Kinkstar Sin's blog: "Sin's Domain"

Here's the deal, the computer i'm on sucks balls. so i'll be on fb. i know i know, we all hate fb, get the fuck over it. if you want to talk to me, that's where i will be. if you want to get in touch with me there, send me a mail here with your email you use for fb, or the link to your fb page if you made one.

i know i haven't been here in months, yes i was hospitalized again during that time. no, probably not the last time. blah blah,, if you have questions, you now know how to find me.

i will be checking my mail every day or two for the next week or so, and then you're shit out of luck for the next few months.

~Sin

p.s. sending me your email will not necessarily get me to add you, if i don't talk to you enough to know who the fuck you are, or something of that  nature, then i'm probably not going to disclose my real life information to you.

i still don't know if i have enough strength to make it hour to hour, day to day. i know alot of these blogs lately are coming out as poor me, pity me, whatever. that's not my intention. i've just been using it as a place to get out what's been in my head, as i really don't have another place to let things out at the moment. i don't have a cell phone anymore. i don't have a computer that i can use regularly. at least not as regularly as i was using it before i moved back to jersey.

my medications are keeping me calm for the most part. but i'm not sure calm is always the best thing for me. when i have too much time to myself instead of freaking out in anxiety, now i find myself slipping into a spiral of worse depression. i have a hard time reaching out to the friends i've had for years. and those same friends don't have a consistent way to get a hold of me either to try to help me through it.

i know one person can't be the reason to move forward unless that one person is me, but i'm still fighting with the idea that i do not believe that i'm worth pushing forward for. when left alone with myself, i still do not like what i see, in fact most times i despise it because i'm not able to function on the level that i was able to even five years ago. i used to be able to work. to drive. to go out on my own.

i need to stop comparing myself to the person i was then or it's just going to continue to frustrate me.

talking to him still calms me. i'm reworking my perspective still, but i think now i can say that it's not the hope of a future with him that drives me forward, but that going forward will be the only way there will ever be hope for a future with him. i'm sure that still places too much on him as far as hope goes... but at least it's working in the right direction, i believe.

~sin

Ghost and i were not ready for the step we took by living together in illinois. We both had things that we need to work out in our own psyches, mine more than his, i'm sure. I have a lot of work to do ahead of me. i have med switches and therapy, and i'm hoping i maintain the strength to continue through all of it.

Ghost and i have decided to try things from another standpoint. a relationship that hopefully will go back to resembling what it started as. the relationship that drew us together in the first place. talking together, and being there for one another without it being at the expense of ourselves. i do love him and i do know why i had to leave where i was living, but there is that part of me that is hoping that i will be able to be with him at some point in the future in the capacity that we originally intended. where we are both working towards a future together that makes sense to both of us, where we are not sacrificing ourselves in order to do so.

i know alot of people believe i'm not ready to be in a relationship at all, and at times, i am one of them. i know he's not entirely sure that he is ready to be in one either. but i'm always one for chasing my dreams, and right now, he's a dream that i do not want to let die.

thoughts?

~sin

I'm back in new jersey now. my faith and hope in life have been extinguished. the reason i am still alive has more to do with cowardice than desire to continue living.

i failed at life once again. i failed at love. i failed at meeting the potential that everyone else but me can see.

for those that had my number, i no longer have a cell phone. for those that had my yahoo, i do not know when i will be able to access a computer from now on, as i mentioned in the last blog.

i am in excruciating pain now, from the inside. my heart hurts. my soul hurts. i don't regret a single moment in his arms. not a single kiss. i only regret that i could not be the person he needed me to be in order for this to have been a relationship. 

he said over and over that he did not think he made me happy, because how could someone that made me so happy make me so angry... the truth of it is, he's the only one that made me happy in a long time. the anger is something i could never control. i wish i could have, perhaps then i would not have made him so miserable.

someone asked me how my day was yesterday at the atlanta airport. i told him that my boyfriend broke up with me days before and i was moving back home with family. trying to be a sweet person he said "well if he's sending you back home with your family he's an asshole and didnt' deserve you" ... i had to explain that he's not an asshole at all. that i'm incapable of relationships. that he could not be a caretaker of me when he had to take time to figure out how best to take care of himself. i had to explain that my pain and my suffering, although not my fault necessarily, is my own doing, and that none of it was to lie at ghost's feet.

i'm sure you all arent' used to these types of blogs from me. i'm sorry they're not full of their usual sarcastic charm, but that part of me is broken right now. most parts of me are broken right now. the parts of me that are not dead, that is.

people keep telling me i will make it through this. either i will or i will not. this will pass, with or without me.

~sin

I'm choosing one hell over another right now. the hell of movin back in with my family, restrictions ranging from eating dinner with them every single night to not dating for at least a year. i will become a prisoner to my own mind. that hell is nothing compared to the pain i feel sitting next to someone i love who can't even hold me when i cry because i have caused him too much pain and cost him too much of himself. i hurt the one person i tried my damnedest not to.

i said i never wanted to be the one that caused him misery and i failed in that aspect. he says its for the best, and he probably is right. i don't care about right or wrong at the moment. all i feel is dead inside. my heart is shattered, like humpty dumpty on the fucking wall, it will never be put back together again.

he scared me like someone else last year, with all the right words and the ease of which i let myself trust him. i knew it was going to happen this way. i ruin everything. i can't take care of myself on a day to day basis. i need someone to tell me to shower, to tell me to eat, sometimes this goes on for weeks at a time. sometimes i can do it on my own. but he can't be a caretaker. he's here to start working on himself, and i broke that for him because he cared too much and he tried too hard to take care of me.

the next person to start scaring me with the ease i start to trust them will be pushed away full force. statements of "i'm not them" will be ignored, because it has nothing to do with them. it's my own inability to be in a relationship. it's my own inability to take care of myself. it's my own inability to reach for any potential that i may have because i have severe psychological issues that have recently been diagnosed and never been addressed.

i may or may not have access to a computer when i get home, so my time on here may be limited. i will probably borrow one from time to time to check messages and leave updated blogs for those in my friends list that actually give a fuck what goes on in my life.

right now, i'm in more pain than i can describe in words. i feel like my soul is dead. my heart is dead. everything inside me that was worth anything has been torn out and split into tiny pieces.

time heals all wounds. i call bullshit. time simply leaves scars that never heal completely, that stay there forever and each person that cuts you after has them to contend with. maybe i'll be able to cover some of the scars up someday. but right now they are everywhere. and my emotional side is bleeding out and i can't stop any of the wounds from excreting pain.

i'm babbling now because i don't really know how to get everything out that i'm feeling enough to be able to live with myself. i'm taking things literally thirty seconds at a time because that whole one day at a time is too much, and five minutes at a time is too much, and even one minute at a time is unbearable. my mother asked me if i could stay here til the seventh at first, i told her i didn't know how to make it through the next hour. hence why i'm leaving tomorrow.

i still love him, more than i can express. i hate that i am so broken that nothing will come of my love. i hate that he doesn't love me the way i love him. i hate that i thought that he did. i hate that i was so blind. i wish i could change it all and have him see the me that i was when i could do things like go to school on my own, and still drive, and talk to friends regularly. but he got me right when i started back down, right around a suicide attempt, through medication switches that made me worse instead of better.

knowing the reasons that it cannot work does not lessen the pain.

i tried. i tried to keep myself under control. i tried to keep myself together enough. i'm never enough.

ghost broke up with me tonight.

i'm stuck out in the middle of nowhere in illinois with an exboyfriend that i'm completely in love with and no idea how to get home if i can even go home.

i'll never be enough for anyone.

never sane enough. never self sufficient enough.

i'm dead already. my body just doesn't know it yet.

day two of the new medication. the pain in my chest from the constant anxiety has been replaced by the usual hole. the one that feels like there is no one there that will be here, no one to understand. that no matter what i do, i will be alone. i try to fill it by asking someone to be close to me, in the same room at the least. to not worry about whether or not i'm sleeping, and still it's not enough.

my fears of being abandoned are replaced with the fear that it's already happened and my mind is just refusing to accept it. no matter what anyone does, i seem to make them feel like it isn't enough because there are things that i know will help me that will just not be done.

sometimes i need someone to hold my hand. you can't do that through the internet no matter how badly you may want to. sometimes i need a hug. sometimes i need to be held. and "/hugs" although appreciated for the sentiment can't fill the void, can't help escape the fear.

what do you do when you need someone and they can't be there for you? what do you do when you try so hard to handle it on your own and you want the fear and pain to go away so badly, you wish you could disappear. you want to run from it all but you know it will follow you anywhere you go. you want to be held, and feel safe again, and it's become too much to ask.

i know, it's not fair to anyone involved. i didn't ask for this either.

~sin

i went to the psychiatrist yesterday, and as predicted he wouldn't prescribe xanax because of my multiple overdoses. he did however prescribe clorazepate which is another benzo, and best i can tell, although it is startinng to calm my anxiety, i'm thinking with how long its half life is, i may end up just sleeping most of it away. this does nothing for my depression which causes me to isolate and avoid most of the day as it is. i've been hiding from the world again, not only by avoiding talking to people online, but even in the house, the times i'm sleeping are completely opposite to anyone else, i hide in the bedroom. i'm so afraid that things won't work that i'm sabotaging them into not working.

my dad's supposed to send out the shit i need to start working again, he still hasn't done that, he hasn't sent the money out to pay for my doctor's bills and he tore his achilles tendon so i have no idea when that will happen. as an aside: don't feel bad for him, he's in his fifties treating his body like he's 20, stupidity should be and in this case is, painful.

i'm trying to get through this without causing too much stress on people but i've come to realize the more i try to keep to myself, the worse i am when i explode, the more i try to let it out, the more people think i'm throwing a fucking pity party or i'm using them rather. maybe that's not entirely true. maybe that's just what i feel like i'm doing by talking to people about it. i hate burdening others with my problems, with my own hell. i have long since come to accept that most of these issues will be things i struggle with for my entire life. i give my friends, my boyfriends, my family as much insight as possible as soon as possible when it comes to all of this, but it always comes out the same.

i wear people out. they get tired of it. they don't understand that some things are still beyond my control. they take my outbursts personally. they take my lack of communication personally. they take my requests for help as weakness now which has taken me literally years to realize are acts of courage. it's easy to say "i can't do this" it's alot harder to say "please help me". and now that i'm learning how to say it, i'm still unable to handle the feelings of rejection that i feel when someone is unable to help regardless of reasoning. sometimes i feel like i'm unlearning how to ask. my requests are getting more vague again, quieter.

if we all didn't need some insanity in my life, i'd discourage anyone from getting close to me, but from what i'm told, it's what makes life interesting.

i need to learn to stop hating myself, my actions, and accept them for what they are. they're parts of a condition that can and will be fixed, whether through medication, therapy, or whatever other means i can come across. i am not giving up right now. no matter how much i fear that light in the tunnel being a train, i'm still trying to walk the fuck towards it, because i can't let myself go back into the darkness.

so if you do or don't hear from me in the next few days, it will be a testament to how the medication changes are affecting me. if you are one of the people i tend to talk to through these things, please feel free to message me, but do not be offended if i do not respond... i'm trying to pull through this, and i do need help, but sometimes i'm not capable of accepting it.

love you all,

~sin

i know i haven't been responding much these last few days. some of you know by now i have depression issues, which i'm pretty fucking open about. i've been having trouble eating, trouble sleeping, trouble doing anything that i'm not told repeatedly to do. i haven't really been talking to anyone, so if your messages go unanswered, do not take it personally.

i had my psychologist appointment monday, i have my psychiatrist appointment today. hopefully i'll end up with something medication-wise that will make my days a little more bearable.

for those of you that know what i'm going through, don't worry, i'll be fine, i always am, it just takes time. for those of you that don't know what i'm going through, as much as i will be fine, please do not tell me to think happy thoughts and bullshit like that or i will block you. it does not help. thanks.

~sin

my friend had this in her blog and it says to pm the answers, but fuck it... maybe someone actually wants to know this shit.

Copy & Paste this into a Private Message to me w/your answers! :)

1.Your Full Name: Sin (yeah you're not gettin that one)
2. Age:28
3. Single or Taken:taken
4. Favorite Movie:that's not a fair question, ask anyone in my house "i love this show"
5. Favorite Song:acid bath - scream of the butterfly
6. Favorite Band:i don't has one
7. Kinky or Clean:take a wild guess
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:five tattoos, three earrings and a belly ring

HERE COMES THE FUN ... ... ... (responses to Mistress of forbiden - who lives in the same house as me)

1. Do we know each other outside of Fubar?
we do now
2. What song reminds you of me?
addicted to love
3. Would you have my back in a fight?
depends... do i have weapons?
4. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
yep
5. What is your favorite memory of us?
the trip from pennsylvania to here
6. Have we ever been drunk/stoned together?
yep
7.Would you do me?
would you do me?... you won't even bite my nipples!
8. Tell me one odd/intresting fact about you:
i'm odd enough, everything seems normal.
9. Would you take care of me when I'm sick?
prolly not... i don't wanna catch it :o
10. Do you want to tell me something that you couldn't before?
nah
11. Have you heard any rumors of me lately?
not that you haven't told me yourself
12. Do you/have you talk(ed) crap about me?
yep, and you deserved it back then too!
13. Do you think I'm a good person?
yeah, but you're very unmotivated
14. Would you drive across country with me?
already did half of it
15. Do you think I'm attractive?
when you want to be
16. Are there ever times when you want to call me but don't?
yeah, i sit in the livingroom and think "i wish you had a phone because it's just too hard to yell into the next room for you" /endsarcasm
17. If you could change anything about me, would you? what would it be?
yep. i would give you your smile back so you would use it more.
18. What is the best advice you can give me?
take what you want from life, don't wait for it.
19.Would you come over for no reason just to hang out?
um, is this a trick question?
20. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?

too late.