In between everything that's been happening (working, job and apartment hunting, arguing, etc.) I'm starting to feel like I've become more of a stranger not only to myself but to nearly everyone else I know. I really don't know how to explain it but it's just that I feel like I've evolved so much after standing up to those that deserved it, making better choices and overall just trying to be a decent person. At the same time though I've been struggling with some of the problems that I'm dealing with that I haven't exactly been able to conquer on my own. I've tried to talk to people that I see about this but some of them either they feel helpless or they simply have no idea what to do or say. On the other hand the few people, and I do mean few, that can actually understand and actually try to talk to me about it live nowhere near me. It's nice to be able to talk to people but it would do me more good if I could look at them face to face sometimes.
I just feel like I'm stuck on the other side of the wall in the middle of the road. Right now I'm in a place no one deserves to be; I feel like I'm busting my ass and doing everything humanly possible (except making the same mistakes I have before) to try and turn things around for me. At the end of the day I go to bed with almost nothing accomplished, more questions than answers and one thought constantly going through my head: "Things have got to get better." Then, sometimes, I get small glimpses of what my life can actually be like, where my life was before. The days when I actually smiled from the time I woke up, nothing really getting to me, I could actually have a good time with my friends, have someone by my side that I love, look at myself straight and be proud of who I am.
I had that kind of life before but it slipped away from me. I just hope that if I ever get a second chance at that life again, God willing, I won't make the same mistakes again. I'll make it count and live up to who I can actually be, better than I am.
