Seaviper's blog: "Darwin Awards"

2007 Darwin Award Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin "What goes up must come down." (20 June 2007, South Carolina) An hour before sunrise, a 21 year-old couple was found naked in the road by a passing cabbie. The unconscious, injured pair was taken to the nearest hospital where, despite treatment, they died without regaining consciousness. Authorities were at a loss to explain what had happened. There were no witnesses, no trace of clothing, and no wrecked cars or motorcycles. Investigators eventually found a clue high on the roof of a nearby building: two sets of neatly folded clothes, and nothing else. There was no indication of foul play, only of foreplay. "It appears as if the two individuals have accidentally fallen off the roof," Sgt. Florence McCants said. Safe sex takes on a whole new meaning when you are perched on the edge of a pyramid-shaped metal roof! This is a true Darwin Award trifecta: TWO people die, WHILE in the act of procreation, due to an ASTONISHINGLY poor decision. Bottom line: If you put yourself in a precarious "position" at the edge of the roof, you may well find yourself coming and going at the same time. Ironically, one of the deceased was named, "Tumbleston."

2007 Darwin Award Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin (19 August 2007, Serbia) It's well known that alcohol impairs judgement. It's well known that carnivorous wild animals and humans don't mix well. What happens when we combine all three? One might expect a concoction of men, bears, and beer to have lethal consequences. Such was the case for a 23-year old man who inadvertently fed himself to Masha and Misha at the Belgrade Zoo. The Zoo director said of the incident, "Only an idiot would jump into the bear cage." The man's naked, mauled corpse was found inside the bear habitat, along with several mobile phones, bricks and stones, and plenty of beer cans. His clothes were completely undamaged, suggesting that he approached the bears naked. They may have feared that his intentions were not honorable. Certainly, his intentions were ill-informed. Masha and Misha "reacted angrily" when keepers tried to recover the man's corpse, but were eventually persuaded to give up their tasty prize. We await word on how many beers were bartered for the body.

Oil Tank Trampoline 2007 Darwin Award Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin (24 June 2007, Colorado) If you get "Footloose" and cut the rug on on an oil tank, be sure not to light a cigarette (or bong of weed) else you may soon be walking up the proverbial "Stairway to Heaven". News reports say a crude oil storage tank exploded as two teens were jumping on it, hurling the youths to their deaths. The tank, owned by Pinnacle Oil Company, exploded during a party in Routt National Forest. The victims were identified as Samuel and Christopher, 17 and 19. After smoking marijuana and liquoring themselves up at this "popular party spot," the "Footloose" teens decided that it would be fun to leap and cavort upon a mostly-empty oil tank. Their energetic "Saturday Night Fever" gyrations caused fumes to leak from the relief valve... "There were several ignitions sources," according to Rio Blanco County Undersheriff Michael Joos. One teenager was smoking, and there was a bonfire nearby. One or another of these "ignition sources" sparked a flashdance that sent the two teens hurtling 150 yards away from the explosion. So let's go over the Check Points, aka The Rules: 1. Reproduction: at 17 and 19, they weren't married, nor had they reproduced, nor can they now reproduce. Check! 2. Excellence: They thought it was wise to jump up and down on an oil tank containing 160 barrels of crude oil, while stoned out of their gourds. Check! 3. Self Selection: These two were stoned insensible, and drunker then the town drunk, while dancing on a oil tank exuding flammable vapors. And there's a campfire nearby. Check! 4. Maturity: At 17 and 19, both are over the minimum age of 16. Check! 5. Veracity: MSNBC.com and AP. Big check. In the end, this was definitely a "Footloose" dance that turned into a "Flash*BOOM*Dance!

25 April 2001, New York) "Why don't you come back and meet me here?" He thought she was calling to arrange a hot date, but he was wrong. The 29-year-old rapist had not only assaulted his victim, but also stolen $70 and her cell phone after poking her in the neck with a pair of tweezers he took from her purse.. As soon as he left her apartment she summoned help, and police encouraged her to assist in the capture of the rapist. Under their watchful eye, she called him on her own cell phone and courageously coaxed him back to her building. The woman was an excellent actress. Her attacker arrived for his "date" an hour later with a 40-ounce bottle of Heineken in his hand and her panties and cell phone tucked in his pocket. Police took the man, trailing a long criminal record, into custody. His victim really did a number on him!

(1 August 1999, California) 22-year-old Myner broke into a Los Angeles home at 3AM on Sunday, only to be confronted by the homeowner, an armed police officer, who fired when he saw the glint of a weapon in the intruder's hand. Myner realized he was in trouble and attempted to flee the scene, but succeeded only in stumbling painfully into a bed of cactus, where he lost his knife. After freeing himself from the prickly plants, he headed over the fence, a decorative wrought-iron barrier that speared him cruelly in the groin as he hurtled over to the sidewalk. Despite these blunders, he managed to escape, but was apprehended later that morning when he sought treatment for his injuries at the Anaheim Memorial Hospital. Sgt. Joe Vargas summed up his adventures by saying, "It wasn't a good night."

(9 October 2000, Canada) A young man was brought into a Toronto hospital with an arrow in his brain. The police explained that the victim was with a friend at an archery range, and lost an expensive arrow by overshooting the target. The bowman searched the thicket behind the target, but couldn't find his arrow. So he called out to his friend, "Hey shoot another one," thinking it would help him locate the original. The friend complied, and the arrow flew true, striking the victim between the eyeballs and piercing his brain case. He is in intensive care and hemiplegic, with survival uncertain.

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. RULES FOR BANK ROBBERS: According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. For instance it is reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76% of bank robbers use no disguise, 86% never study the bank before robbing it, and 95% make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, this advice is offered to would-be bank robbers: Consider another line of work. A man walked into a Circle-K in Louisiana, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer was $15. Question: if someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed? AVweb, a weekly aviation news letter, reported that a bungling burglar broke into a Mooney aircraft at the Knox County, Ohio airport and removed its avionics system, including the Emergency Locating Transmitter or ELT. This device sends homing signals if the aircraft crashes. You can guess what happened next. The ham-handed crook jarred the ELT enough to activate it, and authorities had no trouble tracking the perpetrator to his lair. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two counterfeit $16 bills. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still wouldn't give him the money, so the robber called the police -- and was arrested. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking" stole a steamroller and led police on a 5mph chase, until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop. A guy wearing pantyhose on his face tried to rob a store in a mall. When the security came, he quickly grabbed a shopping bag and pretended to be shopping, forgetting that he was still wearing the pantyhose. He was captured, and his loot was returned to the store.

A husband in Los Angeles was deathly afraid of heights. Nevertheless, one day he found it necessary to climb onto his roof to adjust the TV antenna. His fear impelled him to take precautions against falling from the roof. He tied a sturdy rope around himself, and affixed the other end to the bumper of his car. Unfortunately, he neglected to inform his wife of his activities. She had just finished making a shopping list, and she got into the car and began to drive to the store. Her husband was pulled from the roof and dragged down the street before a startled neighbor alerted the wife to the fact that she had some extra cargo. The man was rushed to the hospital, where he spent many days recovering from broken ribs and severe lacerations. The story does not end there. To make amends, the contrite wife planned a little surprise party for her husband on the day of his return from the hospital. She invited several mutual friends over to enjoy the homecoming, most of them smokers. Since the wife and husband smoked too, they had several lighters around the house, and the wife decided to fill them before the guests arrived. To be safe, she took them all into the bathroom and filled them over the toilet. Have you guessed yet? The husband needed to use the bathroom immediately afterward. He sat on the toilet, picked up a magazine, and threw his cigarette into the toilet. Kaboom! now thats bac luck lmao

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS, President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story: On March 23,1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect, indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the descender was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned. "Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide." That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. The room on the ninth floor, whence the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus. When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. Thed old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded. The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus. Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide. Submitted by: Sandra

(March 2000, Idaho) A teenager who imitated a scene from the hit movie "American Pie" was severely burned when he tried to shag a hot apple pie. Dwight Emburger, 17, was rushed to the hospital with serious burns to his penis. He apparently could not quell his desire until the tasty pastry had cooled, and his reward was a penis badly scarred and scalded by the hot filling. A hospital spokesperson in Boise said, "This demonstrates that producers should consider the effects their films have on the idiot gene pool."