to find her sitting on the bed holding a gun to her own head.
At the sight of this, the man begins laughing.
"What are you laughing about?" she says, "You're next!"
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her.
He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what should he do.
The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
The blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is exposed."
"Oh. my God", says the blond. "I left the baby on the bus!"
MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind
the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks).
Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to
walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a
child at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as
you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or
damage.
DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making
sure that all the arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the
ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of
soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an
airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of
sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m., begin to waltz and hum
with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for
10:00p.m.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever
heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set
alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.
Look cheerful.
INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it
into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an
attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil.
Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa
Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and
put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into
the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies.
Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the
car. There, perfect.
PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes.
Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to
notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.
PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the
clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the
head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the
store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last
time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can
improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's
table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that
they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience.
It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarise the details of an accident in the fewest
possible words. Some of these are VERY old, in fact I remember my Mother(who used to work for an insurance company) showing me some of these about
20 years ago. I haven't seen them for a long time, so maybe they will be new to you or at least raise a laugh (which is our hope). Enjoy:
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. (This is why Rip Van Winkle slept for 40 years. ;-) )
I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the
road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run so I ran over him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minuteto your life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.
2. My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She is now 70 and we don't know where she is.
3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
4. I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing.
6. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
10. If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a small country.
11. And last, but not least, I don't jog - it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
