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The Solo Life: I've been single for an absurdly long time at this point. There was a time when that fact depressed me, or perhaps made me feel a tinge of jealousy at what I don't have, but somewhere along the line I became comfortable with it, and even begun to like my solitude. I started liking myself, and the person that I am when I am my only influence. I never liked 'the dating game'. 'Tis total crappenshoots, and I have better ways to spend my time. For several years, I played around a lot with different women. Fling here, fling there, etc. Somewhere along the line though, I lost interest in that as well. More superficial nonsense. No real connection. Without that 'spark', it's just raw physical expression, and that alone is an empty experience. Fun, perhaps, but ultimately empty of any real meaning. I am content with where I am. I don't need a woman in my life to make me feel like I have value. There are naturally still occasions when I will think about how nice it would be to have someone, but the bare truth is that I won't settle for just anyone. I don't believe that any of us should settle for anything less than what we deserve. And I deserve far better than I have received so far. Some people may think "oh, why do I always get shit on?", but I prefer to think of it as good fortune left in the bank somewhere. lol. There's no reason to lament what one does not have, when there is so much in this world to be glad for. It's just a matter of putting it all into perspective, and deciding what you do or do not need in your life.
Another odd thing I will note though, is something that I have mentioned once before: Even though, even in my own mind, and my spirit, I know that it has always just been me. Even in my dreams, it has always been me against the world. Lately though, ever since the appearance of a certain woman in my dreams not that long ago (still don't know who it is, as I forget her face and everything when I wake up), there's always someone there now. It's like I can just vaguely feel her presence there. Kind of like a supportive presence. She feels familiar, like I've known her for years, but there's nothing I can ever remember about her the next day that in any way resembles any woman I can remember. It is the WEIRDEST thing.
Anyway, what I mean to say is this: Don't worry about trying to change everything about your life in order to find happiness. Find happiness in what you HAVE, and the rest will come. Life is too fucking short for worries, regrets, or emptiness.
~Grr 7/9/15
