babygirlblue's blog: "breathing again"

today as i went through the motions of every day suck air ,go there, be here, and so on.. i was forced to evaluate my life having nothing else to think about i had good parents growing up went to the preppy private school went to community college then university was quite popular apparently when your fat it pays to be funny but i cant recall ever being sad till today... i came to think about how.. i was never picked first i asked my date to prom i didnt get kissed till i was 17 i was in 2 relationships the first not even till i was 22 i have only ever had 2 sexual partners ive been in like a few times in love 2 times and either picked last or not picked at all every time im sure to some this may sound like the "poor fat girl whose self esteem is low and self worth questioned and self respect put out there for the world to see" but its quite the opposite i have loved the best,although his love wasnt returned i have visited far away places i am educated i am up on top the ladder in the corporate world i am me i am still fat and funny i am still educated and whitty i am successful but im also still last or not picked i love someone whole heartedly yet to them im just a name in the passing today i celebrate my accomplishments yet i also mourn a broken heart today... my soul cried.

today i was busy as hell but yet still thoughts of you they just seemed to follow me as i was on the go i thought of all the wise things you have said i thought of the different times that you would come and go i thought about the day that we first met as well as the day you walked away i thought about how lost i was without you when not one but both of my parents passed i thought of my dad and how he would tell me "when you choose your freinds remember that they will come and go or come and grow" that left me puzzled because of all the times you ran away from my love and freindship then today i came to the dicision that you werent ever meant to come and go but that the part my dad left out was that i should know that we all have to start out as merely seeds that need to handled with love and attention time and respect then and only then we can grow and mature into people that others can respect and depend on and love and care about but yet until we do all that for ourselves how can we accept and desire and believe in anyone elses love so having said that my friend i love you you are special to me i need you even if its not now the time will come i care about you and about how things are going in your life i desire you because even if your not being the best i know you are you are being the best you can at that particular time in you life i dream of you because you are in my past i long for you in my future a big part of who i am is because of you you may not have found your worth in this world but you helped me find my "womans worth" thank you for who you are thank you for who you was thank you for who you have yet to become because i know and believe that man in you will one day roll in like "thunder" i hope to be present in your life when that man becomes present till then.....im always here <3 amy lynn

i wish you could see inside my soul what lies within and makes me whole i wish you could visit any one of my dreams the ones that makes passions and not the screams i wish you could hold me long enough to tell how my life without you has been awkward as hell i wish for one moment in time you could stare straight into my eyes and see where lost love has left me empty and afraid i wish you would take time to remember what i brought to your table that made you laugh smile cry pout or just want me i wish you could see what i see in you and know that your not "just a man" as you say but your a man that is strong enough that you demand respect loving enough that women flock to you caring enough that people desire your freindship talented enough that people are amazed by your creativity my hopes for you are that one day you see yourself as i do i hope that you draw strength from me as i do you i hope you find the love for someone as i have found in you i hope you never have to hurt the way i have i just hope whats behind your mask becomes real! heres to your passion,heart,love,caring,compassionate,desirable,talented,delightful,wonderful,sexy self. heres to finding out who we are thorugh the eyes of others heres to celebrating you. i love you today,tomorrow,and always. <3 amy lynn

i can recall the crispness in your voice every time you spoke my name. i can hear my heart as it pounded when the phone would ring and it would be you. i can remember the sound my tears made as they hit the paper when i would write you a letter about what i thought. i tried to forget you so many damn times when my heart would beat me up inside and remind me that you are unforgettable. i pretended so many times not to care when my mind called me a fool for trying. i dreamed of you more times than i can count when i would find my body limp from just trying to stay awake. i have imagined what my life would be if you had never walked in it when i have known that that thought is too far from reality. and finally an end result to it all.. i have come to accept and appreciate that you are always going to me close to my heart because... I LOVED!

every since you walked away that aweful lonely day.you didnt just take urself away from me, you took a huge part of me with you. my breathing was left so shallow. my heart never beat the same. and the very life that was left in me felt like it had been taken away from my then lifeless body. so here i sat,an alone,lifeless,empty shell of a being. waiting some days impatiently for you to come back and offer me back the peices to my puzzle of a life. but that very day never seem to come. day after day i would stare into lost cherry space...that is until it turned with the season into a blooming cherry tap..and now all grown up..FUBAR. the day has finally come when u should grace the very existance i have had in me but too weak to tell even for myself. you came back to me..the full circle it did make, once again allowing me to see that like the world..fubar wasnt flat either. for my handsome prince didnt fall off the edge of my screen into oblivia as i had previously thought.lmao but nontheless and all bullcherries left aside.. im glad to get my freind back.my compadre.my heart.my love.my dreams.my desires.my best freind. welcome back to my world,glad you stopped back in."left the screen on for ya"... thank you wheel of fortune for taking me off of life support!........lmao "in loving memory of who we were, and anticipation of who we become.." "freinds come and go or come and grow........... ...........SPROUT ME IM STAYIN!" (written for someone special..you know who you are!)

today i saw that you had stopped by. not really sure when or why. maybe to see me too or to say hi. you spoke no words,nor came a responce to mine. i sat here and thought what made this day special. do you miss me? do you think of me? do you wonder what could have been or what could be? im not really sure what to think when i speak and the return never surrenders to me. yet i still am left to hope,dream,wish,desire,and when all other feelings fail me im left as a child to just shut my eyes and cross my fingers. ive loved you a long time as a freind,a spiritual lover,and as well as my ambitions desire. you are far more than you could possibly know. you are my heart and soul and forever my special freind. there is no real reason for this writing, just my desire to let you know my heart stopped when......... today i saw you. I MISS YOU WHEEL OF FORTUNE!

i saw u and spoke and u muttered no word i woke in the middle of the night terrified from the heart stopping mares that had filled my mind and i screamed for you,but you never came to my rescue.i was standing in a line in a public place and thought i heard you call my name and when i turned,no such luck.here i am alone confused hurt angry frustrated and painfully sad.you didnt say goodbye see you later or go to hell.you just walked away as if i had never crossed your path or had been worthy of your time.your "i love you"s are so distant now that your voice fades farther and farther when i try to remember how they sounded as they fell off your sexy lips.i loved you deeper than i think you even knew and regretted you walking away leaving me to drown in my sadness.i cant stop allowing you to cross my mind as i wonder if you ever think of me.i can remember how i used to blush and laugh quietly when you used to tell me i was your weakness.and that it had to be the red hair and green eyes that did it for you.but again,as time goes by my heart fades faster and faster.i loved you then i love you today i will love you forever.