62 Things to Do After Sex: A Practical Guide For Any Situation


1 - Go home.

2 - Call her a cab.

3 - Apologize. And explain how you almost never "finish" that quickly.

4 - Unlock the men's room door and get back to your desk.

5 - Pay the lady.

6 - Try to locate Maui on the map of Hawaii you just left on her stomach.

7 - Roll over and go to sleep.

8 - Take a shower.

9 - Compliment her on her dancing skills as she leaves for the main stage.

10 - Spoon.

11 - Ask her her name.

12 - Turn the video camera off.

13 - Make yourself a sandwich.

14 - Tell her to make you a sandwich.

15 - Two words: Sports. Center.

16 - Tip Mai Ling the extra $25.

17 - Change the sheets.

18 - Put the whip back in the freezer.

19 - Clean up the condom wrappers.

20 - Hang up the phone and put your credit card back in your wallet.

21 - Check for sores.

22 - Ask the waiter for the check.

23 - Take off the wig and fishnets.

24 - Return to your seats and pretend to enjoy the in-flight movie.

25 - Remove the beads from your ass.

26 - Remove the beads from her ass.

27 - Put another log on the fire.

28 - Pee.

29 - Ask if they are in the same sorority.

30 - Bask in the afterglow.

31 - Act like you're actually putting her number in your phone.

32 - Try hard not to look so surprised you actually had sex with a woman.

33 - Engage in some obligatory pillow talk.

34 - Sneak her back to the reception to before the other bridesmaids miss her.

35 - Climb out the window before her father comes home.

36 - Climb out the window before her husband comes home.

37 - Reload for round two.

38 - Put the sock in the hamper.

39 - Tip the washroom attendant for not seeing/hearing anything.

40 - Remove your ball gag and release The Gimp.

41 - Defog the windshield so you can drive her home.

42 - Let the dog back in the room.

43 - Turn off Cinemax and go to sleep.

44 - Get her a towel.

45 - Take the rubber bands off your wrist and let the blood flow back into your hand.

46 - Uncuff her.

47 - Beg her to uncuff you.

48 - Chew your arm off to get away without waking her up.

49 - Tell the cabdriver he can turn the rearview mirror back to where it belongs.

50 - Deflate your girlfriend and put her back under the bed.

51 - Try not to laugh when she tells you she's "never done anything like that before."

52 - Wipe off the clown makeup.

53 - Hold her. That's right. Hold. Her.

54 - Turn off the Barry White/Marvin Gaye/Righteous Brothers/Sting mix.

55 - Blow out the candles.

56 - Shut down the hot tub jets and grab a towel.

57 - Try to convince yourself you didn't see an Adam's Apple.

58 - Put the cap back on the lube.

59 - Fluff up the coat pile and get back to the party.

60 - Tell Paris it's ok to turn her cell phone back on.

61 - Drop the keys at the front desk.

62 - Log off and wipe down your keyboard.