Its not my room anymore
I decided I'd start cleaning out my room today. And I could barely do it. I just sat in the middle of my room and cried. I threw out all my magazines, quite a few of my cds, and alot of everything else. Two of my walls are now bare, and it doesnt even look like my room anymore. I feel like I'm throwing away everything that makes me me and leaving it all here in NY. My dresser is cleaned up for the first time... ever, and if you have ever been in my room, then you know about my huge dried flower montage thingy near my door. That is one of my favorite things in my room, and I cant throw it out. They're beautiful, and yet, I cant take them down and take them with me without destroying them..I cant do it. This is too hard. More than I ever imagined. I have lived in that room for the last 18 years, I used to wish I could leave it everyday, go somewhere different, leave all the memories behind. But now that I am, I dont want to. I dont want to leave all the memories of my room behind. All the nights spent cuddling, all the nights crying over a broken heart or depression.All the laughter. All the love. All the hurt. I have locked myself in my room so many times that I can count, wishing I could escape. and I cant lock myself in there anymore. I will never be able to go in there, and just sit there watching out my window as the snow falls, or scream back and forth to corey at 2 am, or sit on the roof and sunbathe. I'll never be able to blast my music so loud that the floor shakes and my mother pounds on the walls downstairs screaming for me to turn it down, or sit on the floor smoking a much needed cigarette. Anna and I wont ever be able to go in there, give our backrubs and laugh until 3 am over the most stupidest shit, or get drunk, or sit in the closet anymore.
as much as I need to leave this house, I dont want to. I want to take my room with me. I want to take everything with me.
i think i need to get drunk and do this drunk.
