This guy walks into a bar wearing a Lions jersey and carrying a little wiener dog that also has a Lions jersey on with a little Lions helmet too.
The guy says to the bartender, "Can my dog and I watch the Lions game here? My
TV at home broke and my dog and I want to see the game."
The bartender replies, "Normally, dogs in the bar would not be allowed, but it is not terribly busy in here, so you and the dog can have a seat at the end of the bar.
But, if there is any trouble with you or the dog, I'll have to ask you to leave." The guy agrees and he and his dog start watching the game
Pretty soon the Lions kick a field goal and the wiener dog jumps up on the bar and walks down the bar and gives everyone a high five.
The bartender says, "Hey, that's cool! What does he do for a touch down?"
The guys answers, "I don't know, I've only had him for 3 years."
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Collection Plate
The church service was under way and they passed the collection plate.
When the preacher saw a $100 bill in the collection plate, he stopped the service and announced, "Who ever put the $100 bill in the plate please stand up."
A gay man stood up and said, "I did."
The preacher told him, "Since you put that money in the plate
I would like to let you pick out three hymns."
Excitedly, the gay guy said, "Well, I'll take him and him and him!"
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A little old Lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco,
Crisssssssco!"
Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, "Ma am, the Crisco is
in aisle 3."
The old Lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm
calling my Husband. He's in here somewhere"
The clerk is astonished. "Your Husband's name is Crisco?"
The old Lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're
out in public."
"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at home?"
"Lard ass.."
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A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on I-35 south, just outside of St. Paul. Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, What happened? What's the hold Up?
Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson,Al Sharpton, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Carl Levin, Barney Frank, John Edwards, Andrew Young, Jimmy Carter, Cindy Sheehan, George Soros, John Murtha, Russ Feingold, David Durben, Al Franken, Rosie O'Donnell and John Kerry.
They are asking for a $100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.
The driver asks, On average how much is everyone giving?
About a gallon.
