Kinkstar Sin's blog: "Sin's Domain"

ok, i'm officially done. joking about past drama is fine, but anyone that tries to get me involved in ongoing or new lounge drama will be blocked. i have real life issues to deal with, whether some of you choose to believe it or not.

i will not sit here and listen to anyone badmouth me or my friends. i will not listen to ramblings or insults. i have started and will continue to block people for this.

i go into what lounge i choose, i invite friends (holy shit, yes i have friends) to whatever lounge i choose to. my friends are not subjects to a lounge kingdom. they are people. they will go where they choose. some of them choose to follow me to keep in touch with me inside whatever lounge i am in. some of them find homes in other lounges.

i don't care if someone pissed in your cheerios this morning. i don't care if you think i'm an attention whore. i don't care if you think i'm ignoring you (which ninety percent of the time i'm not - i just have other things that require my attention). i don't care if you think your lounge is the hottest thing since sliced bread. i don't care about loyalty tests, i have no reason to remain loyal to a lounge, it's not a country. i don't care about arguments that you start.

This was all written because of a past lounge that i was in. A situation i will never be in again. People that are in that lounge still, i don't want you holding this against anyone. People that have left this lounge already, please do not bring the drama to this blog. I am done, please respect this. The reason i am writing this all out though is because the next time someone involves me in this type of drama, i will simply link this to them and move on.

to those that have no idea what i'm talking about... you've apparently never been in a controlling lounge. if you lounge, be careful which you choose to make your home.

~sin

there are things i can control and things i can't.

things i can control: my actions when calm. whether or not i take my medications on time. whether or not i eat. picking music to listen to or not listening to it. taking a shower. going to therapy. whether or not i give up on myself.

things i can't control: the actions of others. the words of others. who i love. my family. my confusion.

things i will control in time: whether or not i am calm enough to control my actions. my paranoid thinking patterns (personalization). my living situation. my life. my emotions.

things i wish i could control but know i never will: things he says about his ex. how far away he is. when i will see him again. the actions of those closest to me when they will only cause pain.

~sin

This was written probably nine months ago, i typed it out once and lost it. i was living with mom already for a couple months by then. i read through it because the beginning was what i felt, i'm typing it because the rest reminded me that i don't always feel this way, figured i'd post it this time. (******** and @@@@@ used because i'm still not telling you all my name - even if you guess it)

i am frustrated, irritated, annoyed. i am sad, depressed, vacant. i am scared, hopeless, and overwhelmed. mom keeps blaming me for everything. she takes no responsibility for her situation. i am the "instigator," the scapegoat, i am the "root of all that is undesirable" in her kingdom.

i try to help the kids. i keep them focused when it is time for them to do homework and chores. i listen when they are frustrasted, upset, angry. i try to mediate when they can't deal with mom.

i am quick-tempered. i am alone. i am trapped by my fears, my emotions, my protective instincts, my financial situation. there may as well be iron bars on the doors and windows, i would be no less able to escape.

i am mom's disappointment. i am her burden. i am no longer her daughter, only an afterthought. something to be dealt with when she feels a need to control something since her own life is out of reach.

i am *******'s soulless body. i am her black-hole heart. i am her dark essence. i am all that is painful, destructive, vile.

i lash out to keep from crying. sometimes i cry afterwards. sometimes i cannot cry.

i am self-aware but i do not have self control. i am *******'s fragmented mind. i want to be done. i am tired of trying medications. i am tired of trying and not only getting nowhere, but being pushed back down.

i am *******'s lack of hope, of faith, of self-worth. i am the one that extinguishes the light at the end of her tunnels. i am her self-loathing, her disappointment, her archenemy. i am the black hole that eats her life force, and her will to live.

i think i watched fight club too recently. "I am Jack's spleen."

society frowns on people who are openly sexual. they - as a whole - have less respect for strippers, prostitutes, et cetera. i used to go on my webcam, broadcasting nude, performing sexual acts, at times getting paid for it. the men and women watching, whether my broadcast was sexual in nature or simply nude with conversations about life (relationships, jobs, families, finances), they showed me more respect than i receive from my mother. i cannot respect one that continually shows me disrespect. I am *******'s self respect. i am Sin. i am the trick candle at the end of the tunnel that keeps relighting. 

i am sin. i am a good listener. i am a good problem solver. i am a driving force for others, but never myself.

mom says i am selfish, self-centered. i think those terms carry a connotation of greed. greed for attention. i am not looking to receive, but if i try to avoid something i see as negative, that is how she refers to me. i am *******'s desire to feel emotionally safe.

i am Sinamyn Lee. or just sin. i am *******'s sense of self, her separation from familial control. i am her ability to enjoy life. i write her poetry. i express her emotions in a safe manner, and her sexuality. i am her logic, her empowered sense of self. i am her safe-haven, her escape and her "rock." i am her stability. i am fading in this environment.

i am her social planner and the one who executes those plans. i am the one who has fun, who dances, who sings. i am sin. uninhibited. alive. i live the life that ******* barely survives. i am the self confidence that attracts people. i am the empathic soul that attracts trust. i am the vinyl, the whore red lipstick. i am the one who redefines *******'s sense of beauty and her ability to portray it.

i am sin. i am creative, i am an extrovert, exhibitionist, both sexually and masochistically.

i am ******* again, and i am tired. i am alone in a room full of people. the sound is overwhelming, frightening. i try to block it out, withdrawing into myself. i focus on familiar things, a neckace i am wearing, a memory of a comforting voice. i am lost when i am alone. i cannot find my way back to anywhere i feel safe.

i become @@@@@. i talk to my bear. he comforts me. i cry, and ask him what i'm supposed to do. i am *******'s regression. i talk as a child, act as one. i try to simplify my surroundings by behaving as though i understand only what a small child would, and opening my imagination to fill in the spaces that should be filled by more "involved" or "mature" reality.

i am @@@@@. i am *******'s inability to accept logic or emotion more than sadness or contentment. i am also her unconditional love. i am her utopian ideal.

i am almost never more than one at a time. unfortunately i will switch without warning, most times without an easily identified trigger. i am always aware of which i am. i am always aware of the other pieces of me. i don't know how to consciously change them, nor combine them. i am *******, i am sin, i am @@@@@.

it's five am. the sun will come up soon. i will go to sleep.

 

so that's all there was to it. i figured i'd share. i have no shared. i'm now going to crawl back into my shell.

~sin

Skud has autos on!

Skud☠Metal☠Grey {Savage Executioner @ The Gallows}

@ fubar

now go rate his ass and level him, and level you while you're at it! he's only level 21 right now, help a guy out!

~Sin

i really didn't want to be asking for anything that actually costs money on this site, but i'd really like a vip if anyone feels so inclined. i don't have the ability to upload any new pics which sucks because my red hair looks fucking awesome and i only have like 5 pics with it, i also can't rip any salutes or pictures that my friends have made for me :( really i just want it for the picture upload space... whoever gets it for me will get as many 11's as i can use on them for at least the first two weeks and i'll add them to family for their generosity which basically just gives you access to my famliy only blogs. there's pictures that are family only but that's SO not a fuckin reason to get me a vip, if all you're interested in is naked pics, don't bother, i will remove you from family if you're a dick regardless of the vip.

~Sin

Hey all. seriously i still hate this new blog posting style. i really wish there was an "old crappy version" thing to click. If you're the type to read "cry for attention" in people's blog posts, skip to the last paragraph before bothering with the rest. This is for the people that give a shit, and ONLY for them, if you don't give a shit, close the blog.

anyhow, i'm out of the mental hospital again. i went in before i tried to kill myself this time, figured it'd be a nice change of pace. the first night sucked. i was in the emergency room for 7 hours before they gave me any type of medication. my nails were literally digging into the flesh of my arms to the point that it bled. i still have little fucking half moon scabs on my arm that i pick at because i hate having them. you'd think i'd learn it'd heal faster if i didn't pick at it. i never claimed to be good at learning that shit.

anyhow, like 7 hours in when i said to the nurse that someone needed to get me anti-anxiety meds because i was losing it, she said she'd let someone know, i told her to let anyone know that she wanted but at the rate they were getting shit done there would be pools of  blood on the floor by the time i got meds. i had my meds within in minutes. i should have started with that fuckin line.

so i was in for like a week again. they added borderline personality disorder to my diagnosis. yay me. took me a bit to figure out if they were adding it or changing it from bipolar, but given the meds i'm on, i'm thinking i had bipolar to start, developed borderline and the two caused the anxieties and agoraphobia.... go me! fuckers.

i say fuckers like i'm blaming someone for it, or the doctors or something. the "fuckers" is directed at my disorders. seriously i'm beyond feeling at a loss or self pity because of them, i'm just fucking pissed off at them. at least with the current diagnosis, a change of treatment is in order. perhaps the dialectical behavioural treatment will help something. it gives me a little more hope that something will work because the meds and the previous psychological treatments weren't doing enough. obviously. or i wouldn't have been back inpatient.

anyway, that's my fucking week, that's where i was and where i am now. if any of you have any experience with friends/family/personal experience with BPD or DBT, please send me a msg, honestly investing the time researching BPD that i spent researching bipolar disorder would take years, and i just don't have that kinda time to spend researching when i should be spending the time on my treatments.

 

For those of you that view this post as a cry for attention, i assure you, i got quite enough of that this past week. i don't  need it from you. I would have posted it as family only but as i don't have the ability to move people in and out of my family since my vip expired (and therefore i don't have as many "family" slots) i'm just going to trust that some of you drama whores can keep your bullshit to yourselves.

~Sin

This isn't my usual blog type, but then I haven't been my usual me this month. Please, if you're going to read it, keep in mind that I wrote this for me, only the last paragraph is for the rest of you. I do so love you all, and I hope the mushiness will not make you think less of me ;)

I had this habit of settling for things. I settled for jobs i didn't care about, apartments i didn't want, and relationships that lacked passion. I'd watch people that were happy with their lives and see that they settled for something and figured that maybe settling was what worked. It's not though. They may have settled on one thing, but they didn't settle on everything.

So maybe they didn't have the house they wanted; they still had a husband they didnt want to live without and a job they felt was worth something. If they had a job they hated, they still had the love they needed and the lifestyle they wished for. If they didn't have the passion in their marriage, it was because they cared more about the other aspects of their life and their wife or husband was in the same mindset as far as that took them.

Me, I'm tired of settling. I was going to kill myself last month. I took the cowardly way - the pills, but it was quite enough had I not changed my own mind on the subject. During my time at the mental hospital, i found new ways to deal with my stress, with my depressions, anxieties. Yay? They all still exist, and I try my hardest to get through it. There are still times when I think I made the wrong decision changing my mind. It's okay though, I make it through those days too now.

I realized after I got out, that I won't settle for everything anymore. The one aspect of my life I can not settle on is the storybook passion. I finally found something I want and I won't let go of. I found passion with someone that I love. Unfortunately, I am still settling right now. I've always hated the concept of long distance relationships. The distance isn't that far, but given that neither of us drive, nor have the money to travel, the distance is currently insurmountable.

I know, it's not "healthy" to feel so much for someone that I've spent so little time with in person. It's not "healthy" to let myself get my hopes up about any sort of future with someone I can barely talk to now because of living situations. I cry sometimes, because it hurts to be this far knowing there's someone I feel this way about, knowing that I can't pull him close to me and wrap his arms around me when I feel alone. Being with him made me feel alive again, safe again.

I know, no matter what happens in my life and my future though, I will not settle for lack of passion in my life. Even in such a short time, he's shown me I need passion; I need to feel as though the world beneath my feet trembles at the thought of my love as well as my lust. I need beauty, passion and love. I can settle for a crappy job, for a crappy house, in a town I hate as long as I have someone I can't live without by my side. I would follow him to hell and back right now, and if he chooses to go alone, I will not settle for anything less than someone I would follow once again.

Love your life. Find out what it is that is most important in your world. Reach for it with both hands, and even if it cuts into your fucking arms until you believe you will bleed to death, don't stop reaching for it. Life without living is pointless. Find out what makes you "live" and never settle for being without it.

~Sin

I see they changed the blog thing. that fucking sucks.

Anyway... I hate that sometimes i want to say things and nothing comes out and other times, everything else comes out other than what i want to say. i know this is probably not making sense and i'm completely okay with that. I know some of you actually read these things, and some of you actually talk to me... you all already know i rarely make sense for long periods of time.

So anyway, I've been trying to figure out how to get certain things out of my mouth when they're all i think about, and yet for some reason it just never works. I want so badly to just scream. I think if i did that when i wanted to, i'd be back in the looney bin faster than i care to admit.

I miss feeling like i have control. i don't think i've ever had complete control over my life, but usually i had some semblance of control over my craziness. i'm sick of the medication switches and the doctors and the fucking ignorance of the masses. i'm sick of myself and my inability to cope with my own illness. i miss being able to say what i think without worry or regret.

anyhow, that's me, how the fuck are all of you?

~Sin

If you like metal music... If you want to catch me on cam in Excito Diabolus - send me your yim id in a mail on here so i can add you. DO NOT POST IT in a comment on here. seriously. don't. If you like metal Click here. That's Excito Diabolus, the awesome lounge I'm in allllll the time, with kickass people that are actually worth talking to. IF I ADD YOU: do not send me stupid messages saying you want me. i will block you. this is STRICTLY for me to send out messages for YOUR benefit. This is a PG cam. Do NOT ask for nudity on it. DO NOT disrupt the lounge asking for nudity or making completely inappropriate requests of me. This is for people who just wanna see me enjoying some awesome people and some awesome music. IF YOU CANNOT UNDERSTAND THAT: CLOSE THIS BLOG AND MOVE ON. ~Sin.