The Jaded One's blog: "Stuff that makes me laugh"

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!" "Amen," replied the congregation.

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. 2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. 3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants. 4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly. 5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit! 6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa." 7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home. 8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive. 9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off. 10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :(" 11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime." 12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections. 13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire. 14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun. 15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house. 16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear. 17. Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill. 18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue for personal injury. 19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. 20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us.

8. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!" 7. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes 6. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling. 5. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing. 4. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed. 3. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the stupid list 2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown." 1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married this couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. In conversation while waiting they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone ever asked. "Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sits for a couple of months and in conversation they begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?, " they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, " you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "Whats wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Jeez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?"

After having their 11th child, a U.S. Marine and his wife decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger house on their housing allowance. So the Marine went to sick call and told the doctor that he and his wife didn't want anymore children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but due to cost-cutting, the base hospital no longer performed that procedure. The Marine could have it done off base, at his own expense, said the doctor, but it could be very expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Marine said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor. So, the man went home, lit the cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand. This procedure also works with most soldiers, some sailors, and a few airmen.

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic syphilis, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man." says the Major. He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic piles, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man." says the Major. He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic gum disease, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"

Little Johnny came in from school and asked if he could take his dog, Molly, for a walk. "You can't dear, Molly's in heat," said the mother. "What's heat, Momma?" asked Johnny. "Your dad is out in the garage. You better go ask him," said Momma. "Hey Daddy, I want to take Molly for a walk, but Momma says I can't cause she's in heat. What's heat?" His dad was cleaning his tools in some gasoline. He took a rag, dipped it in the gasoline and rubbed it all over Molly's rear end. "Don't worry about it, son. This will fix her." With that, Little Johnny took Molly for the walk. About twenty minutes later he returned without the dog. "Where's Molly?" his dad asked. "She ran out of gas about two blocks away, Daddy," answered Little Johnny, "But don't worry: one of the neighbor's dogs is pushing her home."

There's this kid who lives on a farm. He comes home from school in a really bad mood. He sees a pig and kicks it. Then he sees a chicken and kicks that. Then he walks into the house. "I saw you kick those animals," his mother said. "For kicking the pig, you'll have no bacon for a week. For kicking the chicken, you'll have no eggs for a week." The kid's about to say something, when his father walks in the door, also in a foul mood, and kicks the cat. The kid says to his mother, "You want to tell him, or should I?"

A cat and a horse are walking through the forest. Suddenly the cat slips into a pit of quicksand. "Help me Ed!", says the cat, "Quick, run home, get the ferari, cruise back here tie a rope to the back and throw It in so you can pull me out." "No way.", exclaimed the horse, "There isn't enough time. I'll back up, get a running start, jump over the pit while my dick drags in the quicksand. You can grab it and I'll pull you out." "That'll never work!", said the cat. "Well dude, you're sinking fast, you don't have much of a choice." "OK, dude, go for it." The horse backed up and ran toward the pit. At the last second, he jumped and let his dick drag in the quicksand. As it passed the cat, the cat grabbed it and, miraculously, was pulled out of the quicksand. The moral of this story? If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a ferrari to get a little pussy.