Vera's blog: "Funny Stuff"

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were
actually taking place.


 ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
 WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
 ____________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
 WITNESS: I forget.
 ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
 ___________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
 WITNESS: We both do.
 ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
 WITNESS: We do.
 ATTORNEY: You do?
 WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
 ____________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
 WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
 ____________________________________

 ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
 WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
 ___________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
 WITNESS: Are you KIDDING me?
 _________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
 WITNESS: getting laid
 ____________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
 WITNESS: None.
 ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
 WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?
 ____________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
 ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
 WITNESS: Take a guess.

 ____________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
 WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
 ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
 WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
 _____________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
 WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work...
 ______________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
 WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
 _________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
 WITNESS: Oral.
 _________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
 WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
 ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
 WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
 ____________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
 WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
 ______________________________________

 And the best for last:

 ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
 WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
 ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
 WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.