GONE's blog: "Running Away"

Relationships Current mood: worried The title says it all. Relationships mean a mass of things. Drama, Tears, Self Doubt, Anger, Sadness, Suspense, Etc. It has everything all contained in one word. So I am lost. I moved to Wyoming to better my life and I feel as though I am only making it ten times worse. I want to go home. back to California. I understand my place there. Here, I'm one face and there are two sides of a coin. Half the people here call me a fat ugly bitch. Those are the people who have never met me, seen me in real life, or even talked to me on the phone. The other half say I'm the hottest girl out here. Those people are the ones who know me or have taken the time out to take a new Cali girl under their wings. Honestly, I dealt with that in Cali but I am so far away from anyone who knows me that it hard to take it. I want friends. I'm dating this guy who is pretty chill but I find I am better with him when we hang out as friends. He doesn't make me feel attractive, he doesn't always make me feel special, and sometimes I wonder if he really listens to me. Then I'm seeng another guy. He's amazing but he's older. He has a kid whom I adore. Our situation was that I knew his kid before meeting him. We clicked automatically. I feel good when I am with him but because of guy number one, we have had to keep feelings for each other discreet. I'm at a loss. I don't know which one is better for me but I do know who has my emotions. Guy two told me tonight after he had some drinks that he has been attached to me. He told me his job didn't mean shit to him if it meant defending me. Because of the alcohol however, words got confused on his parts and meanings on mine. He said I could move in with him, that since he loves how I am with his son, that he trusts me more than most of his family and friends, that since I adore his kid, I could be there and nothing could go wrong. I was so exstatic that through my tears of all the things that have happened today, I made the mistake of telling him I wasn't going to leave my kitten behind. He told me that he was done. Done with females. I'm crushed. His son loves me. He told me he wished I was his stepmom today. This guy told me he gets defensive when he starts feeling these emotions especially because he got attached so fast and didn't tell me like we agreed on. I understand that he didn't say anything and that he wanted to wait to see if it wasn't a momentary thing. I fully support his decision to put his kid first. I put his kid first. I just hope that tomorrow, things work out in such a way that his kid wont be crushed. However right now I feel like this whole thing is my fault. I keep letting great guys slip through my fingers. I can't be in a decent relationship. Guy number one has helped me when I needed to start anew. Sadly one month into this life change, I have seen how my life seems to want to pan out. The drama seems to follow me. Everywhere I go. It's always a different yet similar situation too. There's always a new twist that prevents me from getting it right. I like guy number one but I feel neglected and I think we would be better of friends. He tells me he misses me and he cant sleep without me. He got me a kitten, but he's never there. So what should I do? So now I sit here blogging and talking to Kevin. I think maybe it was a bad idea to call him. I knew I wasn't over him and I knew that after falling in love with him I wasn't going to stop. I still love him. He is telling me to do what is going to make me happy. I can't even bring myself to tell him that he will always be that solution. Relationships Current mood: worried The title says it all. Relationships mean a mass of things. Drama, Tears, Self Doubt, Anger, Sadness, Suspense, Etc. It has everything all contained in one word. So I am lost. I moved to Wyoming to better my life and I feel as though I am only making it ten times worse. I want to go home. back to California. I understand my place there. Here, I'm one face and there are two sides of a coin. Half the people here call me a fat ugly bitch. Those are the people who have never met me, seen me in real life, or even talked to me on the phone. The other half say I'm the hottest girl out here. Those people are the ones who know me or have taken the time out to take a new Cali girl under their wings. Honestly, I dealt with that in Cali but I am so far away from anyone who knows me that it hard to take it. I want friends. I'm dating this guy who is pretty chill but I find I am better with him when we hang out as friends. He doesn't make me feel attractive, he doesn't always make me feel special, and sometimes I wonder if he really listens to me. Then I'm seeng another guy. He's amazing but he's older. He has a kid whom I adore. Our situation was that I knew his kid before meeting him. We clicked automatically. I feel good when I am with him but because of guy number one, we have had to keep feelings for each other discreet. I'm at a loss. I don't know which one is better for me but I do know who has my emotions. Guy two told me tonight after he had some drinks that he has been attached to me. He told me his job didn't mean shit to him if it meant defending me. Because of the alcohol however, words got confused on his parts and meanings on mine. He said I could move in with him, that since he loves how I am with his son, that he trusts me more than most of his family and friends, that since I adore his kid, I could be there and nothing could go wrong. I was so exstatic that through my tears of all the things that have happened today, I made the mistake of telling him I wasn't going to leave my kitten behind. He told me that he was done. Done with females. I'm crushed. His son loves me. He told me he wished I was his stepmom today. This guy told me he gets defensive when he starts feeling these emotions especially because he got attached so fast and didn't tell me like we agreed on. I understand that he didn't say anything and that he wanted to wait to see if it wasn't a momentary thing. I fully support his decision to put his kid first. I put his kid first. I just hope that tomorrow, things work out in such a way that his kid wont be crushed. However right now I feel like this whole thing is my fault. I keep letting great guys slip through my fingers. I can't be in a decent relationship. Guy number one has helped me when I needed to start anew. Sadly one month into this life change, I have seen how my life seems to want to pan out. The drama seems to follow me. Everywhere I go. It's always a different yet similar situation too. There's always a new twist that prevents me from getting it right. I like guy number one but I feel neglected and I think we would be better of friends. He tells me he misses me and he cant sleep without me. He got me a kitten, but he's never there. So what should I do? So now I sit here blogging and talking to Kevin. I think maybe it was a bad idea to call him. I knew I wasn't over him and I knew that after falling in love with him I wasn't going to stop. I still love him. He is telling me to do what is going to make me happy. I can't even bring myself to tell him that he will always be that solution. I miss my friends, I miss my family, I miss the hookah bar, I miss normality. I miss never being bored, I miss driving by my old high school, I miss knowing everyone, I miss my music, I miss my right to think. I miss having coversations with friends who aren't racist. I miss seeing ethnicity everywhere, I miss living life in a place people envy. I'm going to talk to guy number two tomorrow. Kevin told me I need to. He told me to see if he still feels the same way sober. He told me I was going to be scared, worried, afraid, and all that jazz and that it was ok. He told me it was going to be really really hard but that he had faith that I could do this. And you know what? After everything we have gone through and all the miles we are apart, he is still my biggest support. I think most of all I miss him. You know maybe I'm just this emotional and lost because I'm 20 and it's normal. Maybe I feel this way because I have finally accepted the fact that he has moved on from me and that now is my opportunity to do the same. Guy number one told me I talked about him alot and that he didn't think I was ready for a relationship and you know what? I told him the same thing when he begged me not to leave the first time. Then was so different from now. But I know Kevin will be there to listen to my tears, maybe cause a few with hard truths, yet he will always support me and cheer me on. I don't know how hard it was for him to have this conversation. I know it was hard on me. His faith in me makes me want to push to make the right decision. I just wish I knew what that was. I guess I'll find out tomorrow right? One way or the other, I know I'm going to be in tears. Someone is going to get hurt. That someone is me. I caused this pain and I have to deal with it. I just don't know how. What if I choose the wrong one? What if I allow the right decision to walk away again leaving me with my heart handed out to my downfall? What if it's guy number two that I'm meant to be with? Is the age gap going to be a problem and can he possibly be the opening I have been talking about? And now ladies and gentlemen, since crying sucks, I am going to give myself a piece of advice and be done wth this. I'm still young, just 20, I'm still kinda resilient.

There is a place called Whitten Wyoming which is about 15 miles outside of Reliance Wyoming on Sweetwater 66. It currently consists of a few old decrepid foundations and a rundown house. My best friend shayla and I went out there because it has been told that satanists go out there and that a few creepy things have happened like on of the roads disappearing and stuff. Going out there was nothing like the stories, It was worse. We had four people in our car and a gun and it was around 8pm. We were told to take the 4th road on the right and go over it then turn around when we got over it and look. You have to count the roads on the way and supposedly the fourth one disappears. We drove on the road for like two miles before we decided to turn around and go back to the house that we had been to over there. One the way back down this road, my heart suddenly started to race and I couldn't breath it was like someone had their hands wrapped around my neck. I tried to find my pulse to concentrate on it and bring it down but I couldn't find it. Shayla and Travis couldn't find it either. When we got back on the regular road the pressure on my neck left and I found my pulse. We were dumb enough to continue back to the house because we wanted to take pictures. When we got to the house we all got out and me and my friend mark walked up to the house to take the pictures while Shayla and Travis stayed by the truck in case someone else was really out there. It was unnaturally dark so we had to be right by the house to take the pictures. We took a few and there was nothing so we wanted to prove one more of the tales wrong. On the way back to the truck my friend Mark fell down into the basement but luckily only hurt his foot. The four of us got back in the truck, locked the doors, and shut all of the lights off. I mean all of the lights. We took out the camera and turned off the flash and covered the viewing screen with our hands so we didnt get any reflections and just started taking pictures in the direction of the house. We sat there for 5 minutes before this feeling of extreme hatred overcame me and I became uneasy. The feeling grew and I went into a panic. The thing was I didn't feel scared or panicked but I was all of a sudden in tears screaming at Travis to leave. We left. Now on the way to this place there was no lights on the side of the road or in this place. While we were driving back towards town I looked in the rearview mirror and there was a light. I checked behind me and asked Shayla and everyone agreed I wasn't just hallucinating. We looked at the pictures later and there was a red light coming towards us from the house when it was dark. It got closer and then disappeared. There was 10 or so more pictures after they disappeared in which we couldn't see anything. The last creepy thing that happened was on our drive there, there was four roads on the right in which we took the fourth before going to the house after getting lost. On our way back towards town, there was only three. The road we had driven on had vanished. The stories say that the road disappears after you drive over it, that there are satanists who practice out there, that you can see spirits in the windows, that there is a hermit who lives in the basement or rather a hermit ghost down there, and that there are a ton of murders and rapes there. We didn't experience most of that in the hour or so we were actually able to be there. We did experience the road vanishing, no cell phone service, the spirits that were captured on film and an impossible amount of rabbits crossing the road. This place is definitely not a place I will go again at night.

So last night my parents placed an ultimatum on me that was so desperately hard to refuse and it forced me to make a decision...a BIG decision about where my life is headed and how I can prevent that in my current situation. I know I haven't blogged alot about my problems and such so lets just bring you up to date and suffice to say I'm at one of the lowest points of my life and I'm not even sure if I'm willing to give up the stuff that is the cause. Anyways, my parents told me that if I enlist they will bring my car payments up to date immediately and continue to make the payments while I'm gone. They are torn about wether I should go active or not my mom rooting for reserves. It makes it harder to make my decision when they haven't either. It's a real eye opener when you have gotten so careless about yourself and when you feel you have no more self worth left and your parents can even see it. It makes you stop and wonder are things really that bad? I thought I was in control. That's when you see that your never really in control and that substances and people can influence everything about you. Peer pressure had made you lose everything, dignity, respect, confidence, virginity, everything. I take one look at myself and I think how can anyone look at me and think I'm even plain looking, how can people put up with all the emotions and mood swings since I was raped. More importantly, how can anyone still want to be with me after finding out my medical conditions? It's alot to stress about when someone your attached to becomes attached and you have to break the news that you can't carry full term knowing all along that faith in that the perfect man will come rescue me and help me have a kid is only just a dream. So after diagnosing my problems and weighing out the pro's and con's and having a lengthy conversation with my boyfriend, I'm going to take their offer knowing that it will help stabilize me so that I match him. It's hard because I don't know what to expect and I don't know how to prepare but I'm going to do my best and hope things pull through. Please pray for me to whichever God or Goddess you chose. It'll be much needed and much appreciated my friends. Sincerely your's, Sica

So I work for this great company. The bnefits are great the people are fun to work with but then there is this odd feeling I get when I pull into my parking space at work. My stomache drops, my head aches, my heart pounds, and the silent dread of working for 8 hours on the phone with people who believe they are better than me, trying to improve my conversion, and dealing with my prick DC who I swear hates my guts. But this is what we call life. We take the insignificant jobs that we don't like so that we can pay for our education, our car, or insurance, the luxury of a phone and food. So why is it that one place has to be so strict? Don't they understand that that is why they have such a high turn over rate? I guess they don't. Not ony that but they have me on graveyard. I don't get much of a social life anymore and my alarm has decided to stop waking me up. Joel. He's another aspect of my life. I don't know where we are headed but there is so much of him that annoys the hell out of me but then there is a ton of things that make me want to give him a chance. I'll tell you one thing though, this whole him not having a car thing? It's going to get old real fast and he had better get his truck working this week as well as a job because I refuse to support him. He lives with me, I pay for everything. I'm sick of that. Maybe if he was able to support himself I wouldn't get so irritated.