How to Be Sure You'll Always Have a Job
10. Hide a "baby monitor." Makes those closed door meetings easier to hear.
9. Leave a pregnancy test kit with a positive result and an unsigned note saying, "I told you that damn condom ripped."
8. Play a game of "pocket pool" if you know what I mean!
7. First, simply hide pot seeds and watch as your clueless boss waters and nutures the plants daily. Second, watch as boss is escorted out of the building three months later by security.
6. Decorate using a thong and lace bra the morning after the company Christmas party.
5. When the boss asks "What have you accomplished this quarter?", respond with "Well, this chart shows that I have come to work completely baked only 25 times which is a decrease of 10% over last quarter. That combined with less sick days due to being too drunk to get out of bed has resulted in a 2% increase in productivity. I think that's pretty fucking good don't you?"
4. Tell your supervisor that your lawyer must be present in order to keep you from incriminating yourself.
3. Start giving the hurry up hand gesture about halfway through your performance review and say "Can we speed this up a bit boss? I really need to get down to the copy room in 10 minutes or Susan from marketing is going to find someone else to make her feel like a woman today."
2. Try the jedi mind trick on every question. For example, say "You don't need to see my project status reports. These arent the reports you are looking for." and then wave your hand across your face.
1. Tell the company that it really sucks that they have blocked porn websites on the network. What do they expect you to do for 8 hours a day?
