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MONDAY'S JOKE
Windows 666
Bill Gates dies, and ascends to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God immediately recognizes him and says to him "Bill Gates -- you're a great man. I shall give you a choice of either heaven or hell." Bill Gates tells God that he would like to see both before making a decision.
So God takes Bill Gates down to Hell, where there are beautiful, nubile bikini models, perfect weather, free drinks, and eternal happiness. "That doesn't seem so bad," says Gates. "Let's see Heaven now." God and Gates go to Heaven, which seems to be just a bunch of old, crusty angels flying around and sitting on a few clouds. "I've made my decision," says Gates. "I choose Hell."
Six months later, God goes down to Hell to check on him and finds him hanging above a pit of fire with wild harpies tearing out his intestines. "What happened to all the bikini models and the sun and the fun?" Gates screams. "Oh, that," says God. "That was just the demo." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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TUESDAY'S JOKE
The Three Horses of the Apocalypse
The world is going to end in three days, so God calls the three most important leaders on the planet to help him break the news to the masses: Bill Clinton, Bill Gates and Jean Creitian. Bill Clinton goes back to America and tells Congress and the Senate that he has bad news and good news. The bad news is the world is going to end in three days, the good news is that they can finally stop all those investigations of him.
Bill Gates goes back to Seattle and tells Microsoft that he has bad news and good news. The bad news is that the world will end in three days. The good news is that there won't be a follow up to Windows 98.
Jean Creitian goes back to Canada and says he has good news, really good news and amazingly good news: "The good news god thinks I am a world leader, the really good news is that all those problems with the budget won't exist in three days and the amazingly good news is that I won't have to put up with that annoying little twit Preston Manning any more."
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The Engineer's Love Life
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said,“I enjoyed time with my wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said,“I enjoyed time with my mistress, because of the passion and mystery I found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" they questioned.
The Engineer said, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
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THURSDAY'S JOKE
You Work for the Government When:
* The process becomes more important than the product
* You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about * You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there
* You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one answering them.
* You fly first class across the country to attend a conference with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money
* You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym
* You understand the rationalization of an acronym composed of acronyms
* You know that the location of a meeting is directly related to its importance. (1) A meeting at Fort Hood requires a subordinate or a contractor (2) The same meeting at Lake Tahoe requires your personal attention
* You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards
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FRIDAY'S JOKE
I Can Tell This Job Sucks Already
Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.
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SATURDAY'S JOKES
Laxative Cough Therapy
A man is working at a pharmaceutical store, and he always gets the orders wrong. His boss tells him if he screws up one more time, he is fired.
An old man walks in and orders cough syrup. He can't find any so he gives him a laxative instead. The man takes the laxative and leaves the store. The boss comes up and asks why he gave the man a laxative in place of cough syrup. He points towards the old man who is suddenly leaning on a lightpost and says, "Look at him -- he's afraid to cough." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- **************************************************************************************************** SUNDAY'S JOKES
Soy Toy
While going through his wifes dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:
Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you.
When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion, she explained.
The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget her few moments of weakness.
I'm curious though, he said, Where did the thirty dollars come from?
Oh that, his wife replied, Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Blonde Looking for a Job
A blonde was filling out an application form for a job. She promptly filled the columns entitled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc. Then she came to the column: SALARY EXPECTED.'Yes.'
