Fatal Passion's blog: "Favorite Things written by Other People"

Ever wanted to become a trashy internet cam whore, but you just don't know how? Tired of earning money for things the honest way? If you're shameless and conceited enough, then the exciting world of online prostitution may be for you. It's hard at first, but don't get discouraged. Being a cranky bitch and undressing yourself in front of a cam for middle-aged men isn't as easy as it seems, so here are five simple rules to keep in mind when becoming an internet cam whore: 1. Never smile. Smiling gets you nowhere. Guys totally dig ornery chicks who wallow in self-pity. Be sure to give yourself a clever moniker like "SEX_GODDESS" or bring out the real cock tease inside you by naming yourself "2_HOT_4_U." It's very important to mope and look depressed because people don't like talking to other people in a good mood. Depressed losers are cool and totally original, don't hold back! One other subtle point: never use proper grammar or punctuation. Why type "you're" when you can type "ur"? Being coherent is overrated. 2. Write bad poetry, and lots of it. Writing bad poetry is easy when you disregard meter, pace, and rhyming scheme. Just make sure to follow a few simple guidelines: 1. Never write about anything cheerful. Remember, you are a tortured artist. Be one. 2. Be sure to use the following words at least once per sentence, no fewer than 50 times per poem: lament, loathe, soul, darkness, bitter, agony, despair, misery, anguish, pain, suffer, woe, hate, death, love, sultry, angel, rose, acrid and nihilism. Nihilism is a good one because it comes up all the time in normal conversations. It's easy, here's a sample to get you started: fire... burning... agony... sultry shivers of a dark essence why am i tortured with this nihilistic existence? bitter... darkness... despair. notice the constant lower case? i added that touch to be unique. unique people type in lower case. 3. Turn up the brightness and contrast to hide blemishes in your complexion. Are you worried that you're not cut out to be a cam whore because you look like a stretched out sack of shit? No problem, just turn up the brightness and contrast to hide your skin blemishes! Zits, black heads, and scars instantly vanish when you convince yourself that you're not a pimply-faced salad dodger by manipulating your image. Don't worry about integrity, this is the internet, anything goes. 4. Wear stupid trendy box-framed "EMO" glasses. No pseudo-intellectual is complete without a pair of ultra-hip "EMO" glasses. Just put them on and let the smart vibes flow. A mere glance and people will be able to tell that you're the type of person who reads Dostoevsky. You won't be mistaken for anything short of an astro-physicist, or a theoretical physicist of some sort. All physicists go to stupid raves, bleach their hair, and listen to angst-filled punk music because they don't want to seem uncool in front of the other scientists. If you want to go the extra mile and really seal the deal, wear plugs in your ear lobes so you have giant nasty sagging flaps of skin hanging off of your head. It'll look great when you pull your head out of your ass and go to a job interview some day. Then again, you're EMO; you don't need a job. You're totally unique, and all unique people wear box-framed nerd glasses. Even though real nerds wear glasses like these, they're not cool because they wear their glasses out of necessity. 5. Make a wishlist and sell yourself for it. Now comes the pay off for all your hard work. Every cam whore needs to make a wishlist. A wishlist is a list of items that you want, usually from a website such as Amazon, but unlike people who have to work for the things they buy, you want to sit around being a fat lazy bitch and still get the things you want without having to work for it. Here's a simple formula to keep in mind: YOU + WEBCAM - CLOTHES - DIGNITY = $$$ Don't let your dignity get in the way of your online prostitution. It will seem hard at first to exploit fat, lonely losers who jerk off to pre-teen skanks, but it gets easier every time. Just keep telling yourself that you're only going to do this temporarily, and that you're going to eventually go back to community college to finish up your associates degree in liberal arts. Hint: always dress your best and wear makeup for your online audience. Sure, other people may tell you that you're a pathetic pig, and that what you're doing is tantamount to prostitution, but they're just jealous because total strangers aren't buying them anything. Nevermind the fact that they have a job and earn their material excess without exploiting losers, or that the men watching you could be stalkers or rapists. Don't get caught up in details! Have fun, it's your life and it's your body: cheapen it! That's it, those are the simple rules to becoming an obnoxious internet cam whore. It may seem like a lot of work at first, but keep it up and you'll be sitting back and spreading your legs for books and CDs before you know it. ** the contents of this page were not written by me, they are © 2003 by Maddox

A mother held her new baby and very slowly rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she held him, she sang: I'll love you forever I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living My baby you'll be. The baby grew. He grew and he grew and he grew. He grew until he was two years old, and he ran all around the house. He pulled all the books off the shelves. He pulled all the food out of the refrigerator and he took his mother's watch and flushed it down the toilet. Sometimes his mother would say, "This kid is driving me CRAZY!" But at night time, when that two-year-old was quiet, she opened the door to his room, crawled across the floor, looked up over the side of his bed; and if he was really asleep she picked him up and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. While she rocked him she sang: I'll love you forever I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living My baby you'll be. The little boy grew. He grew and he grew and he grew. he grew until he was nine years old. And he never wanted to come in for dinner, he never wanted to take a bath, and when grandma visited he always said bad words. Sometimes his mother wanted to sell him to the zoo! But at night time, when he was asleep, the mother quietly opened the door to his room, crawled across the floor and looked up over the side of the bed. If he was really asleep, she picked up that nine-year-old boy and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she rocked him she sang: I'll love you forever I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living My baby you'll be. The boy grew. he grew and he grew and he grew. He grew until he was a teenager. He had strange friends and he wore strange clothes and he listened to strange music. Sometimes the mother felt like she was in a zoo! But at night time, when that teenager was asleep, the mother opened the door to his room, crawled across the floor and looked up over the side of the bed. If he was really asleep she picked up that great big boy and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. While she rocked him she sang: I'll love you forever I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living My baby you'll be. That teenager grew. He grew and he grew and he grew. He grew until he was a grown-up man. He left home and got a house across town. But sometimes on dark nights the mother got into her car and drove across town. If all the lights in her son's house were out, she opened his bedroom window, crawled across the floor, and looked up over the side of his bed. If that great big man was really asleep she picked him up and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she rocked him she sang: I'll love you forever I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living My baby you'll be. Well, that mother, she got older. She got older and older and older. One day she called up her son and said, "You better come see because I'm very old and sick." So her son came to see her. When he came in the door she tried to sing the song. She sang: I'll love you forever I'll like you for always.... But she couldn't finish because she was too old and sick. The son went to his mother. He picked her up and rocked her back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And he sang this song: I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living My Mommy you'll be. When the son came home that night, he stood for a long time at the top of the stairs. Then he went into the room where his very new baby daughter was sleeping. He picked her up in his arms and very slowly rocked her back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while he rocked her he sang: I'll love you forever I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living My baby you'll be. by Robert Munsch