kittycelt's blog: "Funnies"

ARE YOU TIRED OF THOSE SISSY "FRIENDSHIP" POEMS THAT ALWAYS SOUND GOOD, BUT NEVER ACTUALLY COME CLOSE TO REALITY? WELL, HERE IS A SERIES OF PROMISES THAT ACTUALLY SPEAK OF TRUE FRIENDSHIP. YOU WILL SEE NO CUTESY LITTLE SMILEY FACES ON THIS CARD- JUST THE STONE COLD TRUTH OF OUR GREAT FRIENDSHIP. WHEN YOU ARE SAD -- I WILL HELP YOU GET DRUNK AND PLOT REVENGE AGAINST THE SORRY BASTARD WHO MADE YOU SAD. (okay, I am in recovery, nix the drunk) WHEN YOU ARE BLUE -- I WILL TRY TO DISLODGE WHATEVER IS CHOKING YOU. WHEN YOU SMILE -- I WILL KNOW YOU FINALLY GOT LAID. WHEN YOU ARE SCARED -- I WILL RAG ON YOU ABOUT IT EVERY CHANCE I GET. WHEN YOU ARE WORRIED -- I WILL TELL YOU HORRIBLE STORIES ABOUT HOW MUCH WORSE IT COULD BE UNTIL YOU QUIT WHINING. WHEN YOU ARE CONFUSED -- I WILL USE LITTLE WORDS. WHEN YOU ARE SICK -- STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME UNTIL YOU ARE WELL AGAIN. I DON'T WANT WHATEVER YOU HAVE. WHEN YOU FALL -- I WILL POINT AND LAUGH AT YOUR CLUMSY ASS. THIS IS MY OATH..... I PLEDGE IT TO THE END. "WHY?" YOU MAY ASK; "BECAUSE YOU ARE MY FRIEND". SEND THIS TO 10 OF YOUR CLOSEST FRIENDS, THEN GET DEPRESSED BECAUSE YOU CAN ONLY THINK OF 4. FRIENDSHIP IS LIKE PEEING YOUR PANTS, EVERYONE CAN SEE IT, BUT ONLY YOU CAN FEEL THE TRUE WARMTH.

INSTALLING HUSBAND >>>>> >>>>> >>>>> >>>>> Dear Tech Support, >>>>> >>>>> >>>>> Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband >>>>> 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system >>>>> performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry >>>>> applications,which operated flawlessly under >>>>> Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many >>>>> other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal >>>>> >>>>> Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable >>>>> programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs >>>>> 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning >>>>> 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging >>>>> 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. >>>>> What can I do? >>>>> >>>>> Signed, Desperate >>>>> >>>>> ----------------------------------------------------------------- >>>>> Dear Desperate: >>>>> >>>>> First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment >>>>> Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. >>>>> Please enter the command: >>>>> "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download >>>>> Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 >>>>> update. If that application works as designed, >>>>> Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the >>>>> applications >>>>> Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. >>>>> But remember, overuse of the above application can >>>>> cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5 >>>>> Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a >>>>> very bad program that will download the Snoring >>>>> Loudly Beta. >>>>> Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it >>>>> runs a virus in the background that will eventually >>>>> seize control of all your system resources). >>>>> Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 >>>>> program. These are unsupported applications and will >>>>> crash Husband 1.0. >>>>> In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it >>>>> does have limited memory and cannot learn new >>>>> applications quickly. You might consider buying >>>>> additional >>>>> software to improve memory and performance. We >>>>> recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7. >>>>> >>>>> Good Luck, Tech Support

MY NEW NAME IS IN THE SUBJECT.....DON'T LAUGH UNTIL YOU FIND OUT WHAT > YOUR NEW NAME IS > > We all need a little stress-reliever! This only takes a minute. > > Please don't be a bore and ruin it. Send it on to everyone you know > including the person that sent it to you. > Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness > to break up the day. If we are honest, we have a lot more stressful days > than not. > > Here is your dose of humor... > > A. Follow the instructions to find your new name. > > B. Once you have your new name, put it in the subject box and forward it > to friends and family and co-workers. > > Don't forget to forward it back to the person who sent it to you, so > they know you participated. > And don't go all adult - a senior manager is now known far and wide as > Dorky Gizzardsniffer! > > The following is excerpted from a children's book, Captain Underpants > And the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey, in which the > evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names.. > So:- > > 1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first > name: > a = snickle > b = doombah > c = goober > d = cheesey > e = crusty > f = greasy > g = dumbo > h = farcus > i = dorky > j = doofus > k = funky > l = boobie > m = sleezy > n = sloopy > o = fluffy > p = stinky > q = slimy > r = dorfus > s = snooty > t = tootsie > u = dipsy > v = sneezy > w = liver > x = skippy > y = dinky > z = zippy > > 2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half > of your new last name: > > a = dippin > b = feather > c = batty > d = burger > e = chicken > f = barffy > g = lizard > h = waffle > i = farkle > j = monkey > k = flippin > l = fricken > m = bubble > > n = rhino > > o = potty > p = hamster > q = buckle > r = gizzard > s = lickin > t = snickle > u = chuckle > v = pickle > w = hubble > x = dingle > y = gorilla > z = girdle > > > > 3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half > of your new last name: > > a = butt > b = boob > c = face > d = nose > e = hump > f = breath > g = pants > h = shorts > i = lips > j = honker > k = head > l = tush > m = chunks > n = dunkin > o = brains > p = biscuits > q = toes > r = doodle > s = fanny > t = sniffer > u = sprinkles > v = frack > w = squirt > x = humperdinck > y = hiney > z = juice > > Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is: Fluffy Chucklefanny. > > Now when you SEND THIS ON...use your new name as the subject. > > > And remember that children laugh an average of 146 times a day; adults > laugh an average of 4 times a day. Put more laughter in your day

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

Subject: Guts vs. Balls -- Defined We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below... GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next." I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, Should I really shave my balls? If I don't - she'll surely bitch ~ Does she care how much I'll itch? Take the razor and lather up, Don't she care that I could slip? Shave my balls ~ and cut off my dick? Easy now ~ hands don't shake, She'll call me "Stumpy" with one mistake, Pubes in her teeth she really can't bear, If I want some head ~ get ridda the hair. So I shave my balls all nice and slick, Did it up nice ~ without one nic! "Feel 'em baby ~ they're so smooth!" "Take off your clothes - get in the groove!" She looks at me from our little bed, "I'm sleepy, Baby ~ ain't givin no head!" She rolls on over ~ and gives me her back, I'm so pissed off ~ I'm about to crack! Next day ~ it's breakfast in the sheets, I spoon her bites which she gladly eats, And I must confess I think it's fair, That her omelet was made with pubic hair.

More things you will never hear a man say. * I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss. * I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist. * Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again. * I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her. * No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn. * Better get ride of these old Penthouse magazines, I don't look at them anymore. * I understand. * This movie has too much nudity. * Damn, we're late for church. * No. I don't want to see your sister's tits. * Damn these onions, pass me a tissue. * Put some panties on, for Christ's sake!!!

Subject: priceless A husband wakes up with a huge hangover the night after a business function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! The husband sits up in bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table: Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping Love you! He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. The husband asks, Son . . . what happened last night? Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door. The husband asks, so, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, Ihave a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? His son replies, Oh, THAT! . . . Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!! Broken table--$200 Hot breakfast--$5 Red rose bud--$3 Two aspirins--$.25 Saying the right thing, at the right time . . . PRICELESS! --- what's this? http://scanner.gvtc.com !DSPAM:45b93c56124149415012434! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Need a quick answer? Get one in minutes from people who know. Ask your question on Yahoo! Answers.

Today is Einstein's birthday. He would have been 107. Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed, and postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts; the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection. This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty. Oh be quiet - - - I didn't write this I just forwarded it (;-)

Gynecologist Visit A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed. After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While Doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?" "Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities." "That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?"he asked. "Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?" "Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place."