RickyPhoenix's blog: "The Phoenix Chronicles"

I've been around this page site long enough but I wanted to do a little something fun around here. So this message is for all of the ladies here...I'd like to rip at least one photo from those on my friends, family or fans list for this special album. Just send me a message or a shout to let me know you want in. Thanks 4 the time and take care of yourselves.

A few hours away from becoming a year older and I've had to look an emotion in the eye that I have been at odds with for the last couple of years. I know it's a lame ass way to put it but it's the only way I can really think of it. I've hashed over this over and over and I'm still no closer to anything that could make sense of this. This thing called...l*** or whatever the hell it's supposed to be...I just don't fucking get it anymore. I refuse to say the word because it just makes me absolutely sick. I can see clear as day that it exists for just about everyone else around me. When it comes to me however it's either one messed up joke I don't get or it's done with me completely. The last time I even tried to open myself up, to be that "naked", I simply wasn't good enough and I lost her to someone else...again. For the first time however I wasn't sad, just angry, heartbroken and, for the first time, completely disillusioned. I just looked at myself and asked what is this really worth? I'm a decent man and yet this is the end result almost every time. Never mind the reasons behind any of those, either being valid and the typical "Stall Tactics 101" bullshit. Whatever the case I'm not raking any of those women over the coals with this...things happened and there's nothing I could've done to change any of that. Christ that sucks so much whenever I think about it. But now it's time to get back to the point of this matter. I just don't know what to do about any of this and the thing that amazes me is the things that have been said to me about this subject. From the whole "you're a nice guy, you'll find someone, you deserve it" mess...before I get the backlash I know anyone that actually said that meant it. It's just really tough to handle it when I just keep falling short time after time again. Then there is the new phrase I've been hearing lately "maybe you should give up dating". The catch...every person that's said that to me is ALREADY IN A FUCKING RELATIONSHIP! Are you kidding me!? I mean, being told to throw in the towel from people who don't have that problem anymore seems just wrong. Being told to just give up and walk away with all of this weighing on me...making me question everything I actually care about an believe in is just messed up beyond everything I can think of. Then again they aren't the ones walking around with a gaping hole in their heart. Then again they could have a point, I don't know. I've been burned and heartbroken so many times there are points that I just want to go out and see how many of the ten commandments I can break before something bad happens. There are even moments where I want to just want to tell l*** to go fuck itself for all of the pain and havoc that it's wreaked on my life. The problem: I know what I'm like when I even been close to any those things. Going down that road caused a lot of my problems in the first place although trying to turn any of those things around didn't do me any good. I won't do that again but what else is there? I've prayed, talked, done almost everything right and this is the end result? That's not good enough, not for me and not anymore. So where do I go from here...I don't have a clue. Going forward like this will tear me to pieces, that much I know. Turning my back on the one of the few things I hold close to my heart and believe in will be something I'll never forgive myself for. This is the one thing I thought I would never face and, with no kind of answer or glimpse of things getting better in sight, this is one of the toughest things I've ever had to face. It's more than relationships and women, it's about the way I look and lived my life. I keep going like this and I know that I'll be worse for wear but I can still look at myself straight. Giving up on l*** however will take this insane weight from me but I'll turn into something worse. This is one choice I thought I would never have to make...apparently I have no choice. Whomever among my friends is praying and pulling for me out there keep it up, I'll need all the help I can get. Let's just hope that when I turn 28 things will be much better and many miles from where I am now...

With the passing of George Carlin, whom I consider one of the smartest comedians of any time, I decided to put up my favorite bit up on my blog. Before anyone gets a little hot and bothered with this one...it's just comedy! If you can't laugh...eh, then that's your issue. Make the Lord laugh George.

I've kept another blog about some more public things that get my attention or anything else. This blog is of a more serious issue and I thought I would share this with all of you. Leave some comments and let me know what you think. http://phoenixfire81.blogspot.com/2008/01/for-heavens-sake.html

In between everything that's been happening (working, job and apartment hunting, arguing, etc.) I'm starting to feel like I've become more of a stranger not only to myself but to nearly everyone else I know. I really don't know how to explain it but it's just that I feel like I've evolved so much after standing up to those that deserved it, making better choices and overall just trying to be a decent person. At the same time though I've been struggling with some of the problems that I'm dealing with that I haven't exactly been able to conquer on my own. I've tried to talk to people that I see about this but some of them either they feel helpless or they simply have no idea what to do or say. On the other hand the few people, and I do mean few, that can actually understand and actually try to talk to me about it live nowhere near me. It's nice to be able to talk to people but it would do me more good if I could look at them face to face sometimes. I just feel like I'm stuck on the other side of the wall in the middle of the road. Right now I'm in a place no one deserves to be; I feel like I'm busting my ass and doing everything humanly possible (except making the same mistakes I have before) to try and turn things around for me. At the end of the day I go to bed with almost nothing accomplished, more questions than answers and one thought constantly going through my head: "Things have got to get better." Then, sometimes, I get small glimpses of what my life can actually be like, where my life was before. The days when I actually smiled from the time I woke up, nothing really getting to me, I could actually have a good time with my friends, have someone by my side that I love, look at myself straight and be proud of who I am. I had that kind of life before but it slipped away from me. I just hope that if I ever get a second chance at that life again, God willing, I won't make the same mistakes again. I'll make it count and live up to who I can actually be, better than I am.

This morning the students, faculty and family of Virginia Tech were the victims of the worst shooting incident in U.S. History. Since all of the details are still coming I won't begin to mention them. Instead I ask everyone to send their thoughts and prayers for the lives lost in this senseless tragedy, to the families and friends that have a long road of recovery to go, and to the hope that nothing like this ever happens to anyone we know, much less again.

For anyone that knows me they know the next seven days won't be all that fun for me. I finally found a quote that expresses how I feel about one day next week, especially after the past year from my eyes: Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. -Sydney J. Harris

Your Life: The Soundtrack Opening credits: Undercover-Pete Yorn Waking up: In Time-Mark Collie Average day: One of Those Days-"Weird Al" Yankovic First date: Listen to Yiour Heart-Little River Band Falling in love: Nothing Else Matters-Metallica Love scene: Slow Chemical-Finger Eleven Fight scene: Ten Thousand Fists-Disturbed Breaking up: Broken-Seether Getting back together: Someday-Nickelback Secret love: Every Little Thing She Does-The Police Life's okay: Right Before Your Eyes-Hoobastank Mental breakdown: Somebody Else-Bleu Driving: Take Five-Dave Brubeck Learning a lesson: One Thing-Finger Eleven Deep thought: Touche-Godsmack Flashback: No Such Thing-John Mayer Partying: Sledge Hammer-Peter Gabriel Happy dance: Not Gonna Get Us-t.A.T.u Regreting: It's Been Awhile-Staind Long night alone: Leather-Tori Amos Death scene: Bother-Stone Sour Closing credits: I'm Still Here-John Reznik Take this survey | Find more surveys You've been totally Bzoink*d

This Friday, Dec. 8th, Rev. Fred Phelps and his merry gang of hateful, maggot-munching, Anti-Gay, Anti-Soldiers will be in Baltimore to protest a speech given by Matthew Shepard's mother. This is a quote from Phelp's page, www.godhatesfags.com: "Baltimore School for the Arts 712 Cathedral St. This is for the Laramie Project, a film made by fags for fags about fags in support of the homosexual agenda. These fags have made Matthew Shepard their poster boy for an alleged hate crime when he was killed by two men that wanted drug money from Matt. He was not the victim of a hate crime but a fool who smoked pot and didn't pay for it. Matt's mother, Judy, has made it her business to promote the fag agenda for the small price of $10,000 per gig, to speak to fags and teenagers about becoming practicing fags. She sent Matt to Hell, and makes money off his death, thus pimping him. See www.signmovies.net videos on "Fag Pimp Judy" and "Matt in Hell." For an update on how many days Matt has been in Hell, see www.godhatesfags.com "Memorial" section after clicking on the yield sign." It is Dec. 8th from 6:15-7 PM. They will be back on the 9th from 1:15-2 PM. We need to shut these bastards down. Please, please, please, if you can be there to counter their protest, do so. These are vile, disgusting, horrible people with no idea as to how the world works. If you think that everyone in this country should be free, that soldiers should not have their funeral's protested, or that Christians are not all hateful bastards, then let's show these pigfuckers what the deal is.