The Jaded One's blog: "Stuff that makes me laugh"

There were two extremely unhappy dogs, a collie and a cocker spaniel, in a vets office. "So what are you here for?", the collie said to the cocker spaniel. "Oh, I'm here because my master's mad at me for pissing on the carpet, he's going to put me to sleep" "Really?", said the collie, "My master's going to put me to sleep too, I keep crapping in his shoes". The two dogs were hanging their heads and bemoaning their fate when a german shepherd is put in a cage next to them. "What are you here for?" said the cocker spaniel. "Well, my mistress was coming out of taking a shower, and bent over to pick up her towel, well, I just couldn't resist myself, so I mounted her. "You did!" said the collie, " So, is she putting you to sleep too?" "Oh no!" said the german shepherd" I'm just getting my nails trimmed".

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning: "Ohh, I need a bike! Ahh, I need a bike!"

Two winos, Billy and Rick, woke up in an alley with a DIRE need for a drink, but found they only had 80 cents between the two of them. "Say, I got an idea!" said Rick. He used the money to buy a hotdog from a street vendor, then pulled Billy in a corner bar and ordered a round of bourbon. After downing them, seeing the bartender heading their way with the bill, Rick quickly inserted the hot dog in Billy's fly and began to suck on one end of it. "Get the fuck outta here, you goddamn fags!" shouted the bartender. This worked equally as well at the next bar, the next, and all day-when they finally crawled back into the alley, dead drunk. "Ya see what ya can do with a hotdog?!" slurred Rick cheerfully. "What hotdog?" laughed Billy. "We lost the hot dog after the third bar!"

A woman getting married for the fourth time visited a tailor to get a wedding dress made. When the tailor inquired about the color, the bride-to-be said "White". The tailor was a bit suprised by this, and said, "Excuse me, I don't mean to pry, but since white is the color traditionally worn by a virgin on her wedding night, I can't help wondering if you might still be a virgin? How could that be?" The woman replied, "I'm sorry to say, but that's the way it is. You see, my first husband was a psychologist. He just wanted to talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. He just wanted to look. My third husband was a stamp collector. God, I miss him..."

A guy walks into a bat with an alligator on a leash. The bartender tells the man that he cannot bring such a dangerous animal into the bar. The man assures him that the gator is completely tame and offers a demonstration. He opens the gator's mouth, places his penis inside and closes it. He then beats the alligator on the head with a stick. Then, he gently opens the gator's mouth, removes his penis and shows it to the crowd. There wasn't a scratch on it. He turns and says, "Now would anyone else like to try?" A little old women raises her hand and says, "Yes I would, but please don't hit me on the head with the stick."

Little Johnny was a foul mouthed little kindergardner. The teacher, Mrs. Smith, didn't like talking to him or calling on him because every time he opened his mouth he ended up in the principles office. One week Mrs. Smith was teaching about the five senses. On Wednesday was Taste. She brought in three meat dishes. All the kids had blindfolds and each got a piece of meat of the first plate. Mrs Smith asked "Can anyone tell me what kind of meat that was?" Nobody raised their hand except Johnny. Against her better judgement she said OK Johnny. He said "That was Beef". Then came the second plate. Mrs Smith again asked "Can anyone tell me what kind of meat that was?" Again, nobody raised their hand except Johnny. She asked if anybody else know the answer thinking that one good answer from Johnny was about all she could expect. Still no hands. Against her better judgement she said OK Johnny. He said "That was Chicken". Then came the third and final plate. Mrs Smith passed out the meat and again asked "Can anyone tell me what kind of meat that was?" Nobody raised their hand. She said "OK I'll give you a hint. What does your mom call your dad when he comes home at night? Johnny jumps up and screams "quick spit it out, its ASSHOLE"

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand.... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on. When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!" One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!" Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." And the doctor said, "Look, mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend, so get yourself a dog."

NEW DELHI (Reuters) - Condoms designed to meet international size specifications are too big for many Indian men as their penises fall short of what manufacturers had anticipated, an Indian study has found. The Indian Council of Medical Research, a leading state-run center, said its initial findings from a two-year study showed 60 percent of men in the financial capital Mumbai had penises about 2.4 cm (one inch) shorter than those condoms catered for. For a further 30 percent, the difference was at least 5 cm (two inches). A poor fit meant the prophylactics often didn't do the job they were bought for, and led to some tearing or slipping off during use. "One of the reasons for a failure of up to 20 percent (of condoms) is the association of the size of the condom to the erect penis," the council's Dr. Chander Puri told Reuters, adding another reason was couples often put them on in a hurry. Puri said many men in India, which has the world's highest HIV positive caseload, were too shy to ask for condoms. "We need more vending machines for condoms of different sizes so people can pick a condom with confidence that is suited to their needs," he said. The Times of India reported the ICMR survey had studied 1,400 men between 18-50 years of age in cities like Mumbai and New Delhi as well as in rural areas in a report. It entitled its story "Indian men don't measure up."

Bad Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all Yeer. yer Frend, BiLLy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frickin book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody. Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?? Santa ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do?? Love Teddy Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie. Santa ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?? Your friend, Thomas Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa

Dr. Phil was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turns to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."