Seaviper's blog: "Darwin Awards"

A Medical First at Oktoberfest 2003 Honorable Mention Confirmed True by Darwin (September 2002, Germany) Three doctors from a Munich clinic published the following account in a highly respected medical journal. The man in question disqualified himself from a true Darwin Award by being smart enough to go to a hospital and admit what he'd done. The report is quoted directly from the journal, with the addition of bracketed "translations" that clarify the medical jargon. "A 31-year-old man was admitted to the emergency unit with severe abdominal pain and vomiting for two hours. [He'd been sober enough to notice a problem for the last two hours.] An abdominal radiograph disclosed intestinal obstruction, and a small bowel follow-through study revealed a filling defect in the right-side jejunum. [His gut was backed-up because something was stuck in it]. Persistent exploration of the patient's history [he *really* didn't want to talk about it] disclosed a visit to the Munich Octoberfest the night before, during which the patient had ingested a condom filled with beer. [No, we don't know why, either]. "Upper endoscopy was unsuccessful in removing the condom. [We couldn't budge it.] Because the condom was localized close to the abdominal wall, it was finally punctated with a long needle under CT control. [We stuck a really big needle in it, and it burst.] Forty milliliters of a yellow clear liquid [we can't say in print that it was beer, because we were laughing so hard we didn't think to send it to the lab] were drawn off when the condom slid forward spontaneously. The next morning, the condom was identified in the patient's stool [a high-quality, leakage-resistant condom, showing that the man was at least attempting to nullify his influence on the gene pool,] and the patient was discharged in good condition." The authors note, "To the best of our knowledge, this is the first report on intestinal obstruction caused by ingestion of a condom filled with an alcoholic beverage, and its successful transcutaneous treatment. [Hey, we always wanted to be the first doctors to do *something*

Recycled Bullets 2007 Honorable Mention Confirmed True by Darwin Bugs Bunny was smarter... (12 May 2007, Lake Luzerne, New York) Adult survivors of the teenage years are well aware that teenager exists in a private world where he already knows everything he needs to know. Here is the story of one teenager who was finally prompted to reconsider his mental acumen, and admit that he not only doesn't know everything, he really doesn't know anything. In a 1943 Bugs Bunny cartoon, Falling Hare, the wascally wabbit matches wits with a gremlin at a US airbase. The gremlin is bashing a bombshell with a mallet in an attempt to detonate it, and Bugs Bunny comes up and asks if he can have "a whack at it". Just before the mallet hits the bombshell, Bugs stops and screams, "WHAT AM I DOING?!!" The subject of today's story did not have the epiphany that Bugs had. This 18 year old decided he needed money, probably for beer -- I recall being 18 once. The problem now becomes how to raise money for said beer? He knew that brass shell casings could be sold for $1.70 per pound to the Capitol Scrap Co. in Albany. The trouble was, he didn't have any empty brass shell casings. But he did have full brass shells. He merely needed to empty them, thereby creating scrap metal. Our protaganist began discharging .223-caliber rounds by placing each in a steel vise, putting the tip of a screwdriver on the primer, and striking the screwdriver with a hammer. One hundred rounds later... The police were called to his home when a bullet penetrated his abdomen by a half-inch. He was treated at Glens Falls Hospital and released. Since the abdomen contains the reproductive organs, it is possible that his brilliant fund-raising idea rendered him sterile, but as there is no evidence, we can only award him an Honorable Mention for narrowly surviving his brush with death. The total amount these shell casings were worth? Approximately $6.

Intelligence Blunders 1999 Darwin Award Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin TNT: trinitrotoluene. A yellow crystalline compound that is a flammable toxic derivative of toluene; used as a high explosive. (13 August 1999, Manila) A deadly explosion in the Philippines' National Bureau of Investigation was initially considered to be a terrorist act. But the ensuing investigation linked the event not to criminals, but to careless NBI agents smoking near a bucketful of TNT. The blast killed seven people, including the perpetrator, and demolished the NBI Special Investigation Division. Grenades and other explosives also detonated in the fire. Officials are considering charging the Division Chief with criminal negligence for failing to safeguard seized explosives. But it is the perpetrator, envisioned crushing out his cigarette in a pail of explosives, who wins

Flames of Passion 1999 Darwin Award Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin (17 November 1999, Germany) Germany's long-held image as a peaceful Utopia has been tarnished by an acrimonious divorce. After bitter divorce proceedings, 40-year-old Uwe of Brandenburg found that he had lost everything but his lederhosen knickerbockers. Among other possessions, the settlement demanded that Uwe turn over ownership of his house to his newly-estranged wife, Verena. Enraged by his 37-year-old wife's unmitigated legal victory, the forty-year-old man decided to follow the sage advice of an obscure German proverb: "If life gives you lemons, burn them." Descending into the basement with his trusty drill, Uwe proceeded to bore several holes into a rather large oil tank. He then set fire to the fuel as it poured in erratic streams onto the floor. To his delight, the entire basement was engulfed in flames within seconds. His joy turned to ashes, however, when he realized that he was now in the middle of a Hindenburg-sized house fire. Despite a valiant effort to save himself, Uwe died in the flames of his own vengeance. Verena got the last laugh, which acquaintances described as "maniacal."

Flyswatter 2006 Honorable Mention Confirmed True by Darwin (April 2004, California) An adult education teacher gave 25 students an impromptu lesson in safety during his safety class. Using opaque reasoning, Teach figured the 40-mm shell he had found on a hunting trip must be inert. He kept the round and used it as a paperweight on his desk. After all, ordnance is such a unique conversation piece. But more notably, this particular ordnance was the teacher's ticking ticket to fame. One spring morning, a bug crawled across his desk. Should he squash it with a tissue? Sweep it out the door? Leave it to pursue its happy existence, and continue on with his lesson? No; the teacher picked another alternative. He took up the "inert" artillery shell and slammed it onto the short-lived insect. The impact set off the primer, and the resulting explosion caused him burns and shrapnel lacerations on his hand, forearm, and torso. No one else in the classroom was hurt. To the teacher's further consolation, his actions did succeed in one respect: the bug was eliminated.

Older Darwin Award Nominee Unconfirmed by Darwin A college student dressed up as Dracula for Halloween. As a finishing touch, he put a pine board down the front of his shirt, so he could "realistically" stick a knife into the board and pretend he was transfixed with a killing stake. He didn't consider the strength of the thin pine board when he tapped the knife in with a hammer. Propelled by the force of the hammer, the sharp knife tip split the soft pine and buried itself in his heart. He staggered from his dorm room into the party, gasping, "I really did it!" before succumbing before horrified friends lmfao WTF

Halloween Pumpkin Award 1998 Darwin Award Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin I'll Never Smoke Again, Mummy! (31 October 1998, Canada) For Halloween this year, a Canadian man named Gary dressed as a mummy by wrapping himself from head to toe in fluffy cotton batting. The cotton was taped at the wrists and ankles, and white gloves and running shoes completed his fashionable ensemble. As the mummy was waiting in the kitchen for his girlfriend to dress for pictures of their costumes, he carelessly lit a cigarette... and burst into flames, as the flammable costume ignited. His girlfriend rushed into the kitchen and dragged him into the yard before calling the fire department. An appalled group of trick-or-treaters learned the reason for flame-retardant costumes right there on the lawn of his grilfriend's Orillia home. Firefighters arrived within minutes, and found his entire costume reduced to ashes, right down to the white coveralls underneath. Gary was covered with second- and third-degree burns. He was conscious and kept repeating, "It's my fault," apparently aware of his own role in the creation of this spectacular Darwin Award. He was pronounced dead at Soldier's Memorial Hospital early the next morning

Steel Steal 2007 Darwin Award Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin Oh no, not again! (28 July 2007, Czech Republic) A pack of thieves attempted to steal and sell "scrap metal" from an abandoned factory in Kladno. Unfortunately for them, they selected the steel girders that supported the factory roof! When the girders were dismantled, the roof proceeded to fall, fatally crushing two of the thieves, and injuring three others. (21 June 2007, Philippines) Three enterprising individuals tried to make a buck by selling metal to the scrap heap. They entered a former US military complex in Clark, Pampanga, Philippines. Before them stood the prize: an abandoned water tank! Bedazzled by the profit to be made, the three gleefully abandoned logic, and began to cut the metal legs out from under the water tank. Guess where the tank fell? Straight onto the thieves. They have not yet been identified, as their bodies were severely flattened.

She Can Do Anything He Can Do 2007 Personal Account (May 2007, Berkeley, California) I was taught by my fraternity to believe in human service, and always lend a hand. Particularly to attractive young women! One Saturday afternoon, I was drinking beer on the front deck of the frat house, and enjoying the California sun, when I heard the unmistakable "thump thump, thump thump" of a flat tire. A Ford SUV pulled up to the curb, and two pretty young women hopped out to inspect the damage. I quickly jumped down from the deck and offered to lend a hand. Perhaps they needed a jack, or a spare set of hands? I was rebuffed. "Just because we're women, doesn't mean we can't change a tire." So I sat back on the deck to watch the show. The women retrieved tools and the spare from their vehicle without trouble, and began to jack up the car. They didn't notice that the car was right against the curb. There was no room to remove the wheel or install the new one. I attempted to step in, but was brusquely rebuffed. Eventually, they realized their error, and rolled the car forward to the ramp in the curb. Here, again, they didn't take into account the angled edge of the curb, which allowed for drainage. Even fully extended, the jack wasn't tall enough to allow the installation of a fully inflated spare. Again, I offered my help. I suggested that they put the jack on a 4x4 block of wood I had handy, to offset the height. But no! They wanted to change the tire themselves. The young women found a cinder block, set the jack on it, jacked up the car, and removed the flat. Here's where the Darwin potential comes in. Until now, I had not paid attention to where on the underbody they had positioned the jack. I made the mistake of assuming they knew a jack couldn't just go anywhere. I was proven wrong. With the jack fully extended, and the flat removed, one woman began to put the spare on the studs. If you own an SUV, you know these spares aren't lightweight. The woman sat on the curb, with her legs extended underneath the SUV, and wheel hub positioned directly in front of her. Only then did I realize that they had placed the jack on the only "flat" spot of the underbody--the floorboard of the passenger seat! Before I could yell to get her out of there, the jack tore through the floorboard, and dropping the front of the SUV directly on the women legs. The hub fell just shy of crushing her unmentionables. To my knowledge, she suffered two broken femurs (impressive, given that they're the strongest bones in the human body) but no damage to the procreative parts. Still, she came as close to an Honorable Mention as I believe a woman can.

2000 Honorable Mention Confirmed True by Darwin (13 May 1998, New Jersey) There's apparently not much to do in Long Branch during the long May evenings. A 51-year-old man decided to satisfy his fantasy of robotic love by seeking sexual gratification with his vacuum cleaner. Most men would think twice before poking a valuable organ into a vacuum, but this optimistic fellow had no qualms about the safety of his intended course of action. And using a vacuum cleaner had the appealing aspect of tidying up his mess after satisfying him. Our horny hero didn't realize that the suction on his hand-held Singer A-6 was created by a blade whirling just beneath the hose attachment, adjacent to the collection bag. His search for pleasure was cut short seconds after he stuck his penis into the vacuum and the blade lopped off part of his penis. With a sense of loss, he staggered to the phone and called police. He told them that he had been stabbed in his sleep. When police pointed out suspicious evidence, the victim claimed not to remember the incident. Surgeons at Monmouth Medical Center stopped the bleeding, but were unable to reattach the 1/2" severed part. Though this man is still alive, his ability to reproduce has been curtailed by both his injury and his proclivity for household appliances.