God, I hate it.
I hate being frustrated and pissed off all the time. I'm quiet, short and to the point, at work. My coworkers keep asking me if i'm all right. One of my supervisors told me today that she thought that i was always so short because of my 90 day review, which showed some things wanting. I assured her that wasn't the case, that i was working on what was needed to improve my next review.
but that's not why i was so withdrawn today.
i ended up telling rachele about the "arrangement" that my mother and i have...neither of us (meaning my mother and i) trust me with my own money. and well...i think whatever regard she may have had for me slipped a couple notches. i've only 3 really good friends, and this woman is the only person that i want to be with at this point.
The truth is overrated. Reality as a way of life is overrated. There's times when telling the truth is ultimately worse than telling a lie, because when you lie, it's not as complicated, or fucking painful.
'tell me a secret' her status says. You want to know the deepest secret of all between us, Rach?
I think i love you and you'll never know it.
In my isolation from the world (aka the Internet), she's the only one who texted me. True, i started the texting...but she wrote back. She's the only one, out of all the friends that I have the numbers of, that i would ever want to text. And now because of that, she thinks i'm a total loser.
It's probably a good thing that she doesn't reed these blogs...because she'd probably think i'm weird, a freak and never speak to me again.
Oh yeah, she isn't speaking to me right now anyway...because i'm a loser obviously. Nothing along those lines were said, but she's a smart girl. And besides...we're both adults (well she is...physically and chronologically, yeah i am too....mentally...i don't fucking know). i just wish i could do something awesome, have something good go right in my life for once, instead of stalling on my own life.
I wish (oh here we go) that it could be that something good and big goes down, and i can be there. That I could do something worthwhile, instead of just sitting around, wasting my life on a hope and a dream.
Yeah, that's what they'll carve on my fuckin headstone: "I Wish"
Just come on...one good thing in my life, that lasts. That one good thing would come with the name of Rachele. A good chance with her would be all i ask for. Selfish, but she's one of the three best friends i have.