Inky's blog: "Need To Knows"

 

When Chuck Norris' remote control batteries die, the remote continues to function out of pure terror.

 

Chuck Norris was originally cast as John Morgan in the movie "A Man Called Horse". Richard Harris only got the role once it was discovered that no blade could penetrate Chuck Norris' chest.

 

That giant crater in Australia was formed when Chuck Norris' parachute didn't open. After impact, Chuck Norris promptly dusted off his flannel shirt and jeans and walked across the Pacific Ocean to Los Angeles.

 

For every answer on the SAT test, write in "Chuck Norris". You will automatically score a 1600.

 

Chuck Norris is the sound of one hand clapping.

 

Chuck Norris has never been beaten. The only reason people stopped worshipping the old gods was that it became apparent that Chuck Norris would easily defeat the forces of chaos at the Ragnarok, so there was little point in worrying about it ourselves.

 

Chuck Norris once hit a little-known actor named Bart Eubanks so hard that he's still swollen and black and blue from head to toe to this very day; this man is now known as Mr. T.

 

Chuck Norris once kicked his training bag so hard that the shockwave traveled halfway around the world; this is what made George Bush vomit in the lap of a Japanese politician.

 

Global warming isn't caused by human emissions; Chuck Norris simply scares ozone.

 

The only reason there's a Gulf of Mexico is that Chuck Norris wanted beachfront property for his ranch in Texas. The moment he decided this, a quarter of the continent sunk to avoid a roundhouse kick.

 

There is no such thing as a tornado, Chuck Norris just really hates trailer parks.

 

Chuck Norris shot Liberty Valence. After he roundhouse kicked him.

 

The Titanic sank when it struck Chuck Norris doing laps in the North Atlantic. Chuck Norris would have stopped to save the survivors but he didn't notice the impact.

 

Chuck Norris once tried to use Occam's Razor. The universe imploded, but Norris' beard was untouched.

 

Chuck Norris can eat only one Lays potato chip.

 

Chuck Norris once got a flat tire on the New Jersey Turnpike. That's why he made the rest of the country hate New Jersey. They've been collecting tolls ever since in hopes of raising enough payoff money in case it ever happens again.

 

Once, a NASCAR engine builder used Chuck Norris' chest hairs instead of titanium valve lifter springs. His car won, of course.

 

Chuck Norris looked into a mirror and saw the only thing that could ever frighten him. He then roundhouse kicked his image so hard that the mirror got all sticky like in the Matrix or that video from the 80s when you find out the mirror is really water. Because of the obvious result of disproving both Goedel's Incompleteness Theorem and String Theory. David Hasselhoff emerged from the pieces of mirror, much like what happened to Ash when he went back in time, only much cooler.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't have a bad memory. Anything he forgets never happened.

 

When Chuck Yeager broke the sound barrier, he saw Chuck Norris sitting in a LA-Z Boy on the other side.

 

Chuck Norris breaks EPA regulations on greenhouse gas emissions every time he exhales.

 

Chuck Norris knows how many angels can dance on the head of a pin. One time, a man tricked Chuck Norris into divulging this secret. That man's name was James Hoffa.

 

In Hollywood, they once tried to get impressions of Chuck Norris' fists in cement. The result is called the San Andreas Fault.

 

Chuck Norris talks about Fight Club.

 

Chuck Norris was crossing the road one day and invented the short bus.

 

Upon the explosion of the Exxon-Valdez oil tanker in 1989, President Bush asked Chuck Norris to assist in the cleanup. Upon this, Chuck Norris drank the oil. He then took an Eskimo as his bride. This is where Yeti come from.

 

There is no Santa Claus. Actually, on Christmas Eve, Chuck Norris circumnavigates the globe in his pickup truck dispensing gifts to good children and roundhouse kicks to bad ones. The children, upon receiving these kicks, die.

 

An indestructible element has been discovered and added to the periodic table of elements. Norrisite. And just out of spite, Chuck Norris roundhoused kicked it, compressing it into a higher quantum state. It's there, or not there, or there AND not there.

 

Chuck Norris Federal Credit Union (CNFCU) has no collections department. The dumbest man alive isn't dumb enough to default on a payment to CNFCU.

 

In 1942, Chuck Norris was an experimental rocket-plane test pilot. His first flight lost control at forty-two thousand feet and crashed. Emergency response personnel were greeted by a roundhouse kick to the face through the smoke. One man's helmet flew off and achieved orbit. The Soviet Union named it Sputnik.

 

Chuck Norris holds the world record for the most honorary college degrees, he has every degree for every college worldwide. Not that he wants them, but they were given on the off chance that he might.

 

On June 30, 1908, Chuck Norris was sampling some spicy native cuisine in northern Siberia. It's a fact. Google the "Tunguska Event".

 

It's a little known, but well documented fact that on Mount Rushmore, over 50% of George Washington's face is in fact spray painted bondo. Someone made the mistake of betting Chuck Norris that he couldn't eat rocks, and he proved him really, really wrong.

 

Chuck Norris was once stopped at a military checkpoint in western Russia. Moments later Soviet Russia collapsed and the cold war ended. You do not stop Chuck Norris on a beer run. Ever.

 

Chuck Norris's hands and feet are NOT registered deadly weapons. No man lives who can make him register. And you don't register the obvious.

 

Chuck Norris only missed with a roundhouse kick once. It was the end of the land known as Pangea.

 

Continents only drift to get away from Chuck Norris.

 

Hannibal didn't sack Rome. Chuck Norris did.

 

The moment Chuck Norris stops visualizing the universe, it will cease to exist.

 

The Arms Race only began after Chuck Norris was born.

 

L. Ron Hubbard founded Scientology only after being roundhoused in the head by Chuck Norris.

 

Some people whitewash fences. Chuck Norris just walks by.

 

It's a scientific fact that all vehicles experience 300% better gas mileage when driving AWAY from Chuck Norris.

 

The Earth's rotation was as an equal-but-opposite reaction to Chuck Norris's first kick.

 

When Chuck Norris flexes a muscle, the displaced air forms a shockwave loud enough to deafen anyone standing within seven feet.

 

Chuck Norris is living proof that boots AREN'T made for walkin'. They're made for kickin'.

 

The Gideons are so scared of Chuck Norris, they started putting his autobiography, "Against All Odds", in hotel rooms.

 

When Chuck Norris thinks happy thoughts, even B.B. King stops singing the blues.

 

Chuck Norris drinks a gallon of milk and eats a teaspoon of cinnamon and 50 eggs everyday, just for fun.

 

Chuck Norris knows where the beef is.

 

Chuck Norris knows what Willis is talkin' about.

 

Chuck Norris created a circle with corners.

 

When God kicked Adam and Eve out of the Garden, Chuck Norris stayed because God was too afraid to ask him to leave.

 

Chuck Norris is both Christian and Jewish. How does he do it? Karate.

 

Nothing escapes the gravitation pull of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris loves Police Academy 2. This is the only reason why Steve Guttenberg is still alive.

 

Chuck Norris does not recycle because Chuck Norris wastes nothing.

 

Chuck Norris knows what rhymes with orange.

 

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? 17.

 

Chuck Norris is against human cloning simply because two of him would unravel the fabric of the universe.

 

Chuck Norris can listen to Vogon poetry.

 

Chuck Norris will not "be right back after these messages." He'll be back when he's good and ready. And you will be grateful for it. If you turn the channel, be prepared to face the wrath of Chuck.

 

The Mississippi River was carved out of the earth by the tears of the widows of Chuck Norris' victims.

 

Chuck Norris knows what's in the secret blend of 11 herbs and spices, after all he's 5 of them.

 

A lot of people think it was a dragon that killed Beowulf. But it was actually Chuck Norris.

 

HeisenbergÕs principle of uncertainty stipulates that the more precisely karate is determined, the less precisely the momentum of karate chops is known in this instant, and vice versa.

 

Chuck Norris does not eat legumes of any kind. The resultant flatulence would kill every living thing in the western hemisphere.

 

When Chuck Norris is around Weebles fall down.

 

Chuck Norris knows that critically interacting components self-organize to form potentially evolving structures exhibiting a hierarchy of emergent system properties.

 

Chuck Norris' summer home is the Fire Swamp.

 

William Wallace: Sons of Scotland! I am William Wallace.

Second Soldier: William Wallace is seven feet tall!

William Wallace: Yes, I've heard. Kills men by the hundreds. And if HE were here, he'd consume the English with fireballs from his eyes, and bolts of lightning from his arse.

Second Soldier: No, dumbass. That's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris: You're damn right.

(he roundhouse kicks the English army, and frees Scotland and the universe is great forever)

 

Chuck Norris is more certain than death or taxes.

 

Chuck Norris seeing his own shadow = six more weeks of roundhouse kicks.

 

Chuck Norris's autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?" was originally over 75,000,000 pages long. Chuck Norris killed the editor for cutting it down even though he agreed with all the changes.

 

Chuck Norris can yell "Fire!" in a crowded movie theater. It's a little known provision of the First Amendment.

 

Bigfoot didn't believe in Chuck Norris. That was his first mistake.

 

Chuck decided to find out what happens when an unstoppable force meets an unmovable object. He roundhouse kicked his beard and the universe simply blinked out of existence.

 

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

 

With a fist full of lava, Chuck Norris forged the one ring.

 

Bo, in fact, does NOT know Chuck Norris.

 

It only takes Chuck Norris one roundhouse kick to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll flavored Tootsie Pop.

 

Chuck Norris is capable of delivering a roundhouse kick over standard TCP/IP.

 

Telemarketers do not call Chuck Norris attempting to sell a product. They call asking for forgiveness.

 

The largest prime number is Chuck Norris' boot size.

 

It has been found that the Ebola virus actually originated from Chuck Norris' armpits. Said armpits being the only place dangerous enough to create such a terrible virus.

 

Chuck Norris = mass x acceleration

 

The greatest conquerors of all time, the Mongol Horde, swept across asia, defeating any who dared oppose them. They sacked all of Asia, pillaged eastern Europe, and bore down on western Europe, when they suddenly stopped and went home. What happened? Ghengis Khan heard a rumor that Chuck Norris might be having a drink at a nearby bar, and was afraid of disturbing him.

 

Chuck Norris was relaxing at the beach in Thailand in December, 2004 when he burped. The tidal waves that resulted killed around 300,000 people.

 

Chuck Norris has his cake and eats it too.

 

Chuck Norris was the first man to summit Mount Everest. When Irvine and his sherpa got there, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked them off the peak, and they were never heard from again.

 

The Bermuda Triangle is just the area near Chuck Norris's vacation home in Bermuda. When he practices his roundhouse kicks, nearby planes and boats crash, or fall through portals in time.

 

The 'Red Button' Ronald Reagan had installed in his presidential desk didn't launch nuclear weapons; it launched Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris was traveling through time when he came upon some Neanderthals. One of them looked at Chuck Norris funny, and now there are no more Neanderthals.

 

Woolly Mammoths went extinct after Chuck Norris realized their tusks were good for cleaning out his earwax.

 

Chuck Norris used to use saber-toothed tigers to clean the gunk out from under his fingernails... and now there are no more saber-toothed tigers.

 

They say the explosion of Krakatoa was heard 'round the world. Actually, that was the only time Chuck Norris ever tried doing a whip-kick. Ever since, he's always gone with roundhouse kicks, to avoid destroying the Earth by accident.

 

Back in the olden days, some poor lumberjacks asked Chuck Norris to help them cut down some trees in the Sahara Forest. A single roundhouse kick knocked them all down, and now it's the Sahara Desert.

 

The Chinese built the Great Wall of China to try and keep Chuck Norris out. Of course, it didn't work, and with a single karate chop, Chuck Norris reduced all their wooden houses into little sticks. To this day, Chinese people eat with 'chop sticks' so they'll always remember the price of irritating Chuck Norris.

 

Nobody can find the Loch Ness Monster, because a while ago, Chuck Norris was feeling a bit hungry and ate it. While he was hanging around in Scotland, he visited some of the locals... back then, they all wore pinstriped suits. One of them looked at Chuck Norris funny, and he roundhouse kicked them so hard all their pinstripes turned to plaid. As he was leaving, Chuck Norris spit into a bucket and that was the very first Scotch whisky.

 

Texas is called "The Lone Star State" because Texans know that compared to Chuck Norris, their other celebrities just don't measure up.

 

Scientists collected a single drop of sweat from Chuck Norris' leg after he performed a roundhouse kick. The resulting serum turned out to be the Polio vaccine.

 

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen San Diego.

 

Chuck Norris' digestive system also functions as an oil refinery.

 

The gallons contained in Chuck Norris' hat rivals infinity.

 

Chuck Norris' beard is the modern day equivalent of chain mail.

 

Chuck Norris can grind metal with his stubble.

 

Chuck Norris set up us the bomb.