Moon's blog: "Shattered Voices."

So I saw my surgeon and he wants me to try physical therapy and pain management(narcotics & steroid injections) for at least 8 weeks before doing surgery again. Yay! Yet if Percocets don't cover pain and I can barely move, I am going to get a second opinion or go to the Emergency Room in hopes of them doing it like last time. I would like to heal without surgery but I went a year with that promise last time and it was depressing agony. I am afraid of it being the case again. I also don't want to end up in the ER every few days for stronger narcotics and be labeled an addict again. *sighs* Please Lord let this therapy and management work this time around! Or just let me have surgery done and get it over with. Love you all. ~Sandra

.. Well as of today disc L4 and L5 have burst and I have seroma fluid in my back again. So I will be gone for hopefully only a week to get surgery and heal. Pray I do not have the same 3 month off and on hospital stay I had last time. Also pray I do not get any infections and surgery goes well. Thank you friends and God Bless. ~Sandra

Too many problems, too many troubles, always fighting, always worried. Sighing, screaming, trying but crying, frustration, confusion, depression, upsetting. Reality, fantasy, neither is ever real. Darkness, light fade to something surreal. No escaping, always falling into the fading void in the distance. Loving but hating, questioning but understanding. Intimacy, desires never surfacing from him. Living but dying slowly decaying within.

Rage. The urge to punch something until my hand bleeds. Then watch the ruddy red color run down the wall and just laugh insane. Eyes so open and wild, uncaring and scared like an animal caught. Scratch anyone who comes near me and bite them hard. Run away and just scream to "Leave me be, it isn't you!" There is something inside me, clawing to get out. A darkness I have kept hidden for years. Why now? Why must she even be part of me? I stare in a mirror and there is that woman again, staring back with such hatred. Darkness in her eyes, obsidian shards, hair falling in front of her face, bloody nail marks trailing down her cheeks. Lips split and chapped, eyes bruised. Blood dripping off her like raindrops onto the ground. She goes to scream but nothing comes out. She has no voice. Yet she silently speaks the words 'Release Me'. Then all she does is grin, grin with insanity and anger. I have taken in too many tears, healed and helped too long those who cried. Now she is here, wanting to destroy anything she touches. Wishing to rip to shreds all of my haunted memories with her long pointed nails. Abuse. Destruction. Hate. Lonely. Envy. Jealousy. Obsession. Frustration. Empty. Death. Anger. Sadness. Ignorance. Silence. All the emotions and scars one tries to hide from the world, comes out into one creature. Me.....

Laanat yay Shehzada kahan hayn tum kab mayra dil rona baraae tum....

Thanks to the governments over the world for such needless deaths. Men, women, children. Miltary, civilian, insurgents. War is inevitable...yet Peace...apparently that is merely an illusion. Speak up people. You CAN stop this. This is our world. American or foriegn countries... OUR world. If not for us our governments would be nothing. Also don't harbor people who hate. Please. All that will happen is so many you love will ultimately die. Death is part of life but make it a peaceful life or a death worthy of rememberance. Not just a stray bullet or an unwanted war. Pull up those weeds of hatred. Stomp out those fires of evil in your heart and look to God. Pray for peace, live for peace. Speak for nothing but peace. These people that have all died from each and every side of the world had families, wanted families...now...so many mourn them. Even those who never knew them. God forgive those who commit evil deeds and God forgive those who have no choice but to follow these orders. Save them all and forgive them so they may find paradise. Love, TF

Alright so last night I ended up finding a labret stud which my husband never used. So got all medical again and switched the ring out for the stud. The ball is a little big for my liking but I think all in all, it looks better than the ring. For now going to let this bugger in for a 2-3 week period so I can heal and make sure I don't get any infection. I was so tired last night..even today I feel worn out...but I forgot to leave this disclaimer... DO NOT PIERCE YOURSELF WITHOUT PROFESSIONAL! In my case I'm sadly an ex-cutter, if you know what that means, so I found an outlet by piercing. I learned some of the proper techniques over the years being I skipped school everyday and hung out at a tattoo/piercing parlor. One thing is sterile...clean, clean, clean. I was lucky because I had old medical supply left. Which included, alcohol swabs, skin protectant swab, steril gloves, sterile paper to lay equipment on and professional piercing needle. One thing I lacked was clamps and a cork, which I kind of wish I had...the clamps at least. Then maybe I would have gotten the hole exactly where I planned. Yet like I said.. can't really tell...only I know. After all that was done I disposed of everything properly and even put the needle into a syringe box that I have. So if you do decide to do this... have the proper medical equipment. I had stuff in case of emergency as well such as gauze pads, medical mask with gauze lining(to cover nose if something went wrong, no reason to bleed everywhere), tapes, etc. Anyway.. here it is today post-pierce day, with it switched out for the labret stud instead of the ring. I like it much better. Can't wait to get a girly looking jewel.

So yeah I got bored, went through our piercing supply and my old medical supply that wasn't used. Got all sterile and POP! Pierced my right nostril. It is about maaaaaaaaaaybe 1/4cm off of where I wanted but considering I am just going to get a 14gauge nose ring or nose screw in June, no biggie, you can't tell a difference. All I had was a 14g captive bead ring. It looks okay but I still prefer the studs overall. Maybe something purple jeweled. Anyway... here is my nose.... after an hour since I pierced it... all I can say is.. OW.. now it hurts. Yes I think there is a little dried blood on my lip. Crap I never bled that much before when piercing myself. Sorry for the 'gore'. Man I look like crap tonight. Love, TF

Paysheeda mujhay mayra Shehzada. Saath aap ka aankhaiyn is sabab bharaa hua ka zindagi. Nahin chupana aap khud minjaanib duniya. Ijazat dena mujhay taraf saaf door gham saath mayra ansoo. Layna mein mayra aap ka ruh aor dil. Ijazat dena mujhay taraf muhabbat aap jesa aap haqdaar hona. Shehzada, khoaahish aik zindagi woh aap kamaana kay liyay hona is sabab meetha. Mayn muhabbat aap. Hamaysha kay-liay aap ka Chand.

I am in love. So much I could shout it from the rooftops. Yet my love is so far away that I doubt he would hear me. Aap ka chand hay andar muhabbat saath oss kaa Shehzada! Perhaps that is not right but it makes total sense to me. Khaab ka aklotaa aap ka dil saath mayra. I wonder if my love understands these words, Or if he merely knows what my heart says through my eyes. Mayn hun aap ka chand hamayshaa. Khuda hay shaad muhjay saath aap. Hamaysha kay-liay aap ka!