raggety ann's blog: "Sleepless nights"

I haven't really explained the relationship I had with my husband, so here goes nothing..... We got together when I was 16, he moved in with me and my parents. He was a drunk back then...I guess I thought I could change him. We have been through seven long years of drinking, lying, verbal and mental abuse, and a whole lot of "baby I promise I will change." I even gave him another chance when he cheated on me with one of my friends. (boy was I a dumbass!) Sometime in the month of May I grew a backbone. I started standing up for myself and my son and telling my husband how it was going to be. Well it didn't help. On the 4th of July he flipped out and started breaking shit and scared the piss out of me and my son... so I kicked him out and got an O.P. I ended up dropping it because I wanted him to see his son...it doesn't matter, he rarely comes. But the other night he tried to tell me he loved me, then he called me in the middle of the night to talk. He was like, "I love you but I dont know if we can make things work again." Blah, Blah, Blah.... Then he says, "I don't think I can trust you ever again!" WHAT?!! WHOA!!! That was a slap in the face. Trust me? for seven years you lied, cheated, snuck out, degrated me, scared the piss out of me....and for all that I forgave you and gave you my trust back. I was like "Think about what you are saying." How dare him blame me for what his alcohol abuse caused...no way Well that was my wake up call. A good friend told me I would wake up one morning and be like, "What the hell was I trippin for anyway?" It happened this morning. And this is the best day I have had in along time..... cause......TODAY WILL BE A BETTER DAY

I feel another sleepless night coming on. It's 2 in the morning and I'm still up..on the computer. It's hard to sleep alone, I guess I'm just not used to it yet. I have shared my bed with the same man for 7 years and now nothing, but emptyness. Well my son sleeps with me but the occasional foot of a 4 year old kicking me in the back side does not compare....... I know eventually it will get easier, but that doesn't help me with the here and now. Sometimes I wish somebody could tell me what to do, just something to make this a little bit easier....No I take that back! I think too much advice is what is making everything worse. I have friends who want to see him stay, I have friends who want to see him go, and then there are those who say they are my "friends" but have their own personal stake in how my marriage ends up. This is why my world is so FUCKED UP right now! I don't know which way is up and i feel like i am being pulled in 20 different directions. I don't even think I can sort my own feelings out at this point. Damn this sucks......the only thing you have time to do is think.....on these sleepless nights....................