Moon's blog: "Shattered Voices."

Beneath these guarded clothes is who I am. A danger to my own heart and to my dearest friends. For behind these crystal eyes is something I wish to embrace. A God not of Christians yet of a different place. I arm myself with daggers and armors of the East. Yet to me they are just jewels and clothes I wear beneath. I guard myself with coldness of just my piercing eyes, for I am not accepted by those who gave me life. I am no longer of just one dilect. I have learned something older than you. A word that goes farther into our past than even Jesus himself. A word he spoke in Aramaic, from his own mouth came forth. "Allaha" he said which in English would mean "God". Just take away one letter and that is who I love. "Allah". So beneath the clothes I love or not is who I am, your daughter, your sister, your wife and friend! I believe in Islam and Allah with all my heart. I only wished my loved ones would not be so torn apart. For in truth we are all related by blood from the beginning of time. We all came from the same 'Him' with so many different names. So why not let me praise Him in the name I choose to claim? Let me drop these daggers and coldness from my eyes. Allow me to be happy, to love, to be, to worship and not say I'm sorry for what has called to me. Accept me as a Muslim woman, Accept me as I would you. Do not force me to hide my faith, Or make me choose between my love for Allah, and my love for you. ~Moon~

Here is my Lifetime type story... Heroes are God, my son and my husband. Without God gifting me with my child, I would have been a statistic to cocaine addiction and promiscuity, but I chose LIFE for both of US the day I had two pink lines!!! Smiling Sadly though after about 3 years, I gave my son to my parents(who I love so much). In those years I learned I had Bipolar mix and Borderline Personality Disorder. My son’s real father was not involved and merely paid support. My ex who I was with when pregnant was the decent family man until about 5 months after I gave birth. He became very abusive towards me and my son was a year old one time we had a huge fight and saw it. It was then I made the choice that, although my ex always did his abuse in private and NEVER towards my son..who was to say he wouldn’t turn on my baby one day, or be raised to treat a woman in such a way. So, I stayed afraid to leave and gave m child to my parents. They knew nothing of the abuse so I merely let them speculate that I was too lazy and too ’in love’ with my ex. Oddly enough my best male friend was always there from the day one. I met him in high school and became his on/off again sweetheart. Until we both moved on in life other than online friends. He always supported me, said my decision for my son was best and never let people judge you because you as a mother gave up the one thing that I loved unconditionally and loved me back. Five years passed and I left the abuser...my family allowed me to move home but thought my life was as significant as a roach. I was ill mentally and recovering from being abused 5 years...plus expected to be a toddler’s mother overnight. My parents merely put me down, pushed me pass my limits, let friends and family know all my downfalls, allowing them a skewed judgmental view of me as a person, as a mother. I snapped one day and left. My friend of so many years came to get me as I packed a few things and left. With my son standing there crying. I thought my heart was being torn out and thought how I let my child down again. I wanted to die! I guess God intervened...after about 7 months of patching up my bits and pieces called a life with my family, getting therapy and my health in general taken care of, I tried once more to meet men. I went out ONE night and made some dumb decisions and almost got raped. I came home, crawled into bed and cried. His hands wrapped around me, he kissed my forehead and in his ever gentle tone asked, what happened out at the bar. I opened up to him like always, since he was my best friend, he was literally there for me all this time. Never did I do anything without him. After a few days of contemplating his mother wanted me to move. That though she loved me, it was time...my life was pretty much tolerable. Later that night I asked my friend out and if he would like to make an adventerous step in HIS life...move into an apartment with me and away from mommy. We knew we could annoy each other, knew our pet-peeves. We found the perfect place for us, strangely next to a church. We got a great price, dear and amazingly caring landlords who send you a little gift for the winter Holidays. Open the windows in spring, listen to the birds, the band practicing the bagpipes in the parking lot outside...We have our own little paradise here in the rear apartment. Walk out front and it is a different world. Well one night after 6 months living here, almost a 2 year total and a 10 year friendship, he asked the question in my living room. He even had the ring I pointed at one day...God thank you! I smiled,, smiled some more and cried a little. This man was my supporter, best friend, believed in me, my son’s best friend(who I saw more often with him around), my lover and after a beautiful outdoor mountaintop wedding with only close family and friends...my husband.. Even now because of him I have become a better person. He says it is me who does that. I know it is but without him, I don’t think I would be who I am now. We share equally, he has given me so much in life, the best I can give him is the same...a hug, someone to listen to, someone who will defend him until the end, someone who also needed help being a step dad since decided not to have children together after a horrible miscarriage brought me down very hard, plus my own son still lives with my parents(better lifestyle, school, advantages). It would not be fair to him in anyway. Instead we rescued kittens in need. Found homes or kept some. As for what my husband is thankful for... it is and always will be...God! That he was given a purpose in life and sent here to be my other half in life. ~Moon~

First Day of Winter Winter Solstice The 2nd day of Eid al-adha 2007. 4 More days until Christmas! 8 more days until my son turns 7 years old on 12/29 10 more days until New Year's Eve 11 for Celebration of officially being the New Year & Day of 2008! 365 more days until December 21st comes again... and I turn 27 in 2008.... December 21st 2007, was.... my 26th birthday & other than my husband kissing me/wishing me a happy birthday. My son calling on speaker phone, my brother Brian...along with Sunny, a person I barely know, leaving a myspace comment and my parents giving a small 'party' on the 19th. I received no phone calls, no ecards, no comments, no presents, no invitations to go out by anyone other than those mentioned above who, besides Sunny, are obligated by blood or marriage to give me well wishes on my birthday. Not even a call/comment from my RL best friends whom I always call/comment for all things including simple hellos. Needless to say, this was utterly the worst, loneliest, depressing and lowliest birthday in my life and I will always remember it. Dressed for a spontaneous occasion, phone line open, sitting next to me so I didn't miss a call, computer on myspace, fubar and my AIM and Yahoo both open, wide awake and readily happy to give thanks to anyone who wished me well on my birthday until I fell asleep from my tears of unhappiness. And to my astonishment I awoke to no phone calls(or missed according to Jake), no comments, no messages... To which I end this rant(not so much directed at those whom barely know me, but those that do) Happy fucking Birthday to me! ~Moon~

I'm in such a pissy mood that I am about to snap! I had to go to the fucking hospital again for breakthrough pain because of my stupid back. Obviously I keep hearing the same damn thing... surgery, surgery, surgery! Well hey idiots, I said I would do it so why am I still here in fucking pain?! I mean I did everything else I was supposed to do. Yet no, I have to go up to Hershey to have 'my surgeon' look at me and tell me the same crap I've been hearing... no surgery. Why can't they do it down here if they feel it is so needed and know that Dr. Vora won't do it up at Hershey? Freaking medical bullshit is why. I mean yeah I get the idea that Dr. Vora knows my case better than anyone considering he did my first surgery but come on. Stop throwing me around and pumping me so full of narcotics that I am almost immune to them. It is like I am a chicken with its head cut off right now. Running in circles not knowing what to do because, guess what.. my brain is fried and I'm dying. Hypothetically of course. Yet if this crap continues who knows what long term effects it will have on my physical and emotional self. Blah, I'm tired and hurt and all I want right now is a 'fix' of IV narcotics. Jeez I'm an addict, thanks doctors...I sound like a freaking heroin junkie now. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!

I'm sorry
that I bought you roses
to tell you that i like you

I'm sorry
That I was raised with respect
not to sleep with you when you were drunk

I'm sorry
That my body's not ripped enough
to "satisfy" your wants

I'm sorry
that I open your car door,
and pulled out your chair like I was raised

I'm sorry
That I'm not cute enough
to be "your guy"

I'm sorry
That I am actually nice;
not a jerk

I'm sorry
I don't have a huge bank account
to buy you expensive things

I'm sorry
I like to spend quality nights at home
cuddling with you, instead of at a club

I'm sorry
I would rather make love to you then just screw you
like some random guy.

I'm sorry
That I am always the one you need to talk to,
but never good enough to date

I'm sorry
That I always held your hair back when you threw up,and didn't get mad at you for puking in my car,
but when we went out you went home with another guy

I'm sorry
That I am there to pick you up at 4am when your new man hit you and dropped you off in the middle of nowhere,
but not good enough to listen to me when I need a friend

I'm sorry
If I start not being there because it hurts being used as a door mat, only to be thrown to the side when the new jerk comes around

I'm sorry
If I don't answer my phone anymore when you call, to listen to you cry for hours, instead of getting a couple hours of sleep before work

I'm sorry
that you can't realize.. I've been the one all along.

I'm sorry
If you read this and know somebody like this
but don't care

But most of all

I'm sorry
For not being sorry anymore

I'm sorry
That you can't accept me for who I am

I'm sorry
I can never do anything right, and nothing that I do is good
enough to make it in your world.

I'm sorry
I caught your boyfriend with another girl and told you about it, I thought that was what friends were for...

I'm sorry
That I told you I loved you and actually meant it.

I'm sorry
That I talked to you for nine hours on Thanksgiving when your boyfriend was threatening you instead of spending time with my family.

I'm Sorry
That I cared

I'm sorry
that I listen to you at night talking about how you wish you could have done something different.

Ladies always complain and gripe to their friends that there is never any good guys out there, and they always end up with assholes who mistreat them. Well ladies next time you're complaining, maybe look up to see who you're complaining to, maybe that special someone is right there hanging on your every word as usual, screaming in his head "Why won't you give me a chance?"
Because the person you are usually searching for is right by you.

If you're a guy and you agree with this letter, repost as "I'm sorry "

If You're one of the FEW girls with enough BALLS to repost, and you would never make your guy feel this way, repost as Subject "Girls dont realize these things

I got this from a friend. While I was reading this, I literally had chills run down my spine at the fact that not only did I play in a ball pit as a kid but I allowed my loved ones too as well. Plus the HIV/AIDS spread. I mean that is so sick. We are our own destruction in the end.


OMG this shit's sick
McDonalds, Chuck E Cheese, Discovery Zone... All places with
ball pits in the children's play area. One of my sons lost his watch,
and was very upset. We dug and dug in those balls, trying to find his
watch.
Instead, we found vomit, food, feces, and other stuff I do not want to discuss.

I went to the manager and raised hell. Come to find out, the ball pit is only cleaned out once a month. I have doubts that it is even done that often.. My kids will never play in another ball pit.

Some of you might not be parents, but you may have nieces, nephews, grandchildren, or friends with children.

This will pertain to you too. As I read the following, my heart sank. I urge each and every one of you to pass this on to as many people as you can. I cannot stress how important this is!

Hi. My name is Lauren Archer, my son Kevin and I lived in Midland , TN.

On October 2nd, 1999 I took my only son to McDonald's for his 3rd birthday.

After he finished lunch, I allowed him to play in the ball pit. When he started whining later on, I asked him what was wrong, he pointed to the back of his pull-up and simply said 'Mommy, it hurts.' I couldn't find anything wrong with him at that time. I bathed him when we got home, and it was at that point when I found a welt on his left buttock.

Upon investigating, it seemed as if there was something like a splinter under the welt. I made an appointment to see the doctor the next day, but soon he started vomiting and shaking, then his eyes rolled back into his head. From there, we went to the emergency room. He died later that night. It turned out that the welt on his buttock was the tip of a hypodermic needle that had broken off inside.



The autopsy revealed that Kevin had died from a heroine overdose. The next
week, the police removed the balls from the ball pit. There was rotten food,
several hypodermic needles: some full, some used; knives, half-eaten candy, diapers, feces, and the stench of urine.

(You can find the article on Kevin Archer in the October 10,1999 issue of
the Midland Chronicle.)

Don't think it's just McDonald's either. A little boy had been playing
in a ball pit @ a Burger King & started complaining of his legs hurting.

He later died too. He was found to have snake bites all over
his legs & buttocks. When they cleaned the ball pit they found that
there was a copperhead's nest in the ball pit. He had suffered numerous bites from a very poisonous snake.






Repost this if it scares the crap out of you!! Repost this if
you care about kids!! Please forward this to all loving mothers,
fathers and anyone who loves and cares for children!! What has this world
come to?? If a child is not safe in a child's play area then where??

AND FYI:

In Florida and other places on the East Coast a group of people are putting HIV/AIDS infected and filled needles underneath gas pump handles, so when someone reaches to pick it up and put gas in their car, they get stabbed with it. 16 people have been a victim of this crime so far and 10 tested HIV positive.




Instead of posting that stupid crap about how your love life will suck for years to come of you don't re-post, post this. It's important to inform people, even if you don't drive, a family member might, and what if they were next?

Since my marriage we decided against having children of our own and now view the 3 kitties we have aquired over time as our babies(along with my son of course), and we celebrate their births as any human would, since again, to us they are our children until the day we die. Many of you may not understand it but if you do, send comments that I can show to our baby boy. Although it may seem redundant to many, I am just so happy our kitty Moggy, our little boy, has had his first birthday! Yay!! When we got him he was so flea ridden and skinny, he needed to be nursed back to health, just like our two older girls. He is now such a strong, friendly but silly kitty and I thank God we got to him in time. Happy 1st Birthday Moggy! Mommy and Daddy love you so much! Isn't he just adorable?

----------------- Bulletin Message ----------------- From: Brian@Chaotikk/ Next Level Crew Date: Jul 31, 2007 11:23 AM ----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------
From: STREET BIKE BORTNER
Date: 31 Jul 2007, 11:19 AM



Wake up and pay attention!

Turn Up Your Speakers & Listen!

Why do people commit suicide?



Why do people cut themselves?



Why do girls become anorexic and bulimic?



Why do kids bring guns to school?



Why do kids get depressed...so they start using meds, and abusing them?



Why do girls feel the need to act like sluts to impress guys?



Why cant people show their sexuality freely, without worrying about being judged?



In the Bill Of Rights, it says we have FREEDOM OF SPEECH! So why are we so afraid to speak up for ourselves?

I KNOW WHY!






"Whores"



"Geeks"



"Goths"



"Emos"



AND THAT’S NOT EVEN HALF OF THEM!

Society in general





IS THIS AMERICAN?



IS THIS THE NATION FIGHT AND WE LIVE IN WARS TO SUPPORT?



I AM SICK OF IT!
Stereotypes, and everything else.
I want to live in a good place, without suicide, rape, murder, and JUDGMENT!



IF THIS HAD ANY AFFECT ON YOU REPOST IT!


No, a ghost will not rape your dog.
You wont have relationship problems
No you won’t die in 7 days.
BUT you will have the guilt on your shoulders that you didn’t try to get the message across.
I want to stop the madness.
If I only reached out to 1 or 2 people that’s fine.
At least MY conscience is clear...HOW ABOUT YOURS?

--You have to click 'Reply To Poster', and then copy and paste in a different bulletin or you won’t get the whole bulletin…

So I am an aunt again(not by blood though). My girl Kimmy had her beautiful daughter this week on Tuesday July 24th. Kandyce Helene was 8lbs 5.5 ounces and 19inches long(give or take a few cm). I am so proud of both my girl Kimmy and just the fact she has this new addition to her family! I have yet to see Kandyce because of my own health issues at the moment but the photo I have from the hospital website shows me just how adorable she is and already I am in love. Go Kimmy for being so brave and Welcome Kandyce Helene!!! Love you all!