kittycelt's blog: "Funnies"

A young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." "Next."

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER! > > > You don't even have to be a Mother to enjoy this one... > > > > > > Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the > >meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful > >Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. > > > > > > Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian > >and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course > >of the evening, while watching the two react, she started to wonder if > >there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye. Reading his > >mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be >thinking, > >but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates." > > > > > > About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your > >mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the ! beautiful silver > >gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, > >I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. > > > > > > So he sat down and wrote: > > > Dear Mom: I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the > >house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the > >fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for > >dinner. > > > Love, Brian > > > > > > Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that > >read: > > > > > > Dear Son: I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with >Stephanie, I'm not > >saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that > >if Stephanie is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy > >ladle by now. > > > > > > Love, Mom

NO KNICKERS The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball,a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear." Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!" Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money at be able at affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit."

Because everyone enjoys a little chuckle now and then J -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that. 4.. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In." 5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds" 7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy." 8. Don t use any punctuation 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. 10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face. 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go." 12. Sing Along At The Opera 13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day. 15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood. 16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom. 17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!" 18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!" 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go." 20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.

A Virgins Worst Nightmare A virgin girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. * * * * * * * * * Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. * * * * * * * * * At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. * * * * * * * * * That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" * * * * * * * * * The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. * * * * * * * * * A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. * * * * * * * * * 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. * * * * * * * * * Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." * * * * * * * * The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." * * * * * * * * * If you DON'T re-post this in 1 minute you will have bad sex for life!!! &while i'm at it. Because u opened this, u will get kissed on friday by the person u luv!! & 2morrow will be da best day of ur life, so DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN!!!!!! IF U BREAK IT, U WILL HAVE RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS FOR THE NEXT TEN YEARS!!!!!!!! Repost this as "A Virgins Worst Nightmare".

A Virgins Worst Nightmare A virgin girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. * * * * * * * * * Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. * * * * * * * * * At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. * * * * * * * * * That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" * * * * * * * * * The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. * * * * * * * * * A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. * * * * * * * * * 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. * * * * * * * * * Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." * * * * * * * * The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." * * * * * * * * * If you DON'T re-post this in 1 minute you will have bad sex for life!!! &while i'm at it. Because u opened this, u will get kissed on friday by the person u luv!! & 2morrow will be da best day of ur life, so DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN!!!!!! IF U BREAK IT, U WILL HAVE RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS FOR THE NEXT TEN YEARS!!!!!!!! Repost this as "A Virgins Worst Nightmare".

A young, well-educated man on a business trip gets on a plane to find himself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt, faded jeans and a cowboy hat. Thinking himself above the old cowboy, the young man decides to make sport of him. "You know," he says, "I've heard these flights go much more quickly if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger. So, let's talk." The cowboy looks at him wryly and says, "Well I s'pose that'd be all right. What'd ya like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," says the young man with a hint of sarcasm, "How about nuclear proliferation?" "Hmm," says the cowboy, sensing the young man's attempt to belittle him, "That could be an interesting topic. But, let me ask you a question first -- horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff---grass. Yet, a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?" Dumbfounded, the young man replies, "I haven't the slightest idea." "So tell me then," says the cowboy with a smile, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nukes when you don't know shit

HOW TO SAY " I LOVE YOU " IN 25 LANGUAGES English . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I Love You Spanish. . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . .. . . . . Te Amo French . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . .. . .. . . Je T'aime German . . . . .. . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . lch Liebe Dich Japanese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. Ai Shite Imasu Italian . . . . . . . .. . . . . .. . . . . . .. . . . . Ti Amo Chinese. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. Wo Ai Nin Swedish. . . . . . . . . . .. . . . ... . . . . . . . Jag Alskar Alabama, Arkansas, Indiana, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Florida, and Kentucky . . . . . . . . . . Nice ass. Get in the truck.

Useless Facts 1. Most American car horns honk in the key of F. 2. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan." 3. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts. 4. Every time you lick a stamp, you consume 1/10 of a calorie. 5. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. 6. Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself. 7. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself. 8. The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; '7' was selected after the original 7-ounce containers and 'UP' for the direction of the bubbles. 9. 101 Dalmatians, Peter Pan, Lady and the Tramp, and Mulan are the only Disney cartoons where both parents are present and don't die throughout the movie. . 10. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. 11. 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand. 12. To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs - it will let you go instantly. 13. Reindeer like to eat bananas. 14. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver and purple. 15. The word "samba" means "to rub navels together." 16. Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots. 17. The electric chair was invented by a dentist. 18. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II Killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo. 19. More people are killed annually by donkeys than airplane crashes. 20. A 'jiffy' is a unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

Top 10 Valentine card rejects 10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk. 9. Our love will never become cold and hollow Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow. 8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore. 7. This feels so good, it feels so right I just wish it wasn't $250 a night. 6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass. 5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!! 4. Through all the things that came to pass Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass. 3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty". 2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny! 1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister, you should check out the one that I gave to your sister!