PopPop's blog: "Funnies and other stuff"

Trying to do the job alone Dear Sir, I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number 3 of the accident reporting form, I put "trying to do the job alone" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient: I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which, fortunately, was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tight to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note, in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh 135 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom broke out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately fifty pounds. I refer you again to my weight in the accident reporting form, block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounted for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations on my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me...I again lost my presence of mind...and let go of the rope!

The 3-minute management course. Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?" Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. Lesson 2: A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory." Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. Lesson 3: A sales rep, administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch." Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say. Lesson 4: An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson 5: A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. Lesson 6: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Moral of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut! This ends the 3-minute management course.

BECAUSE I'M A MAN Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer. Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue. Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu" For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together. Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator). Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger-I mean, how the heck could he know where we're going? Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or beer, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't. Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my Mom, too! Because I'm a man, I am capable of announcing, "One more beer and I really have to go", and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. Like, what's the connection? Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't. Because I'm a man, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating. Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now? Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest. ~ This has been ~ A Public Service Announcement for Women, to better understand the Male animal.

Married Man's Story I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words' I do.' Here's an example of what I mean. One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.' I said 'WHAT????!!!' What was that?! So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads hearing...'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.' She then responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off from work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, " That's fine, honey." Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier'. I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.' Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled 'WHAT???!!!' I then said, 'Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.' And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?' Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either

Letter: Mrs. Fenton, Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offenses over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras. MEMO Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse/partner is shopping: 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened. 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away. 6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department. 8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?' 9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose. 10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are. 11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme. 12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels. 13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled PICK ME!" "PICK ME!" 14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!" (And; last, but not least!) 15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Statement: "I'm a Romantic." True Meaning: "I'm poor." Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about." True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me." Statement: "I really want to get to know you better." True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it." Statement: "She's kinda cute." True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary." Statement: "I don't know if I like her." True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me." Statement: "Was it good for you?" True Meaning: "I'm insecure about my manhood." Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night." True Meaning: "Who are you?" Statement: "Do you love me?" True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out." Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?" True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later." Statement: "How much do you love me?" True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now." Statement: "I have something to tell you." True Meaning: "Get tested." Statement: "I've been thinking a lot." True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk." Statement: "I think we should just be friends." True Meaning: "You're ugly." Statement: "I've learned a lot from you." True Meaning: "Next!!!!" Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?" True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine." ________________________________________ If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows. Why do men name their penises? Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because they already have boyfriends. Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics? He had it bronzed. Why do men like masturbation? Its sex with someone they love. How do some men define Roe vs. Wade? Two ways to cross a river. What is gross stupidity? 144 men in one room. Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. Wife: You wear briefs, don't you? What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette? The porcupine has pricks on the outside. How many men does it take to pop popcorn? Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove. What is a man's view of safe sex? A padded headboard. How do men sort their laundry? "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable". Why did God create man? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn. Why were men given larger brains than dogs? A.So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. B.So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block. Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom? To keep the swelling down. What is the thinnest book in the world? "What men know about women." How many men does it take to screw a light bulb? A.One - men will screw anything. B.One - men will screw up anything. C.Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it How does a man take a bubble bath? He eats beans for dinner. What is a man's idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging. How can you tell if a man is aroused? He's breathing. What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature. How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head. What do men and beer have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.

Don't squat with your spurs on. Good judgement comes from experience... Problem is... A LOT of experience comes from bad judgement. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a lot easier'n puttin' it back in! If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut! Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. Always drink upstream from the herd. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson. When your throwin' your weight around be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. Never miss a good chance to shut up. There are 3 kinds of men: The one that learns by reading... The few that learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

A Day at the Races The Lineup: 1. Passionate Lady 2. Bare Belly 3. Silk Panties 4. Conscience 5. Jockey Shorts 6. Clean Sheets 7. Thighs 8. Big Dick 9. Heavy Bosom 10. Merry Cherry THEY'RE OFF! Conscience is left behind at the gate. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught by Thighs and Big Dick is in a dangerous spot! AT THE HALF: It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick. AT THE STRETCH: Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Dick is making a final drive. Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming. AT THE FINISH: It's Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final thrust and wins by a head. Bare Belly shows, Thighs weakens, Heavy Bosom pulls up, And Clean Sheets never had a chance

Mary had a little lamb Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, between two chunks of bread. Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, her clothes all tattered and torn. It wasn't the spider that crept beside her, But Little Boy Blue and his horn. Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings horses and all the kings men, said "F*ck him, He's only an egg. Georgie Porgy pudding and pie. Kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play, He kissed them too, cause he was gay. Jack and Jill Went up the hill to have some hanky panky. Silly Jill forgot her pill And now there's little Franky. Old Mother Hubbard Went to the cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone. When she bent over Rover took over, And gave her a bone of his own. Little Boy Blew. Hey. He needed the money. Mary had a little skirt with splits right up the sides and every time that Mary walked the boys could see her thighs Mary had another skirt twas split right up the front and every time that Mary walked the boys could see her ...... (but she didn't wear that one very often)

1. How tall are you barefoot? 6’1” 2. What color are your eyes? Blue 3. Do you own a gun? YEP! And I ain’t scared to use them! 4. If you had a mental disorder, what would it be? If? WHAT DO YOU MEAN if? I’m a man! Remote Control-itus! 5. How many letters are in your crush's first name? 6-Orange CRUSH!! 6. What do you think of hot dogs? Make mine a steak! 7. What's your favorite Christmas song? Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer! (Or Carol of the Bells if you don’t want funny) 8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Coffee, Mt Dew-anything with CAFFIENE 9. Do you do push ups? Part of life’s ups and downs 10. Have you ever done ecstasy?. Hell NO! 11. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?... nope 12. Do you like the rain? ... yes... I like the rain 13. Are you sweet? Naw-I am a grumpy old man! 14. On a scale of 1 to 10 (ten being the best) what do you rate yourself? A Four (4). I am a man! 15. Do you have A.D.D? Huh? Somebody say something? 16. full initials? K.L.P. 17. Name 5 thoughts at this exact moment. (1) Can I ever understand women? (2) What’s on LENO? (3) Why am I up in the middle of the night doing this? (4) Damn it was hot today! (5) Did I win the lottery? 18. Name the last 3 things you have bought in the past week? Parts for my Harley, tater tots, gasoline 20. What time did you wake up today? 8:00 a.m. 21. Can you spell? Spell what? I do have a dictionary 22. Current worry? The safety of our troops overseas! 23. Current hate? Pedophiles! 24. Favorite place to be? Anyplace there is freedom! 25. Least favorite place to be? Duh! Wherever there isn’t freedom 26. Where would you like to go? One of Hugh Hefners parties 27. Do you own slippers? No 28. Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs? Either here or in a grave. 29. Do you burn or tan? I burn! What do you expect from a redhead. 30. Yellow or blue? Blue 31. Would you be a pirate? Aye matey! Pass me the rum and a cup of grog for the whole crew! We are sailing into port on the morrow, and I want all hands to unload the plunder! 32. Last time your phone rang? 3 days ago (My mom checking if I am still alive) 33. What song do you sing in the shower? Raindrops keep falling on my head! (Actually, I don’t sing at all-EVER) 34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child? That I would be kidnapped and used by a large group of nymphomaniacs (OK it was a dream) 35. What's in your pockets right now? Billfold, keys, pictures of grandkids 36. Last thing that made you laugh? My dogs 37. Best bed sheets you had as a child? .Dry ones? When I was in the Army, I had G.I.Joe bedsheets. 38. Worst injury you've ever had? Roadside bomb, Nov 2005, Baghdad Iraq 40. How many TVs do you have in your house? Four 43. Does someone have a crush on you? I DON`T KNOW!? 44. Do you wish on stars? YES-Nicole Kidman, Stevie Nicks, Reba. Oh-I thought it said do I wish for stars! 45. what is your favorite book? The Bible 46. What song did you last hear? "?" 47. When were you last kissed? (I don't kiss & tell!) 48. What is your favorite cereal? Cheerios 49. What were you doing at midnight last night? Watching Jay Leno 50. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up? Is there any coffee?