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I'll be holding my birthday party at the calender launch since it's 2 days after my birthday. I've already spoken to the person in charge who has given me the thumbs up. Is even bringing me a cake ^_^
Maximum Capacity
116 School St, Chicopee, Massachusetts 01013
I turn 27 this year. The time for it isn't set yet, I'll stating so when it is.
There will be bands, raffles, the models from the calender who are stunningly beautiful! I'll be there not only as one of the models, but as the birthday girl. (hopefully I'll have a designated driver for my birthday so I can accept a drink or two)
I'd love to spend my birthday with friends and fans.
ANy gift you want to give me use the money instead towards the breast cancer raffles, calenders, donations etc.
If you have bought a calender or plan to before August 15th there will be a FREE ticket to the event included. Other wise (once I get the link for tickets) It will be $5 a ticket, $8 at the door. It IS a club. There is a bar. remember ALL proceeds go to FIGHT BREAST CANCER!
Get your calender before August 15 for a free ticket to the event. Your model code is Morgan
http://www.shredboystudios.com/leafingcancerbehind.html
Buy a signed poster
OR make a contribution at:
http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/leafing-cancer-behind
so, my brain surgery was 2/1, still recovering. On the 13th I ended up aspirating, for those who don't know what that means I vomited and acid washed back into my lungs. I'd gotten food poisoning and aspirated when my body rejected the bad Mc' Donalds. You can bet I wont eat there again. Well my lungs filled up with so much acid my back and chest were on fire. I felt like I was dying. Turns out, I was. I went to my local ER, they told me I was faking it with out checking my O2 sats, the amount of oxygen saturation in your blood. They pumped me full of duladid, a pain killer, and sent me home. Also told me they didn't want to see me back that day. I ended up back in there coughing up enough blood to fill paper towels. They took me serious then, check my O2 which was at 89 and plummeted every time I moved or got up to use the bathroom. It got so bad I couldn't breath on my own and I was still hacking up blood. The Doctors told the people I lived with that I wasn't going to live and wanted to know if I had a proxy. I was transfered to another hospital with a pulmonologist also known as a lung specialist. He told me with how badly my lungs were burned chances are I wasn't going to live. It was scary. I was in ICU for half a week, couldn't walk on my own, took a few days until I could breath on my own. The doctors were shocked that not only was I recovering, but it was at a rapid rate. I then ended up with an atypical pneumonia due to the aspiration. I still have that and it's been flooring me. One moment I'm fine, the next I'm so drained I can't hold myself up. I can't breath, I hack up a lung, I need help walking to my room. Hence why I'm at my aunts. She's taking care of me. I'm still weak and tired. Sleeping 8-16 hour days depending on how drained I am, what medication/antibiotic I'm on, what I've done that day, how many naps I need... the list goes on. I'm healing but its a slow process. Not to mention stressful. Top it all off some people aren't making it easy. People being jerks, giving me attitudes or the cold shoulder because I can't hang out or I'm too drained that day to go out. Someday's I'm good for a few hours of hanging out. But mostly, I'm drained and in pain.
ok so yeah, I got out of surgery at 12, went in at 7. I was in for 4.5-5 hours. I had scar tissue and 2 blockages. Along with having to remove half my 1st vertebra and file it down to smooth it out. I have 13 staples and they couldn't fine pain killers to make me feel better. Tried pure codeine, morphine, perks until they got to dilaudid. And it still hurts but just takes the edge off. The docs were confused that I'm so tolerant. Couldn't eat breakfast. Nothing tasted right. Lunch was great. Never threw up once. Also on a flexeril and decadron and pepcid. I wake up in pain screaming though. Thats my biggest issue. My neck hurts alot but over all things are better. My speech patterns are better. Anxiety gone. I'm not having the issues with claustrophobia that I once had. When confronted with a difficult conversation I was able to talk rationally rather then freak out like I normally would. So all in all not to shabby.
So I went to not only a surgical consult (that's another story) but before hand I went to see my pcp today. Woke up. Throat was itchy and tickly and a little sore, saw a big pustular bulb on my right tonsil. Thought I might have strep. Sighed and had them take a look. I figured the soreness was post nasal drip. Same for the tickly. But wanted it looked at. They did a fast strep test and sent the rest out to the lab. Should be 2 days until I get the results. Apparently its not strep. So my doctor starts asking me questions. How much do you sleep as of late? I sleep 10+ hours a day and I'm still tired I have 0 energy ever. Lets me know my lymph nodes are swollen. Well they have been for a little while now. Really bad a couple days ago. She asked if I've been sore. My answer was well yes, I assumed I had a cold all week. I have very flu like symptoms. Hot and cold chills. Fevers on an off. I always have headaches from my chiari malformation so that I always ignore. SHe felt my tummy asked if I've been nauseous lately or if it hurts. And yes I'm nauseous often so I don't think of it ever. Asked about my eating habits. I told her I haven't been as hungry as I usually am so I've been eating less. SO I asked if it was the flu with some tonsillitis. She told me they will get in lab results but she thinks it's mono. I hope its not. I don't know how bad that can get. Or if I will have issues at work or if I will need to take time off I really don't want to.
My surgical consult. So I have an Arnold Chiari Malformation most commonly known as Chiari Malformation. There are many different types but the type I have it that the back of my skull is too small and my brain was pushed into my spinal cord 6mm. I have no built up fluids but they want to do a type of MRI where they can SEE the flow of my fluids. There is a good chance I will have surgery and be out of work for a month. IF they deem I need it it will stop my headaches that I have 24/7, it will stop my seizures, it will help with my anxiety, and some of my speech issues. THAT one I didn't know about. So anyone who has spoken to me notice that sometimes I have an issue "spitting it out" I'll stutter or screw up words. Sound odd at times. Apparently its due to the malformation. I also forget things often, my arm goes numb constantly. And almost every issue I'm having is linked to the same thing, including my fainting and blacking out. They will need to go in, take out a part of my skull to enlarge the space and make a kind of "tent" as she called it, to hold my brain and make more room and may need to shave down or remove my 1st vertebra but most likely shave it down. The worst that may happen is 5% get meningitis because of brain and spinal cord fluids leaking. Think about it, they will be cutting into both skull and spine. But it should most likely make things better. She (my neurosurgeon) doesn't want to jump the gun and operate yet, she want's to do more testing. See how things are moving and flowing and decide what I need to do from there. If I do it I will be out of work for a month and home alone. I'll need alot of bed rest and my neck and back of my head will be sore.
I've been doing so badly keeping updates on here. I'm mostly on my facebook. But here's one they haven't seen yet.
So this year I got diagnosed with cervical and colon cancer. My body fought it off. Then I ended up with tumors in my lung. That's benign. Well I just found out I now have tumors in my brain and they don't know how long I have to live. I have told select friends on facebook. But like... one on here and realized NONE of my friends here know whats going on. So I was told I could live for years, they don't know yet. But it will be painful I'd been getting headache that would kill the devil. And started getting seizures. They jumped the gun and told me epilepsy. -_- Put me on hard drugs. Then I started having heart problems due to the drugs. So they took me off cold turkey and I've been having withdrawals for the past 2 days. I feel better now aside from a lot of sweating. But I'm alive for the most part. Now here's why I'm not upset. My body has fought off 3 different cancers already. I don't do chemotherapy. Why? It will kill me. I have bad kidneys to the point where chemo would be kind of iffy and I decided to go it with out. Well the nice thing about it is I don't look sick. It didn't kill my immune system so it's fighting off the cancer on its own. SO with the luck I've been having this one will the triumphed over as well. Let's just hope. I'm stressed and worried yes. But what am I to do? Be pessimistic and woe is me and let my depression kill me? When you cry "I'm dying, I'm going to die" guess what, you set yourself up for it and you do. If you're optimistic you stand a better chance at living. So that's my plan.
So, most of my friends know I've been having medical issues. Ranging from cervical and colon cancer now in remission. Then the huge cysts on my ovaries. After that the stint in the hospital about the pneumonic mass in my lung. Found out that a tumor. It's benign but the doctors told me it can change at any given moment. Yay me. Now for the past month or two I'm having seizures and my PCP (primary care physician) has diagnosed them has seizures. I have a long winded test day thursday so I wont be at work. But I wont be answering my phone or texting while in the hospital. I get to do hours of blinky lights. Then the fun stress test where they hook you to a flat board and to the up down game till you puke/pass out/have a seizure etc etc. I've been told by a few people its a crappy test in the way that it can be a little hard core. I will have EEG tests (can last for and hour and a half or more my doctor told me), blood tests, MRI, and others I'm sure but I was told the blinking lights would be deff, the stress test on the board, the EEG, the MRI and I already did a blood test but they may want another.
With all this shit going on I'm scared as all hell and I can't handle this for much longer.
But I'm getting all my junk ready for halloween because of how much work is going to go into it.
My girlfriend Aly is going and Harley Quinn and I'm going as Poison Ivy for a costume competition. To make sure I can get the hair JUST right I'm starting to dye it red now. Once october comes I'll have many layers of red highlights for body and depth. I'm starting with a rich auburn then i'm going to highlight lighter reds and strawberry blondes and by october it will also have fire engine red lowlights as well. I wanted more then just one stationary color. I noticed from cartoons and movies and the comics her hair ranges from orange to red hence why I'm doing the layers.
So I am not amused.
Went to the ER for a follow up. I have a cyst on my right ovary as those who read my shit know. And it hurts like hell. So I had a list of "return ASAP if this happens" 3 out of the 6 happened. I called 911. They have more important people to take in and then posted on FB for a ride. Called Shuana who lives down the street. Well Her and Tae both showed up at the same time.... Keep in mind Tae lives father away and they left at the same time... you speed daemon you!
So I go in. They thought it was my appendix. Took a CT scan. Appendix is great. Kidneys good. Bladder fine. Cyst still there... Oh crap pneumonic mass in my left lung. Stuck me over night. I'm showing no signs of pneumonia but they told me I could have walking pneumonia and that it may not show any signs. I have an infection in my bladder. Commonly known as a UTI bladder infection. On meds for it. I was vomiting alot. Got a med for that. My cyst pain went from 8/10 which I can ignore to 10/10 which I started crying, jumped into more pain as Audrey and Scott came to visit and I apparently looked like I was giving birth. So my nurse came, wanted to give me a narcotic. I said no. Doctor came and STRONGLY suggested it... I unhappily accepted. Made me loopy. I was still vomiting. So they gave me anti puke meds into my IV.
They disscharged me ONLY because I came in for abdominal and not for chest issues and I need to see a polmologist/ lung specialist. Soon. They want to find out if its DEFF pneumonia or if its a tumor, cyst, scar tissue etc etc etc. List goes on.
I was told by one doctor it was 100% pneumonia then another said it might be.
I got my blood drawn 3 days in a row AND I got cultures done to be tested for a few things.
Im still in pain. Still nausious but I'll live. Theres not much more they CAN do. But they kept me 2 day to keep watch and see how I progressed.
there's a good 80% chance that I've been fired from my job because I was in the hospital. Apparently it doesn't matter if I'm in the hospital or not I need to personally call out myself and call the 1-800 number. Even if i'm in a coma. I need to take a leave of absence because of all the medical shit going on and apparently I should have taken the time off a month before I went in to the hospital... Now how the hell was I supposed to know I'd be there? And I can't have the ER i went to to do the paper work it has to all be done by my pcp who may not give me the time off because she doesn't know whats going on. Even though the ER told me I should so that I can get more testing done. Awesome. But because I didn't call out while at the ER I'm losing my job. Yay me
So the past couple days I've had a dull pain on my right side. Today would be day 3. After day 2 it turned into a sharp pain. Have you ever had a gas bubble so bad you curled up in a ball until it passed? That's what I thought it was. Then when the pain just kept getting worse I started worrying. My back was hurting too. My thoughts, "Crap my kidney's again."
Well, I was part right. I do have a minor UTI/ low grade kidney infection. But that didn't seem to be the problem. I spent almost 4 hours in the ER. Not waiting at all, lotts of testing. None all to pleasant. After the 4 hours of testing I get my own room because they needed the ER rooms. And after blood work and tests, a few of them someone better be buying me dinner after that.... They decided to do ultra sounds. I thought they were thinking pregnant (possibly tubular). I mentioned my concern and got no answer. That scared me too.
So there opens a new worry. "Well what are you looking for?"
Apparently they needed to look at my Kidney, bladder, ovary and my appendix. Ruled out all but my poor fucking ovary.
Side note after the whole thing there I'm NOT pregnant.
Doctor comes in looking upset and worried. Tells me you have a 2 centimeter cyst on your right ovary. I told him to tell me he was joking. He gave me a sympathetic half smile and told me he wasn't. I had to wait for it to rupture in the next week OR for it to reach 6cm for surgery. He told me it's only going to get more painful as it grows.The ultra sound honestly hurt and that's because of the cyst. They normally don't hurt me, honestly. I asked when I can go back to work because i have work today. He told me I can not go today.
Me:"Tomorrow?" Hopeful look.
Doctor:"I don't suggest it, you should take a few days off"
So I told him write me a doctors note with the ABSOLUTE minimum so I can go back. He hands me back a note that says I have the next 5 days off. Well that scares the shit outta me. I looked and said "THATS MINIMUM?!!"
Afraid so. Apparently it will either burst/rupture by then, or grow larger and they need to look at it before I go back to work.
Honestly it hurts to do anything. Go to the bathroom, pass gas, move, eat, breath in deeply. Any time its moved it hurts. And apparently it can get big enough to get twisted and cause other damages...
I'm researching ovarian cysts and finding way to many different kinds for my likings.
I'm not amused.
I feel so, not like me. I hate feeling awkward around someone because I love them deeply and I know they could never feel the same way about me. I keep it to myself. But it makes me feel odd. And I get depressed. I'm not usually all emo and hate the world. I tried to take on or at least TRY similar interests. I tried going out on dates with other people and it just didn't feel right, because my heart IS taken. Indefinately. And i tried being around you and it just broke my heart. Texting is onething. Talking online doesn't bother me. But having you in my sight talking to me in person, hugging me when I know it means more to me then it does to you... I just CAN'T. It will take me a couple months to get over you. To numb myself and close that part of my heart. I just need time away to think and to do what I personally NEED to do. I love you so much and it's killing me slowly and I can't let that happen. Time heals all wounds? Well... maybe. I guess I will find out. I'm not kicking you out of my life. Text me by all means. Message me online. But I can't see you face to face or I WILL cry. And not the slow tears from me holding back. Oh no. THe heart retching sobs of my heart breaking everytime I see you. I didn't realize HOW MUCH I loved you until I saw you face to face knowing that I will never have you in my life. Not in the way I really want to. So I'm giving up. I'm not going to try any more. I just going to let myself go numb again. I was finally starting to feel again and to open up. I see how much of a mistake that really was. No, its not a mistake knowing you. Just opening my heart to hae it torn out yet again. But then again, I'm used to being hurt. I just have never felt this strongly before. And no, you don't annoy me. I wasn't annoyed. I was suffering and in pain being in your very pressence. It hurts to be near you. It hurts when you put your arm around me and embrace me like nothings changed. You are in love witrh someone else, that changes everything. I would never come between it. So instead I will distance myself until I have squashed my feelings.
