If you are a parent, have you ever wondered what kind of parent you are? I sure have! I guess now that my children growing up (Do they ever really grow up?!?), I have been thinking about this quite a bit.
I mean, what makes a good mother? Is it love? Is it discipline? Is it friendship? Is it the material things you provide for your child? Is it a combination of these and other things or all of the above? What exactly makes a good mother?
I look back and realize I have made many mistakes while raising my children. The guilt that I carry with me for those mistakes will never go away. Some of the mistakes were just that...mistakes. We are all human, so that is going to happen. I am not proud of this, but I am being honest. There have been other mistakes that were made because of a lack of knowledge. Some mistakes made because I was so extremely mentally exhausted I didn't think I could go on anymore. Some mistakes caused by fear. Regardless of the reasons, it doesn't take away my guilt.
It is funny how having children changes a person...or most people. I will have to admit it has been the toughest job I have ever had, but the most rewarding. It has been an eye opener for me. I think we all have visions of our children's lives being so much better than our own. I know I did and still do. The hard part was when I realized that no matter what I say or do it is essentially up to each one of my children to become the person they choose to be. Sure, I have tried my best to instill the basic values and morals. I have shared my opinions with them. And, I have learned that is really all you can do. I realize that you can try, and sometimes succeed, in forcing them to be a certain way or act a certain way, but it really isn't beneficial. I state I like diversity and that I respect others' opinions; well, that shouldn't and doesn't change when it comes to my children. It is just incredibily hard when you feel what they are choosing is not the best decision they could have made.
It's funny. Two of my children are teenagers..15 & 13..(boys at that). My friends with younger children will often give advice to me when I am having a rough time with either or both of them. To parents of young children I think it is hard to understand what it is like raising older children. There comes a time when the same methods that once worked on a younger child no longer works on an older child. Maybe this isn't always true, but it has been true in my case.
There also comes a time when you have to step back and/or let go. This can be exceptionally difficult at times. I get some flak occassionally from a few of my friends with older children in regards to some of my parenting choices. I have been told that I am too lenient. The ironic part of this is the friend that tells me the most has two teenagers himself who have given him more grief than my teenagers have given me. WAY MORE. He insists that I need to make more rules, put my foot down, etc. As I tell him, sometimes you have to let them make their own decisions, providing it is not something that will potentially cause them or anyone else harm or get anyone arrested. Sometimes you have to let your children hit rock bottom. Sometimes this is the only way for them to learn. Obviously his means of parenting is different than mine, but he has more problems than I do. This does not mean my choice is better. To me it shows that some things are going to happen regardless of what you do or say and it proves you cannot scare a child into doing what you want him/her to do after a certain age. All you can do is tell them what you think and hope that it will eventually sink in. Still, I wonder if I am a bad mother because I think this way. Am I making a huge mistake?
I know that I love all of my children more than anything in this world. I never knew or quite understood what it was like to love another person so much. I think the love a parent has for a child, especially the love a mother has for her child, is not fully understood until you become a parent/mother. I can without a doubt honestly state I would give my own life for my children without hesitation. Although I have had a few truly difficult times with my children, even though I have been disappointed in them before, even though they can be hard to get along with sometimes, I know I love them and always will. So, if love makes a good mother, I must be one of the best. But, I think it takes way more than love to be a good mother.
I try my best to provide for my children and I believe I have done a pretty good job in this area, especially considering I have pretty much raised them alone for most of their lives.
So, back to my question, what makes a good mother? I know I love my children, I try to make the best decisions that I can, I try to be fair, and I provide for them. I can honestly say I have sacrificed quite a bit for them.
Sometimes I get really down when I feel like I have failed as a mother. Usually I will bring myself back up by telling myself I am only human and therefore going to fail at times. I point out to myself that my children are safe, taken care of, and loved. I point out to myself that things could be a lot worse. I do have four kind, compassionate children that know right from wrong. Doesn't that mean I have done something right? Still, I feel I could have done and still can do so much better.Is this me being a bad mother or me being human? I mean, mothers are humans, too. Right?
So, I guess after all of this rambling, my questions of the day are....
What makes a good mother/parent? If you are a parent, have any of you ever felt like you have failed as a parent? If so, do you think this is a "normal" thought that most parents have? Do you ever wonder what your children will remember most about you? What they will think about you and your parenting style later in life?
I guess all I can do is to keep trying to improve and hope and pray I haven't and won't let my children down too much.
