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California vs. Texas
REMEMBER ALL THESE SONGS ?
"You haven't seen my teeth have you Wilma? 
THE NEXT SURVIVOR
SERIES
Six married men
will be dropped on an island
with one car
and 3 kids each
for six weeks.
Each kid will play two sports
and take either music or dance classes.
There is no fast food.
Each man must
take care of his 3 kids;
keep his assigned house clean,
correct all homework,
complete science projects,
cook,
do laundry,
and pay a list of 'pretend' bills
with not enough money.
In addition,
each man
will have to budget enough money
for groceries each week.
Each man
must remember the birthdays
of all their friends and relatives,
and send cards out on time--no emailing.
Each man must also take each child
to a doctor's appointment,
a dentist appointment
and a haircut appointment.
He must make one unscheduled and
inconvenient visit per child to the Emergency Room.
He must also make cookies or cupcakes
for a school function.
Each man will be responsible for
decorating his own assigned house,
planting flowers outside, and keeping it
presentable at all times.
The men will only have access to television
when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.
The men must shave their legs,
wear makeup daily,
adorn themselves with jewelry,
wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes,
keep fingernails polished,
and eyebrows groomed
During one of the six weeks,
the men will have to endure severe
abdominal cramps, backaches, headaches,
have extreme, unexplained mood swings
but never once complain or slow down
from other duties.
They must attend weekly school meetings
and church,
and find time at least once to spend
the afternoon at the park or a similar
setting.
They will need to read a book to the kids each night
and in the morning,
feed them,
dress them,
brush their teeth and
comb their hair
by 7:30 am.
A test will be given
at the end of the six weeks,
and each father will be required to know
all of the following information:
each child's
birthday,
height, weight,
shoe size, clothes size,
doctor's name,
the child's weight at birth,
length, time of birth,
and length of labor,
each child's favorite color,
middle name,
favorite snack,
favorite song,
favorite drink,
favorite toy,
biggest fear,
and what they want to be when they grow up.
The kids vote them off the island based on performance.
The last man wins only if...
he still
has enough energy
to be intimate with his spouse
at a moment's notice.
If the last man does win,
he can play the game over and over and over
again for the next 18-25 years,
eventually earning the right
to be called Mother!
After you get done laughing,
send this to as many females as
you think will get a kick out of it and
as many men as you think can handle it.
Just don't send it back to me....
I'm going to bed.
Today's Inspirational Lesson
Never irritate a woman, who can operate a backhoe...
Scroll down
Thus endeth the lesson.
Women are Angels...And when someone breaks our wings...We simply continue to fly....on a broomstick...We are flexible like that...
A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star."
Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian." The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name." "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agents office.
FIVE YEARS LATER... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice. Sincerely, Dick van Dyke.
CLOTHING DONATIONS
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to kiss my ass !! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!
Marriage or Relationship
With a Significant Other ...
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never say it's not quite as good as his mother's
then adopt a dog.
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour,
for as long and wherever you want...
then adopt a dog.
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care
about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies
... then adopt a dog.
If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to
warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores
..then adopt a dog !
If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves
you unconditionally, perpetually…
..then adopt a dog.
BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair
all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness....
.
.
.
.
... then adopt a cat!
You thought I was gonna say... marry a man, didn't you?
Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.
Send this to all the men just to annoy them!
You....
....have a GREAT Day!!!
