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What are you waiting for?
well my friends, i have been absent for a lil over a month or so now... more absent then ive been in a while atleast... Back in january i had gone in for my lady maintenance checkup, and a few weeks after that i was called by the clinic to be informed that i had abnromal cells built up on my cervix. and they schedualed a day for me to go to another clinic that specialized in procedure types that they wanted me to do.
i go there and indure a very uncomfertable and more then a lil painful procedure... only for them to tell me they cant finish the process because i wasnt on my preventative antibiotics.... so the whole thing was reschedualed for valentines day.
vday rolls around and i take my medication and go back to the clinic to finish the hoopla. once there they biopsy my cervix in a few places and at the end of all the whatnot. they tell me that it would be about two weeks befor i get any results back... last week they finally called me, informing me that first and foremost i had nothing to worry about, yet of the two places they biospied the "front" and the "back", they were concerned for the amount of abnormal cells built up upon the "front" while they didnt seem to have a second thought of the "back".... So the sum of the beginning of my year has been coming to terms with my potential of having cancer...
Both my grandmother and my mother had cervical cancer, so based of family history it seems quite likely that this isnt going to be the end of my expereince....
je ne sais pas... i do know that throughout this entire experenience so far... im learning a depth to myself i hadnt previsouly suspeceted. i Crave things from this life i was afraid to ever even acknowledge the possibility of potential for. it has made the moments i share with those around me that much more sweeter
So, its a mental blender and heres the contents that i spill; spewing forth the sickness within me, all the twisted tear streaked memories that reside inside my mind.
Riddled across the scars of my soul is a jellybellys bag of moments forever immortalized. The sweet tender dreams of yester years gone awry.... Trepid anticipation shattered by the breaking ride of expereince.... Sundering heartaches ripping seams anew, realigning....rectifying.... There is no longer the glimmer inspired by the echo of voices long withheld..
How is there to be a flourishing with all nourishments denied!?!?!?!
To ease the Agonies within me, would seem as if a blasphemy as all Soulpieces pick the trials, obsticals that litter their pathway to Grace, Harmony, Mirth, Sacrifice, Compassion, Honor, and not leastly Love..... It is not my place to gainsay Karma's dictations on payment.
There seems no abode i might call my own.... ever a steping stone
whats the big questions of a lifetime???
Love, Death? Fate, Divinity?......
isnt that all the same thing? i had always thought them to be parts of the Same... but these days i know nothing as i had believed myself once to understand. with every fiber of my being i experinece more every day the ways in which i lacked understanding, how niave and misguided i was once before......
While yet i was misguided, now i am Lost, utterly void of any grasp to where im headed...
The horizon is dark, ominously building in this hidden crescendo sending my soul to quiver in trepidition... there is no star by which to guide myself anylonger. It feels as though i am stumbeling nearly about to falter on this twisted dark, obscured path.... if thats to be so, i beg thee Blessed Elohim do not let me hinder the journy of those around me...give me the strength to indure such unease alone... i wish only to be strong, so i might be worthy to one day experience that which you teach us....
be that it is so
whelp, changes to be made. im going to have to clean out the spare room, off the garage at my dads to have a place to stay..... gonna be fuckin hot in there, i cant even remeber if there is a window or not. i dont fucking care anymore. its likely better then living here in these conditions..... gotta get my shit together and leave all these fucking people behind me in the dust where they belong.
i have no real family. never really did anyways. guess its just official now.
As i sit here waiting for my gran to get me before the ride to Reno. all that consumes my mind is the nature of love/ the affections we hold to the living forces around our own selves. Dogs, Cats, creatures of all kind, let alone fellow Humans. What is the best of our love? whats the true unselfish goodness of our Loves? when we give of our hearts and sacrifice effort for the well being of another soulpiece... to save the bug n set it free outside, or even on a plant near by.. is that not selfless love???
or would swallowing your agony, so that one you carefor can be better off, to feel that sweet ache of utter devotion... for some one else. and not you. is that selfless?
to wrap the very core of your innermostSelf... Hide it way and try the hardest of your ability to remain untouched.... is an insult to such love... isnt it?...
i once thought to know within my heart, the true nature of what it means to LOVE, to have that cruel benediction upon my brow.....i had thought myself wise in the ways of love.... even in the depths of my darkesst sarrows i am niave. how wrong i was cunfuddeles me, i have no strength of resolve within my core anymore... the pain of the warniing only amplified within my Dreams. i have not the certinity within me that i once possesed.
Je Ne Sais Pas.
i know not what to do, as i tread this pathway i am ever increasingly finding that the solidity of my world is crumbling around me. when will my foundations finaly fall??
~guide me Elohim let ever all my footsteps take me to you~
To alter the given course of Loves path is to fiddle with shit one soul; at best, can never understand...
What am i , who could i think i might be to ever know what course in life i am ment to walk.. and yet.. fuck i thin kto pursume that i know with heart searing clarity the truth of my mistakes..
WE can never know the depth of our mistakes.. our misdeeds. that which we would give a shard of the soul to remake. echoing not within just my very own soul but within His,...... So many of whom our actions touch reverbarate to the depth of their very Core. Each knowing in that timeless moment of Memory the agony of unspoken words; actions never undertaken.
Appoligy is nothing but curtisy. What is the honest Expression from one kindred soul to another, Remorse...????
Je ne sais pas.
totally fucking awesom, watched the brutal tones of Dirge Within, Darkest Hour, White Chapel and Trivium... <3<3<3<3<3<3<3!!!
fuck it was amazing, ear deafining, beaty! :D a whole year tell Trivium comes back to california. sweet divine, ill die! ::sighs:::
To live within the celestial moment of this day is... a preciouse thing. Wether it be Baneful or Blessed; this day will never once again be repeated and known.. not for a lifetime.. for a thousand years...
Kiss Elohim on the Mouth , and pray that thee shall find thy hearts desire..
