So last night my parents placed an ultimatum on me that was so desperately hard to refuse and it forced me to make a decision...a BIG decision about where my life is headed and how I can prevent that in my current situation.
I know I haven't blogged alot about my problems and such so lets just bring you up to date and suffice to say I'm at one of the lowest points of my life and I'm not even sure if I'm willing to give up the stuff that is the cause.
Anyways, my parents told me that if I enlist they will bring my car payments up to date immediately and continue to make the payments while I'm gone. They are torn about wether I should go active or not my mom rooting for reserves. It makes it harder to make my decision when they haven't either.
It's a real eye opener when you have gotten so careless about yourself and when you feel you have no more self worth left and your parents can even see it. It makes you stop and wonder are things really that bad? I thought I was in control. That's when you see that your never really in control and that substances and people can influence everything about you. Peer pressure had made you lose everything, dignity, respect, confidence, virginity, everything.
I take one look at myself and I think how can anyone look at me and think I'm even plain looking, how can people put up with all the emotions and mood swings since I was raped. More importantly, how can anyone still want to be with me after finding out my medical conditions? It's alot to stress about when someone your attached to becomes attached and you have to break the news that you can't carry full term knowing all along that faith in that the perfect man will come rescue me and help me have a kid is only just a dream.
So after diagnosing my problems and weighing out the pro's and con's and having a lengthy conversation with my boyfriend, I'm going to take their offer knowing that it will help stabilize me so that I match him. It's hard because I don't know what to expect and I don't know how to prepare but I'm going to do my best and hope things pull through.
Please pray for me to whichever God or Goddess you chose. It'll be much needed and much appreciated my friends.
Sincerely your's,
Sica
