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Seaviper's blog: "lol"

created on 01/23/2008  |  http://fubar.com/lol/b181169

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Common Sense

> My parents told me about Mr. Common Sense early in my life and told me I would > do well to call on him when making decisions. It seems he was always around in > my early years but less and less as time passed by. Today I read his obituary. > Please join me in a moment of silence in remembrance, for Common Sense had > served us all so well for so many generations. > > Obituary > Common Sense > > Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been > with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth > records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as > having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the > rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was > my fault. > > Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than > you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in > charge). > > His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing > regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual > harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using > mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, > only worsened his condition. > > Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they > themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even > further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer > Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student, but could not inform the > parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. > > Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; > churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their > victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a > burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault. > > Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize > that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was > promptly awarded a huge settlement. > > Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, > Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by > three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a > Victim. > > Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still > remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing. > > Author Unknown
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And then the fight started..... *************************************************************** When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... so, I took her to a gas station..... and then the fight started.... ********************************************************************** After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me." and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too' And then the fight started..... ********************************************************************** My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked,"Do you know her?" 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since. 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started

lol

Police arrest man running on trail in thong LINCOLN, Neb.- Lincoln police have a message for local joggers with exhibitionist tendencies: The thong is wrong. Police arrested a man on Saturday night for running on a Lincoln bike trail in his thong underwear. Police say the 26-year-old man was arrested for indecent exposure. Officers said they found him running around Holmes Lake wearing his socks, shoes and, of course, the thong. Police: Argument over nickname ends in stabbing An argument over a nickname reportedly led Wichita police to a residence where they say a 44-year-old woman stabbed a 19-year-old with a butcher knife Friday. Sgt. Lem Moore said in a police briefing this afternoon that nine people were gathering in the 3000 block of Old Lawrence Road, when two young men began arguing who should be able to use the nickname "C-Thug." The woman, who was a resident of the house, intervened and stabbed the 19-year-old in the back, Moore said. The man was treated for minor injuries at Via Christi Regional Medical Center-St. Francis Campus. The woman was arrested

TWO GLASSES OF WINE

this is from my dad TWO GLASSES OF WINE > > When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours > in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 glasses > of wine... > > A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in > front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very > large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf > balls. > > He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it > was. > > The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the > jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas > between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar > was full. They agreed it was. > > The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. > Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if > the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.' > > The professor then produced two glasses of wine from under the table > and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the > empty space between the sand. The students laughed. > > 'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to > recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the > important things; your family, your children, your health, your > friends, and your favorite passions; things that if everything else > was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. > > The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your > house, and your car. The sand is everything else; the small stuff. > > 'If you put the sand into the jar first' he continued, 'there is no > room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you > spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have > room for the things that are important to you. > > Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play > with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your > partner out to dinner. Play another 18. Do one more run down the ski > slope. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the > disposal. Take care of the golf balls first; the things that really > matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.' > > One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the wine > represented. The professor smiled. 'I'm glad you asked. It just goes > to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always > room for a couple of glasses of wine with a friend.' > Share this with a friend

Pissing off the ex

Pissing off the ex A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar. “I had sex with another woman last night,” he tells her. “But I was thinking of you the whole time.” “You miss me that much?” she asks. “No,” he says. “But it kept me from coming too fast.”
Top 6 Smartass Answers SMARTASS ANSWER #6 It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied. SMARTASS ANSWER #5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub." SMARTASS ANSWER #4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." SMARTASS ANSWER #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. SMARTASS ANSWER #2 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand

Stupid Case File

Courtesy of NewsTimes FAIRFIELD - It's a theft that just doesn't add up. A man who tried to steal cash from the Dunkin' Donuts outlet on the Post Road on Monday night fled with an adding machine that he apparently mistook for a cash register. Police said the unidentified man walked into the doughnut shop about 10:28 p.m. and handed a clerk a note stating that he had a gun and a bomb. The man's note said he would use both if he didn't get cash, police said. The man then grabbed an adding machine, which had no cash drawers, from the counter and ran from the shop. The thief fled in a black car, possibly a Pontiac, police said.
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