shyfreak's blog: "The Random Things That Run Through My Brain"

Again sorry to all the guys who read this but you know what, I am so sick of men trying to run and control women who can live their lives just as well as a man can. Who says a woman can't have a child and be happy being single, who says a woman can't be pregnant and alone and happy being that way. Who says it's up to the guy who can be a lying cheating scum of the earth to have to be in a child's life or around a person who obviously don't want them around. I am going through alot of hell right now with my best friend and I just can't stop thinking about some of the similarities that she is going through that I have been going through over the last 3 years trying to get my ex out of my life and to move on which I have yet to move on. Not that i don't want to I do I just can't seem to get him to sign the divo papers, and I want a guy who wants me yet can't find one of those either!!!! And anyone who says on here they want me yeah right!!!!!!! Sorry very cinical right now and i have every right to be after what im trying to help my friend through but god she is sooooooooooo strong if i was in her shoes right now I would be so uncontrolably losing it that i wouldn't know what to do but she is such a rock and holding everything together that she amazes me and is sooo my inspiration right now. She is very pregnant due Oct 14th with her 3 child and found out that the man she was living with and thought she knew wasn't the man he seemed, He has done alot to hurt her and the unborn baby she is carring my god child the only other child i think i will ever have in my life!!!! besides the ones i teach, cause lord knows i can't find a guy who wants to have one with me!!! I know im freaken FUGLY but that is beside the point any way back on point I just have to tell anyone who wants to know that my friend is in need of love and support and im trying and if im not around you know where im at but she is a special lady and the best friend in teh world and is a total rock

Sorry to all the guys who read this but right now I'm so not happy! Why is it men can think they can control someones life. I mean come one my ex tries to control my life and now my best friend is dealing with shit she shouldn't my god she just found out that the man she has been dating is cheating on her and she is 5 months pregnant with his child how could someone who supposedly loves someone do that. Control them and tell them that they love them and then turn around and cheat on them and think it's all a big joke omg you get someone pregnant you deal with it you don't cheat on them. Sorry im ranting but im so mad right now and i can't do anything about it other then sit her and be with her cause i don't want her alone. and it sucks cause im trying to move on with my life and we are both dealing with the same thing

Life is growing never changing. Nothing stays the same. Happiness is just a game everyone wishes they had. Joy and tears are all I can feel, yet they come instride. Why does it hurt so much to want to be, why do I feel this pain. To want so much to be a me that I can only see. To have someone really see me is just a joke. For you see if you see me you are seeing a ghost. A shell of someone who once lead of life of happiness and love. Who now leads a life of tears and fears. Will I have the precious life I once had though I deserved, or am I doomed to this utter dispear. To live my life of only halves and stares. To be hole and be so free it’s all just a dream. Ok so my poetry sucks but you know what I figured out the funk that I am in and I am feeling so much more myself since realizing that I am me and me alone and no one can complete me but me and it doesn’t help that I lost my little girl 5 years ago this week!!! It creeps up on you and just hits you that when you meet a precious child and hear a beat of a heart and feel the movement of that specially little person then to lose that in a day is the worst thing you can feel. There is no one who knows what it’s like to lose the one thing that means the world to you. Yeah everyone goes through it and every one feels that way but for each person it is different and unquie and the feelings are different and strange for everyone and the life that you lose it is apart of you and you alone. To want to hold that precious soul to breath every breath for that special little person to nuture and help that little person grow till they are grown is nothing in comperison to losing that little person after you hear a heart beat feel a foot kick. Her birthday would be August 15th or there abouts but she never got to live. She Died April 2nd.............

I just can't take it my brain needs to stop thinking I really am in a off mood lately. I am just tired of living the life that I am. I have a wonderful son however his dad well thats another story I am stuck dealing with him he gave me a seperation but won't sign the papers till my son is 18 so I am stuck having to deal with him on everything and it's not fair I can't do what I want to which is just go away right now. I want to find someone who wants me for me someone to be my friend and my lover! Just once I want someone to want me for me! I can't and i don't think i ever will I'm not pretty I'm not a super model I'm just me!!!!! Why can't i just stop why can't I find someone who wants me for me and wants to care about me I'm almost 31 years old and yeah can honestly say I made the biggest mistake of my life marrying my son's father because i didn't love him and never fell inlove with him but i married him for my son now i want to love and i can't find it cause i am me and im an ugly me and ppl tell me that all the time especially my ex so it has to be true

Ok so something is wrong in my world lately!!!!!!! I just have no clue what is going on my mood is funky and I'm just not my normal happy self. It really does suck. It just feels like I'm a door mat and I have the word SUCKER tattoed accross my forehead which I know I have both those words there somewhere. I know I'm not pretty or cute or anything like that but why can't I find someone who wants me for me. Doesn't hit on me we meet then want my friends!!!!!!! OK like I said I'm not pretty or anything like that but it hurts it kills actually. I already have self esteem issues and I already know no one wants me for me because when I let ppl see the real me the me inside the one no one really sees cause it would scare them then i get hurt all over again cause I'm not 90pds and Im not tall and I have had a beautiful child who i love and care about and he is the most important thing in my world and at present time the only man in my life he is the only one who loves me!!! and he only has to cause i gave birth to him trust me he has alot of little girls after him who he lets chase him he knows he's cute and plays the field what a kid i have. But he's it and it's cause he has to. Anyway enough of my mood i need to drink

Ok so yesterday i did alot of venting because of course im an idiot!!! You have to understand i am very shy around ppl i don't know and it does take me awhile to get to know ppl so anyway I was venting about my volleyball doubles partner last night. We have been friends for years and played as partners for the last 2 years and we flirt alot its what we do and i have a rule that i won't sleep with a guy i play ball with so yeah why i hit on him i have no clue but it was worth a shot to me come on now we have a funny relationship however its more like friends then anything and yeah i was sooooooo stupid last night but im soooooooo tired of being without an FWB but the thing is I can't find one what the hell is wrong with me and i that fugly or what.. The only guys i hang out with are the ones i play ball with and that stupid rule i have i won't do it that and omg the guys i play ball with are either gay, dating someone, or too hung up on themselves to even contimplate have a FWB that and they know my ex and yuck don't want him to know that. I do have to say though that the lack of a sex life is doing my writing well I have two books full of what i write when my brain is full so that is something

Ok so yeah I'm working yet again!!!! Gotta love my life so wtf is new with that one. I have a guy stop by my work right and yeah its him and me and no one else ya think something might happen soooooooooo not wtf is wrong with me?? Honestly I have no clue no necking absolutely nothing he just drops dinner off gee thanksssssssssssssssssssss Hello I'm alone at work and yes there are places to get comfy at work do you think something would happen I kinda hoped it would hell he offered to bring me dinner I was thinking ok dinner hmmmm you gotta use imagination where i was thinking and yeah i got the lets not ruin the friendship speach well jeapers creapers it's been 3 freaken years almost hello i don't care i need to get laid seriously before im old and grey and by the looks of it im not gonna hook up with any one that knows me and i can't freaken meet a guy to save my ass so yeah life pretty much sucks

Ok so this is about random things that run through my brain and they are really random at times. Like right now I can't stand the fact that I'm working three jobs 2 coaching jobs and a teaching job to pay the bills so that i can live my life on my own. So yeah my life is sucky as shit no time for a man or a life and when i do find a man I can't seem to find time because I'm so freaken busy. When I do find time I can't seem to find a guy so yeah one i need a man and two i gotta find one that is willing to work with my schedule. I have been seperated for almost 3 years and haven't had sex in about that long so yeah im really lagging right now in alot of things It's so bad right now

Ok so this isn't gonna be no fancy blog type of thing I just get a lot of random thoughts in my head sometimes and i have to let them out. I mean there is sometimes that i can't keep them all in my head so that is what this will be