PopPop's blog: "Funnies and other stuff"

'Twas the night before Christmas in my redneck house; Junior was wringing the neck of a mouse. My .357 sat right on my lap Just waiting for Santa, to take all his crap. The young'uns were restless and watching in shifts To see if he'd come and I'd shanghai some gifts, When out from the yard came a godawful noise O could it be him with a shitload of toys? I jumped from my chair and my crotch screamed in pain I caught my left nut on my wallet's big chain But then I unwrapped it and flew out the door Yelling, "Hold it right there, you old son of a whore!" "Hands in the air and kick over that sack, And then real slowly move 20 feet back." He did as I told him, fat, stupid old elf; I laughed so damn hard I near pissed on myself. I grabbed his big bag with a hearty guffaw Then I dragged it inside after spitting some chaw. I heard him take off - in a second he split, Leaving my yard heaped with fresh reindeer shit. Back in my chair I let out such a yelp That the wife and the kids came to offer their help, Their eyes filled with wonder - I started to drag A whole shitload of presents from Santa's big bag. I big can of crawdads for when I go fishin' A whopping belt buckle - a brand new transmission, A carton of Redman, some boots and a knife, A nice leather strap just for beating the wife. A matched set of hubcaps, some new fuzzy dice, A country 8-track and a Hustler, how nice! An inflatable dollie for when the old hag Starts her bitching and moaning and goes on the rag. When out of the bag I had pulled every bit I said "Looks like you kids won't be getting no shit." Here was my chance to try out my new strap When they started their bawling and screaming and crap. I chased them upstairs and I popped me a brew, I sat back in my chair, filled my mouth up with chew, With my heart full of gladness, my soul full of cheer, I yelled up, "Maybe you'll get some presents next year!"

1. The Garden of Eden was in Iraq. 2. Mesopotamia, which is now Iraq, was the cradle of civilization! 3. Noah built the ark in Iraq. 4. The Tower of Babel was in Iraq 5. Abraham was from Ur, which is in Southern Iraq ! 6. Isaac's wife Rebekah is from Nahor, which is in Iraq! 7. Jacob met Rachel in Iraq. 8. Jonah preached in Nineveh - which is in Iraq. 9. Assyria, which is in Iraq, conquered the ten tribes of Israel. 10. Amos cried out in Iraq! 11. Babylon, which is in Iraq, destroyed Jerusalem . 12. Daniel was! in the lion's den in Iraq! 13. The three Hebrew children were in the fire in Iraq (Jesus had been in Iraq also as the fourth person in the Fiery furnace!) 14. Belshazzar, the King of Babylon saw the "writing on the wall" in Iraq. 15. Nebuchadnezzar, King of Babylon, carried the Jews captive into Iraq. 16. Ezekiel preached in I raq. 17. The wise men were from Iraq 18. Peter preached in Iraq. 19. The "Empire of Man" described in Revelation is called Babylon, which was a city in Iraq! And you have probably seen this one. Israel is the nation most often mentioned in the Bible. But do you know which nation is second? It is Iraq! However, that is not the name that is used in the Bible The names used in the Bible are Babylon , Land of Shinar, and Mesopotamia . The word Mesopotamia means between the two rivers, more exactly between the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers The name Iraq, means country with deep roots. Indeed Iraq is a country with deep roots and is a very significant country in the Bible. No other nation, except Israel, has more history and prophecy associated it than Iraq. And also, This is something to think about! Since America is typically represented by an eagle. Saddam should have read up on his Muslim passages... The following verse is from the Koran, (the Islamic Bible) Koran (9:11 ) - For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah; and there was peace. (Note the verse number!) Hmmmmmmm?!

I have grand-puppies! My neighbors German Shepard (we have joint custody of the dog) had puppies! Get this-eleven (11) of them! 7 girls and 4 boys! I ended up with joint custody when Sissy (the female dog) went into 'heat' and we bred her with my German Shepard. It seems she likes it at my house more than at her own, so she is normally found here constatnly. Either way, about 1.30 pm I got another holiday surprise. Finally! I thought she was gonna try and hold them pups in till Christmas. My cat had her kittens on Mothers Day this year, and a few Christmas' ago is when I received a drop-off Irish Setter-some fool took him out into the country where I live, and dropped him off-completely housebroke, neutered, and a wonderful dog. So I am now at 5 dogs, 3 cats, and 11 puppies! Ain't life wonderful!!!

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented. Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story is....... (Yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!) When you're Hung like a Horse, You Don't Need A Harley to Pick Up Chicks!!!

WARNING! Before reading any further, make sure bladder has been emptied (to prevent accidents) and have a kleenex handy (to wipe your eyes) A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors. His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband. While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet. After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched. As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, losing control of the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

Day 1. Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried. Day 2. Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed. Day 3. This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears. Day 4. A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his problem. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood. Day 5. What absolute bliss!!. Day 6. Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that. Day 7. This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, I have to admit it's very nice - I think I've never been so happy. Day 8. I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there. Day 9. No time to write. He might catch me. Day 10. Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with whip cream and whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over.... Day 11. I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig. Day 12. I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous ... Day 13. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk! and if he tries that "Oops,sorry", thing again, I'll kill the bastard. Day 14. I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me. Day 15. I think I'll have to kill him. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and f...himself and he did. Day 16. The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac. Day 17. Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again! Day 18. He's back on Prozac. The lazy SOB just sits there in front of the television all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TEXAS CHILI COOK OFF These are notes from an inexperienced chili tester named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.” Here are the scorecards from the event: CHILI #1: MIKE’S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy. CHILI #2: ARTHUR’S AFTERBURNER CHILI JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I am suppose to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. CHILI #3: FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. FRANK: Call EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now…get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all the beer. CHILI #4: BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I’m eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac? CHILI #5: LINDA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks! CHILI #6: VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! CHILI #7: SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing; it’s too painful. Screw it. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. CHILI #8: LESTER’S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER’S CHILI JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend of chili, safe for all, not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot chili?

Case of the Pregnant Lady ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned." "Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile." "Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself." "BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it." "CASE DISMISSED!!"

Grandma's birth control pills The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you know these are BIRTH CONTROL pills? "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks and believe me, it helps me sleep at night." You gotta love Grandmas !!

This morning on I-35, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new ACURA doing 75 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Oscar and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. Damn women drivers