Ever get that feeling that nothing you do is ever right or that the whole world is plotting against ur very existance? Yup thats me. I know wut I want and I've been after it, well him forever...it just never ends there is always something standing in the way. Weather it be sum1 or my own goddamn stupidity always something. Every time I get close to being able to prove myself n my love to him n his family sumthin gets sed and taken the wrong way or sumthin happens and everything gets ripped away. Its been 2 steps forward and 20 steps back. I just want to prove myself and my feelings. Throughout this whole ordeal I have grown up alot and let go of the immature jealousy and the immature little kid fits that I used to throw I have tried to prove that I've grown up at least a little and I am ready for a serious mature relationship and its not enuf I guess. I don't know wut to do. I'd give just about anything or do anything I had to just to make them see that the mistakes that I made were nothing but mistakes that I have learned from and never plan to do again I just don't know wut else I can do. I'm ready and tryin to prove myself but never get the chance. I love this man with all of my heart never felt this way before and the loss of him and any connection to him is a near fatal blow. It hurts worse with every second that goes by or breath that I take. I am trying SO hard and it seems that I am getting nowhere....I'm closer to where I started....january 18th 2006 yeah i remember. IT HURTS!! AHH I'm frustrated with myself and blame no1 but myself because I can't see where I keep fuckin up!!!!!!! My intentions are exactly wut I sed....to prove my love to him and his family....cuz that (love) is honestly (may God strike me dead right and now if its not) all I have for them...all of them. I just don't know wut else do to.....
