BLOKA's blog: "Ever Wonder??????????????"

  
A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blonde haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you walking around like this?"

The cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff .....



I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.



We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.. So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts... So I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, '"Now go to town cowboy..."'

And here I am."

Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife... A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest...
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer stun gun.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd
get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the
prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no
possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ....


I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ....

HOLY MOTHER OF.. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ......!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging
to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three
second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above
my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my
testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift
and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

1: Why the sun lightens our hair,but darkens our skin?

2: Why women can't put mascara on with their mouths closed?

3: Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

4: Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

5: Why do you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows?

6: Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour,while dishwashing liquid is made from real lemons?

7: Why doctors call what they do "practice"?

8: Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

9: Why there isn't mouse flavoured cat food?

10: Who tastes pet food when it has a "new improved" flavour?

11: Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

12: Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

13: Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?

14: Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

15: Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

16: If con is the opposite of pro,is Congress the opposite of progress?

17: Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

18: In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity,her are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

A: on a Sears hairdryer; Do not use while sleeping.(and that's the only time you can work on your hair)?

B: On a bag of Fritos; You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.details inside.(the shoplifter special)?

C: On the bar of Dial soap;"Directions;use like regular soap." (and that would be how)?

D: On some frozen dinners;"Serving suggestion;Defrost" (but,it's just a suggestion).

E: On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding;" Product will be hot after heating" (...and you thought?????...)

F: On packaging for a Rowenta Steam Iron; "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save time?)

G: On Boot's Children Cough Medicine;"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of  construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.) hmmm...

H: On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning; May cause drowsiness" (and...I'm taking this because????)

I: On most brand of Christmas Lights; "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to... what?)

J: On a Japanese food processor;"Not to be used for the other use." (Now..Can someone out there help me on this??? I'm a bit curious...)

K: On Sunsbury's Peanuts; "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

L: On American Airlines packet of nuts; "Instructions: open packet,eat nuts...step 3: maybe,..uh..fly Delta?)

M: On a Swedish chainsaw; "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere???)